Fire and games

Now I get it. 

You should stay away from me. 

I just hurt people 

I don't let anyone close enough. I push them away and hide 

Make them hate me

Don't let them in 

Run away its safer for you.  

You don't want near my toxic flame 

Fly fly fly away to the safety of your tree 

My poison gas won't hurt you up there. 

It's better for me to be alone then poison your beautiful souls 

I'm damaged goods 

A praying mantis

Waiting to suck your soul. 

Run away little bird.  Run away. 

No good can come of this. 

Icebergs

Starting over

Changing your perspective

Terrifying. 

I've discovered I'm more stubborn that I thought. I find I'm angry that I'm back here. On the outside looking in.

I keep thinking that some part of life should just finally be easy. 

I find I always struggle. Fight. Push

Mostly, because I am impatient. 

I am in control 

And it happens my way. 

I think that certain issues should take this long to resolve. And when that time period is up, problem should be solved.

Apparently I cannot control time 

Apparently I cannot tell God when it is time for the next phase.

Apparently I have to be human and deal with things at a human speed. I find I forget to slow down and remember, 

I don't get why I cannot apply fact and reason to a situation, glean the results, and then move on. That should be a reasonable outcome. Apparently it is not. 

This is my current struggle.

I feel it's time to move on. I feel I have endured enough. I have waited long enough. I have done all I can. Therefore, I should be allowed to move on. Apparently, it's not how it works.  

Sometimes, I feel if I could just get a glimpse of what is on the other side of all this crap I would be ok with it. I could keep going. And I keep seeing nothing. But then I remembered, 3.5 years ago I had a day, where I was at total peace. I was not dragging my life behind me kicking and screaming. It was perfect. Everything finally made sense. It was a glimpse. And it lasted a day. I had another one of those days a few months ago.  And another a few weeks ago. It's a picture. Life could be so, worth living. Enjoyable.

I want that life so much.  

I don't get why I cannot just wake up and it just be there. 

Apparently I need to trust and let go control. 

This needs more study.  

Bling please!

Ever since I was 16, I have wanted something.
To get my nose pierced.
I don't know why.
I just did.

I had a Barbie bracelet that I would experiment with, it fit and I thought it looked, stunning.
So I kept the experimental fake.  And tried it on many many times and wore it out frequently.

Yeah, I know.  Lame.

I figured once I was old enough, or brave enough I would get it done.
When I left home at 18, and went to Bible school. I thought I would do it then.

And here in lies the meat of the blog.

So, in Proverbs 31 it talks about the ideal women, or wife.  As a young women looking for her mate, while also in Bible school where young men are also looking for the same thing, you put your best foot forward, or try to.
Girls primp, do what they do, make themselves presentable. Guys do their thing.  We all know Bible college is....Bridal College.  And that's simply because you go, looking for the next phase of life, to get better and find yourself and hopefully someone.  Same as any other college frankly. Its a place where many young people are together, expanding horizons , ideals and lives.  Growing up.

So, in trying to get an edge, a little something extra that makes a short, shy homeschooled kid from Saskatchewan stand out amongst experienced travelers of the emotional workings of the thing that is male.  What does one do in Bible school?   Why.....become the ideal wife.  Strive for perfection. Be of sound mind. Be faithful, prayerful. Pure. Lovely. Become the Proverbs 31 women. 
And fail and fail and fail. Becoming a virtuous women is not a game, a route you take to find the perfect man. Virtue is something that you don't just follow these 5 easy steps to attain perfection and therefore locking down the catch of a life time that will make all your dreams come true.
Total load of crap.

