It’s been 5 weeks. So I’m a functioning zombie. 3 hours is not enough sleep. 4. That’s the magic number.
When I was 19 I didn’t really plan on a career. Which was obvious by my job choices. I was just waiting and filling in time till life started.
I assumed I would just get married and be a mom. That didn’t happen.
So I determined to fill in where I could. Babysitting my friends kids so they could sleep. Working. Volunteering. Getting in life so I would have time for babies later.
At 26 I got married the first time. We agreed to wait 3 years to have kids. At the three year mark we started trying. No baby. Two years later the marriage ended. The kid thing was one of the many reasons that marriage ended. I had just begun testing to see why I wasn’t getting pregnant. And the preliminary tests all came back no issues. So I got on with life.
Two years later I got remarrried.
Kendall already had a kid so we knew his stuff worked. We talked at length about having more kids. And he knew there may be issues on my part.
My friends all said I was lucky to not have had a kid with my first husband. However they had no idea I was terrified I would never have a kid.
I remember driving home after visiting friends and crying the whole way home. Wondering if I would ever have my own kid.
When your a step parent there is a world of difference to having your own kid. Even in how other people respond to your relationship with a step child. It’s like your a pseudo parent. Which in some ways you are.
Kendall would always say in my darkest moments that I would have a baby one day. I had lost hope.
We went to the drs again. I thought I was pregnant the first year of marriage. The dr felt I had lost the baby very early. So he referred us to a specialist. We began a 3 year journey.
The dr gave us a 3% chance at having a child naturally. I was a tad surprised. There were no issues. With assistance, our chances went up a couple percentages. So we dove in. So many appointments, blood draws, trips to the city, tears, disappointments and bottles of wine.
I don’t expound on my faith a lot. I don’t like people assuming things about me based on the very negative picture media places on people of faith. So I tend to keep quiet. Faith is after all a personal relationship.
Do I feel this baby is a miracle? Yes. You can do fertility treatments for years with no results.
Do i feel I wasn’t believing enough that I chose to have medical assistance. No.
Faith without works is dead faith. In my belief. You can pray for results all day long but if you don’t do anything about your situation, I don’t think you are truly ready for the results of your faith.
I can’t tell you how many times over the years people prayed over the kid situation.
I would have people call me in the middle of the night from over seas because they felt they needed to. More than once. Over the years those calls kept happening. Painfully stirring up hope. This child is an answer not only to my prayers but to so many across the globe. Literally.
Her name.
I had an aunt that also struggled with not having a baby.
Like me, she was all about kids. She was our Sunday school teacher, worked with kids and we spent many days and weekends with this aunt. I remember so many bible stories that came alive because of her. We would spend hours naming kittens. And we discussed her babies names at length.
When she finally did have a baby she chose Hannauh Esther as a girls name.
Hannauh because of the story of Hannauh as well as the meaning of the name (we spent a lot of time looking at biblical names, methuselah the kitten was our favourite)
Esther because of grandma and I recall Esther was one of our favourite stories.
She had a boy. So the name waited. Her boy was the last to be born in the family. Her son and my birthdays are on the same day 13 years apart. I am the first grand and he was the last.
It doesn’t mean a lot but it’s kind of neat.
It’s like waiting and holding your breath. And finally you can breathe.
After we announced a baby was coming so many awesome things started happening in my cousins lives too.
What does it all mean? I don’t know. But I do know some prayers take years and grandma has been praying for her grandchildren since the day they were born.
So that’s the story of how Hannauh came to be.
23 years of promise
18 years of waiting
5 years of trying