And, I've had to learn this the hard way.  Sure I had green and blue hair in Bible school. Sure I may have kind of dated a guy or two. (the actual qualifiable total of dudes I dated remains a mystery, if we were never officially dating, does it still count? If we went on a date and then argued about whether or not it was a relationship or not for the next 4 weeks, does that  count?  We shall for argument sake set the total at 3.5) Sure, I really really, tried to be a virtous women. But did I get it?
In my crazy quest for the perfect mate I put my life and myself on hold. I was WAITING. 
I was terrified that if I was who I truly was inside that I would scare "him" away. No mere mortal could handle me. Thoughts of nose piercings were cast aside, its on your face. A good Christian guy is going to see that and just see rebellion and pass you over.  Be who you are, well that is just not good enough so copy other girls and do what they do and then maybe you will show up on some guys radar. Copy, follow, replicate and for heavens sake....don't be you.

you can imagine how well this worked.......and I began to hate the game, girls who got their dream, and men all the same. Utter crap.  Painful. Humiliation reigns abundant.  Spinning in circles.

Eventually, I began to see the rut for what it was. I was 25. I did every day the exact same. I lived at my job. I tried nothing new. I had no joy except job performance. I was too tired to do anything fun. I was too scared to push beyond the borders. I was there, being faithful, and waiting. Being "virtuous."

And it was killing me.  My heart would race. My body was shutting down, in constant pain. I was miserable.

What does virtue mean?
 The term "virtuous" is from a noun meaning strength, efficiency, ability.  Here it refers to strength of character, that is, moral strength and firmness. 
I have discovered over the last few years.  I have strength. I have learned efficiency. and I have the ability to do pretty much anything I want.  My moral character and willingness to stick to it.....well, I think I figured that one out too.

"her worth is far more valuable than rubies"
I never truly saw my worth or value.  How rare I truly was. I get it now. I am irreplaceable. I am incredible. I am one of a kind. I get it. Dare to be different.  Dare to go against the flow of the world, and to be transformed by the renewing of your mind (Rom. 12:2). 

And as I now go over the characteristics of the ideal woman, I see that over the years of  trial and error, pain, torture, self doubt, growth, learning, teaching, trusting, and just WORK. That I am more and more becoming this woman.  Not to catch a guy. But just because I am worth the effort of myself to have an awesome life. Not to make anyone else's life great, but also my own.

When I was 25, I saw the rut, and I started fixing it. I needed to get uncomfortable. I bought a car that terrified me. Stick shift. Drove it to Hamilton my first day with it.  So not smart, and so good for my perfect safe world. I started to see where I was hiding and where I was giving up on myself and life. I addressed fears and failures, mistakes, shortcomings, doubts and this time started fixing them for me. Not some guy.  I took chances. Took risks.  Failed. Succeeded. Met a guy. Took a chance. Took jobs I was scared of. Found out I could do more than I imagined. Found out I was stronger that even I believed. Discovered that I could start over. My faith took beatings, hit high points. So many things over the last 7 years. And through it all, my Heavenly Father has been there guiding me and showing me that I am loved, wanted, needed and wanted, not for what I can do, but just because I am me.

So, I chose a couple months ago. To make a personal statement to myself. Never again be that person. Never hide. Be who you are. Be strong. Be loving. Be brave. Be you.
I got my nose pierced. 
I chickened out once. Was on the highway home when I realized I really wanted this done and almost needed to have it done before I got home. Google searched. Called. Booked. Chickened out.
My brilliant adventure co-pilot didn't let me wimp out the second time. 
It hurt.
But I love it. It looks like it belonged there all along. 
A constant reminder to me.
Look how far you have come.
No one can take it away. No one can argue the fact. Its right there.
Bam
Bling on my face
Sparkling for the world to see.
Just like me.

And if I can do it.....well.......with a little bit of elbow grease and some proverbs 31, I'm sure just about anyone can.

Poetic Cliffhanger

I'm standing on the edge of the cliff.
Overlooking the valley of fears and doubts.
Across the chiasm, I see it.

                       Dreams  
                                                      Possibilities
                                      Hopes
                                                                            Desires
                           Things I dare not speak of
                                                                                        The impossible

I stand, gazing at what separates me. A fog sets in.  It surrounds me.  Envelops me.

Crushing my soul.

Screaming, "Look at what's between you and your future!"

                                   It's impossible
                                           Give up
                            It's never going to happen

I fall to my knee in shame and fear, trembling, unbelieving that I could ever cross.  

A light in the distances shines through.  

It burns the fog.  Gently melting the fears.  Doubts.

Suddenly. I am surrounded by light, the dismal gloom has lifted.  
And as I gaze across the chasm.
I realize.
It's but a step.

                                 My dreams are walking towards me. 
                                 Goals look at me and wave.
                                 Dreams fist pump the air. Yes! We are going to happen!
                                 Love looks at me and smiles....and takes a step forward.

I take it in. And take a step back.  Something is wrong, this can't be real!

A gentle hand pushes me forward.

                    This is what you have been waiting for
                                  This is what you prepared for
                                             This is what you prayed for
                                                           This is the good life
                                                                                          Take it

And I take a step. And another.  And another. 
And then.
I'm on the other side. 
Surrounded by light and love.  
It's really happening.......

All that glitters

Not all of the feeling better is getting over the "great collapse of what was formerly my life".
A lot of it has to do with inner healing, counseling, great friends, great God, and oreo cookies.

One fabulous thing that has occurred to me recently.....is.......that.....gulp....I'm BEAUTIFUL!

I think I blogged about this before.  I just never really thought I looked......good.  It never occurred to me.  I had more than enough personality to make up for it!  MWAAHAHHAAHHAHHAH

But seriously.  I was cute maybe.  But Beautiful?  Gorgeous?  NOOOOO

I'm getting comfortable with the fact that well....I might just look pretty good too. 

Hence all the shameless selfi pics recently. 

I'm cute.  I'm pretty.  I'm beautiful.  I'm 30 something (I can't remember what exactly)

and I just figured it out. 

Bam!

Open Heart Surgery

Today would have been the 6 year anniversary.
It passed with neigh a twinge.

I actually forgot.  Good feeling.

I feel so free, liberated.
I am excited about life and all the unknowns. 
I am happy.
I am LOVING my life.
I am HAPPY.

I am FREE.  My soul is free. My heart is free. 

And it keeps getting better. 

Next project....safe vulnerability.   Gulp.

We got this!

YEAH!!!!

Love and Trust

Kids just don't know how smart they are.

I have been thinking a LOT lately about trust.  and Love.  How they are tied together and work together and you just cannot have one without the other.

Tonight I had a chat with one of the kids:

kid: can I go spend my points?
me: what time is it?
kid: snack time
me: so its not game room time right?
kid: no, but can't I just go get it myself?
me: no you sure can't
kid: yes I can, you just don't trust me
me: (to myself, no kidding, but how does he know that?) um, well you have a point there buddy, either way, you can't and you will have to wait till after snack time.
kid: can I help?
me: (WHAT!!!) sure, go wash your hands

The fact that he knew I did not trust him was profound to me. 
And, yes, he could for sure go ahead and help himself.   I am quite certain he would have spent exactly the amount of points he had.

I think this is how God must think sometimes.  Yes I can do that in your life.  But you just don't trust me.  I can do anything.  Will you trust ME?

I am at a new place in my life. New roads. Roads I never thought would open.  Its scary.  Things in life you Never thought were possible suddenly opening up and you find your self losing your breath. Its this really happening? It feels like the moment, when your flying, when the wheels leave the tarmac, before actual flight takes over and you wonder for a second....are we really going to fly? Or better yet, when your on a ride at an amusement park and just as it takes off....that two second moment of terror before you drop or fly.....when time seems to stand still. 

Do you trust ME?

(insert slow-mo hair freeze framed just before the big drop on drop zone before I thought I was going to die)

Romans 8:31
³¹ What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? ³² He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? ³³ Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; ³⁴ who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was ^[l]raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. ³⁵ Who will separate us from the love of ^[m]Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ³⁶ Just as it is written,

“For Your sake we are being put to death all day long;
We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

 

I will not die...

I like the ...  I just hate giving up.  and the "..." Just keeps in going, in my head.
All you grammar nuts.....calm thyself.  It's just in my head ok............  extra long ............. just for fun.

Ok.

So last public blog I made I was still married.  STILL thinking in the VERY back of my head....he's going to come back for me.  Really. I will look up and he will be here.
Nope.
He let me go.
Sigh.
It's for the best. 
He is doing better.
I am figuring out how to be single again.  Bleck.
I just really dislike this figuring out how to be single, becoming one so you can be a blah blah balh.....that's what couples counseling is for.   JUST KIDDING.
I feel cheated. I have been here before. I got the medal.
Now, I get to do it all over again. I am not a fan.  I still hate the idea of dating.
I still hate having to get to know someone enough to trust them with my life.
I still hate the idea of having to join someone else's life.  They should just join mine.

What I would rather is just a nice home town boy who gets my church, my friends, and just fits into my life. I don't have to change or stress or become something. You don't have to explain yourself.  And he just knows who I am and gets why I am and we share the same beliefs and you just want to scream because, you know EXACTLY what you want, EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT and its just not possible.  But if he was possible. And he actually loved me.  Well.  Game over.
I know what I just described seems perfectly normal but for some reason.....it escapes me.
I thought I had it.... My heart has been there before.  Its not sure it wants to take the chance again. It's getting tired and sad. It needs more vitamins.

I find myself amused by the whole thing. That people think I could be destroyed by this all. That they say I am more confident. And so on. Which is nice. But, they don't know what has been inside of me. I hid it all. I tried to fit a mold to become what I thought would work better, someone was just going to try to take me out or down or beat me. If I appeared weak....maybe they will leave me alone. 
Some times, being in a couple is so much easier, you just blame all your faults on your partner, and never have to take responsibility for you. I jest, but really. It's true.

So. I am divorced.  shudder

NEVER thought I would be here.  I remember loving so much that I was sure I would die if I lost him. And then my logic kicks in and reminds me of the not knowing, the waiting, the questions.  Then my heart reminds me that I can't be cold and logical all the time.  Then my brain tells them both to shut up and focus on the road cause you don't have anyone in the vehicle to remind you to pay attention.

So, I'm hanging onto hope and faith and God........and see where the road leads next.

Back on the....meat market.....gross....

So, I'm single. 
Yeaaaahhhh.......(note sarcasm and eye rolling followed by fist pump)

I wanted to see what was available in my age range.....

So I logged onto a Christian date site.....

I beefed up my profile today.......

I find it quite....awesome........

Hopefully the old men get the hint......

Looking for someone a tad bit older than me.  |I said a TAD!!  If you are 43 and older....STOP READING MY PROFILE!!! YOU ARE TEN YEARS OLDER!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  MARRIAGE MINDED?  If we had kids, (and since I am in my early 30's I would probably want kids, you would be 65 before they graduated high school.
THINK ABOUT THAT!!!!  Is that the life you want? NO!!!!!!! 

52 year old crowd...REALLY?  Did you look at my age? Are ya kidding me?

 Sigh.....


 the rest of my profile ends in......yeah I'm bored so I'm not finishing the rest.

I'm sure to snag a winner....lol

Danger

I constantly amaze myself.  

To borrow the words of "Schmidt". Totally "crushed" it at work this week. And at life.  I should throw a "rebranding" party.  Themed, danger.  That's how awesome I did this week.  Or how I feel I did, rather.  

Crushed it. 

What's love got to do with it?

I'm not saying love is the key to an all powerful awesome life and if I figure that out I'm set and all stars will align and life will be perfect.  But, for me, I don't need much from someone.  I'm not as high maintenance as I like to pretend or wish I could be. I try to dream up ways to be vulnerable or have "needs so I can find someone to fulfill them". It's not me. I like being independent. I like being strong.  I like that I'm tough. I like that I can take on mountains.  That's just me. And if some guy finds that too intimidating, too bad. Find a different girl. 

I like that I have a girly side.  I'm quirky. I'm weird. I have a rabbit trail reasoning pattern that could take days to unravel.  But it's solid and just different. And I like that. It's part of the delight that is me. And yes, it requires some time.  That's what I need. Someone who takes the time to know me. That's in all honestly my need.  I know.  Life changing. Selling myself short? It's my need. Deal with it. I don't like pretending.  I've spent enough years trying to appear like someone I have been told would get a guy or make guys like me more, or what a man would not find intimidating, or generally, put up with.  I'm done. I'm awesome. I'm incredible. You won't find another like me. And I may think a little too much of myself, but I know what is inside and what potential I have and what I'm capable of.  Recognize son. (Yeah, that's special)  

I'm so glad no one reads my blog. 

If someone does. Please note I once needed someone else to order my food in a restaurant as I was too shy to speak up over the noise to order my food, I would change my personality to fit the situation and person I was with, I contemplated death regularly, and generally set out to change every thing about me because I hated everything about me. I've come a long way.  (I also really like how I write, I find myself to be amusing and charming) (wink) 

So love.  

Lois Lane

I am falling

I am falling

Crashing and burning, falling and spinning.

Here I am waiting, waiting for you to save me.

I am like the mighty hero, flying though the sky smashing into anything that may dare get into my path. Mighty and fierce. Ready to do battle. Strong and ready to withstand the strongest blow.

But then, I am not. I am battle weary. I am torn and weak, weary of the fight. Ready to give up.  But the end is in site. I am waiting for the final scene.

Waiting for the rescue.

So here I float, searching for your hand, will it reach through the fog?

Suspended in limbo all I see is chaos and ruin.

Blades of light pierce the fog, soft glowing fingers of life and light, shattering the cold.

Bringing calm to the chaos, light to the dark, piercing the fog.

And there in the midst of the hope, your hand pierces through, fingers outstretched

waiting for my hand to reach out and be rescued.

So here I wait.

In limbo

For the superman rescue  

bent not broken

So I have just returned from a great weekend away. I had a solid ten hours alone, driving and thinking.  The last few weeks have been rough.  Not really solid on why.   Just down right wet dog smelly bad.  And I think part of it has to do with this blog.  The one I don't want to write and the one I have been putting off.  This one hurts I think more than all the other things that have happened this year.  This one cuts deep.

 I just need to do it.  And move on.
And the only reason I am posting this is that I know many woman go through this.  And I don't think suffering alone is an answer or good thing.

So when someone asks you who you are, what do you say?   What comes to mind?   Me?  I'm a mom.  I dont say that, cause well they ask how many kids and then your like um none.  But its who I am.

I think out of all the things that have ripped away at the core of me the last few years is this kid thing. We tried to two years to have a kid.  If you have been there you know the earth shattering pain you endure monthly when its yet another no.  It keeps hacking at your heart, ripping away your dreams inch by inch.  I could not bring myself to complete the process to start dr visits.  I don't think I could have really been ok had there been bad news.  You don't want to talk about it, its a really personal thing. You don't want to worry your partner.  So you....you just cope.
And now, I know this very thing I want so badly, my dream is gone.  For now.  Maybe ever.  Who knows.  I don't I wish I did.  I wish that there was not a part of me that knows I won't have a kid. I'll be a mom to some kid some day, but have a kid.....I don't know.  And for now, I need to accept that this is over.  Shed my tears and put this on the shelf for now. Accept it.  I can't dwell on it.  It makes me angry. Crazy. Bitter. And I feel myself getting stuck at this stage.  And I don't like it.
 
So, i've had my tears.
Had some days of saddness....ok lots of them. and probably more
Had some great friends talk me through some rough patches.
Ate a lot of ice cream
Visited the baby that should have arrived close to my baby.

And I'm ok.

I'm going to be a mom one day.  It just may not be what I thought....or when I wanted.

Dear future child, hello, I've been waiting for you.....

Set a fire

So I'm traveling via bus. Alone.  I hate alone. Not that I can't be alone.  But I hate doing things alone. I recall a movie where the premise was a life unwitnessed.  Its my fear I will live that life sometimes. I have done so much of my life alone.  Waiting to share. Wishing I could have someone witness my life. And I'm back here again.  I just want someone to remember I'm alive.  It's the annoying part of being human. And a woman apparently. And admitting your human.   Part of me just wants to be part machine.  Nothing bothers me I don't care about human  experiences and mostly, don't get hurt. But I can't.   I feel like Bones, i need things to be rational and reasonable. But that is not how it works. And Bones eventually got her Booth.  And she had Angela.  And I have lots of her.  Cause Booth, well........I dont think i would survive Booth.
Then, there is the part of me that is sitting still and has time to think.  The freaky nomad hippy artist.  She's winning tonight so hence the blog.   So.
Couple weeks ago was rough.  Rough enough that the escape plan was initiated. As in dissapear.
The city girl diva wants polished perfection.   The hippy Farm girl wants a cabin in the woods next to a lake living off the earth shoeless. I know.  Me. Shoeless.
So the point.
Ok so I blogged about being a diva.  And I've been a bit of one as of late.  nd thank you to all who have endured that crazy person.   Tonight's inspiration brought to you by Adel and "one and only"
It's not easy giving up your heart.  She sings this line " let me be your one and only " and "give me a chance I promise I'm worth it"
I used to feel " please just give me a chance. I'm weird but worth it."
Girls.  No body is perfect.  Don't be a doormat.   Don't think he is your last chance.  Cause he will be your end.  You gave up and settled for someone you will always feel did you a favour This works for guys as well.   And possibly more sad.
"I dare you". Ok this line I get.   I dare you.  Prove it.  Don't play games.  If you mean it.   Mean it.
So this is where my diva phase has brought me.
 I'm worth it.  Ill prove it over time. Show me your worth it. My heart is worth it.

And if the other person can't see that......  They are not worth it, will never get you, and you need to move on!

It's a blonde roots issue

So I have an issue with blondes.
Not necessarily the hair color. I have been known to go blonde a time or two. It's more the blonde attitude.  What's that? Ok.  I'll explain.
My theory is that guys are attracted to confidence. Which in some women is thinly veiled well, birch  (you know what I ment). And guys cannot tell the difference.

Examples? Ok.
So you are talking to a guy you may or may not like.  It does not matter.  And in walks the blonde.  She's not always blonde.  She has many different looks.  But she has one goal.    Get the attention of every male and have them eating out of her hand.   She doesn't want any of them.  She's just playing the game.

Yes boys.
Some girls do this.

What brings a girl to do this? Bad breakup, low self esteem, daddy issues or just general not a nice person.  If your this girl.  Stop it.  Your playing with fire.

Boys.
She's just playing.  
And your going to get burnt.

And that.  Is my issue with blondes.  

Incidentally, statistically choosing blonde hair color is a sign you are looking for attention.

Down with love

I wish I could say I'm done with love.
I wish I could just let it go and not care.
I wish I could say I don't think about it.
Its a non issue.
But thats not me.
Not that I am obsessed with it.
But I think about it.
I'm good at long term, bad at short term.  I don't do temporary well. I prefer to get the short game done and out of the way and move on to the long game. I'm good at that.

My last blog contained some memories of past love.
Don't worry old boyfriends wives, I'm not coming after your man.
There were moments that impacted me greatly and they are precious memories to me. Not all of them happy, many sad, but they shaped who I am today. That is a chapter closed.

Theres something to be said for that agony. Its delicious.

Your heart aches
You yearn
You talk for hours
You smile
You don't sleep
You agonize
You are torn up
You laugh
You cry
You are alive
You dream
You live poetry everyday

Its young love, and ever so often, it slowly ebbs to deep lasting commitment. Old love.  Love that lingers. Love that is there when all the fireworks have faded. Love that makes you want to be better. Love that carries you through to the end. Love that knows. It just knows.  That is the kind of love I would be down with.

it looks like its that time again....

So two years ago I wrote a highlight of my life list.

I would like to share what two years older me feels are highlights.....


ok these are not in order

1 Still gotta say that water fight that ended with me sliding across the floor of the apartment. And Franziska's face when the glass shattered.
2 That night I went to a movie with a buddy of mine, it was horrible, it stands out in my head because it was such an awkward night. I got home and was like, weird.  It still makes me laugh.
3 I like surprise parties. My 20th was fun. And overwhelming. I just broke up with a great guy. He was there. It was weird. We still don't speak.
4 Tammy and chocolate and milk and hiding from our roommates.  I had a lot of roommates. You would hide too!
5 Franziska and her journals and her way of never making me feel that I am too weird to be her friend. She thinks I am funny, sometimes. And no matter the distance, we pick right back up where we left off.
6 Ok, I concede. That night where I "danced" with the guy I was "dating."  Its been a day I wanted to forget. But it lives on. And now um 15ish years later.  Its funny. I say "danced" because I refused to get within arms length of him so I made him stand across the room.  I know. I was 17. I had my reasons.
7 I was saying good bye to this guy I was crazy about. And he asked me to stay. I should have stayed. I left. I should have left.  We will never know.  But it was a bitter sweet moment.  And the deeply buried poet in me loves the agony of that moment. Because the friend I left to go see ditched me for a guy. Oh the Irony.
8 Sarah almost falling into the river and Dad pulling her out.
9 Sarah hiding on the floor of the truck so no one would see her in the truck I was driving.
10 Sarah telling Paul a story about the shapes of clouds as we drove to the farm.
11 The Miclette Family and the things we have shared. And my missing shoes.
12 Finding out my personality type and understanding that there is a reason.
13 That night I had 7 cups of coffee and could not open the car door as I was too hyper
14 That night a friend called me out on stuff.  It was hard but a wake up call. And so glad he did.
15 The day I realized I was smart.  And that being smart was not just getting good grades in school.
16 The day I made it to Hamilton. The first day I got my stick shift car.  Sure the farm trucks were stick. But lets face it, my sister hid on the floor when I drove.
17 My first trip to the grocery store in Ontario alone.  You go to the store in Leader and then look at one in a city and then come talk to me.  You would be terrified too.
18 Camping.  Any time.  Except when it rained, and the back up plan failed. and coffee took two hours. That was bad.
19 That night at Port when Danielle's band played.  With candles.  yeah.
20 That night I realized I had to give up my kids. They were old enough and I needed to let them go. I cried. A lot.
21 Playing music. There are two times etched in my mind when the band I played with hit this amazing groove while jamming.  They were really really amazing jam sessions.  One was at least 16 years ago. It was that good.
22 knowing I can do ANY job. and most likely have.
23 being able to say no. and actually doing it.  Gives me a thrill.  I know. Its weird.
24 My dog. She had a great personality.
25 Driving across the country. Canada is beautiful. Just not at 5 AM
26 Braving winter, this morning I was thinking it wasn't so bad. I take it back.
27 Going on missions trips. Life changing.
28 Reviewing my friendships over this past year. Its been a year. And I have some pretty amazing friends. Who won't let me do this alone :)  You know who you are.
29 Kids.
30 Kids. That was an intentional repeat.
31 That year my friends let me pick the movie because it was my birthday.  They later regretted that decision.
32 I'm still here. I'm home. I am surrounded by people who love me. I'm happy. I have an iphone. I have a great summer lined up. I love my job. My family. My brother. Finding myself all over again. Love.

Thanks for being part of the journey.

When it all comes down to this.

So recently my life has taken a turn for, let's call it " did that just happen". 

It's a place. Look it up. 
It started 6 years ago. When this guy who chased me for 3 years finally scored a real date out of me. A year later we married. I noticed odd little things when we dated. He randomly would just get really impossible or silent and just, off.  It was winter. He hated his job. No biggie. That can give anyone the blues. I knew the guy for three years, i was not really worried. Then when we were engaged more stuff crept up. Weddings are stressful. Ask anyone. 
So about 6 months into the marriage. I knew. Something was wrong with my husband and best friend. We started the journey of dealing with mental illness. It's been a bumpy ride. One day to the next you never know who you are going to get or why. Why he was mad or was happy. What would set him off. What would calm him down. What made him blue or put him into a dark cloud. The bad days his eyes would go black. Some days you could just see the pain radiating through those eyes. And there is no cookie, cake or back rub that will fix it. Some days my old Ben would come back. Sometimes it would take weeks. My Ben would stick around for a bit. Never sure how long it would be so you soak up all the time you had. You never know when the black comes back. 
The meds helped. Over the years there was that 3-4 month sweet spot where there would be a couple weeks of my old Ben. And then he was gone. 
So. I worked. I worked a lot. Work I could control. Work I could understand. And work made money. 

Turns out in the end you spend all that time building and one last storm, can finish off 9 years in one final blast. 

5 months ago I realized this was no longer ok. Ben was not ok. I was not ok. We were not ok. I could work all the hours I could physically handle, shoulder every responsibility, require nothing of him save to just get through the day, and it still was not enough. It had to stop. 
When you are married just for the sake of staying together even though you know the marriage is killing your partner, what do you do? Do you offer yourself up on the proverbial chopping block? Keep fighting for something that died long ago? You are emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. There is no end in sight. What do you do? You have waited, begged, pleaded, stayed silent and waited some more. You have cried till the tears ran dry more times than you care to remember. But it does not change. I'm left confused, lost and exhausted.

 And suddenly. You know. 

That bad feeling you had is real. 

You lost...

Now what? 

 So, to be clear. Ben and I are no longer together. 

 Will not be getting back together. 

This did not happen because of Ben's mental health issues. I had other reasons for this, and yes, I do have a limit as to what I share online. This one is personal. 

What I am saying is Mental Illness did play a large part of our day to day lives. And I am including my side of this because in my search for help I have not seen many spouses post how they cope. I see a lot of spouses look for help when its too late.  When they are caught in the endless cycle. 

If you deal with a spouse who deals with depression, my heart goes out to you. Deal with it. It will not go away. Resentment will build, you will start to see your life slowly fade away.  It will happen so slowly you will not even see it coming. Meds and therapy. Do it.
Lots of therapy. 
Therapy for the caretaker spouse, depression leads to isolation. Which feels like rejection. You need to deal with that. Caretaker spouse, you need to keep your life, hobby and interests active. Broke people cannot help broke people. The depressed spouse needs therapy, meds help but the brain needs to be retrained on how to process social and life situations. Coping skills learnt. If kids involved, they need to understand that the depressed parent does love them. Address the issue, deal and move on.

 This is my new year creed. 

Address. Deal. Move on. 

Life is too short for any more wasted time. I would like to include a website I personally found helpful for myself. A lot of it is sad, its families dealing with depression. But if you are dealing with this, I recommend taking off the rose coloured glasses and address the situation. http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Article.aspx?a=153

I'm aware I'm cheesy, corny, and a little unbalanced. What is the alternative? I chose to see the amusing and weird side of life, just a little bit of spice. The alternative is too sad. Depressing. Pathetic. I'm not going to allow the crappy parts of my life to dictate where my future lies. Sure it's crappy. 

But sometimes it takes the crap to see how good the best is. 

My best is damn good, baby.