My list

Thanksgiving was a few weeks ago.
So this does not count. But here is my thankful and unthankful list if you would.

Thankful for.....
stick shift cars
method dishwasher soap, that stuff is incredible
Pumpkin spice latte and drive through attendants that get being brain dead
venting to someone who knows how you feel and can interpret what you cannot say
drive through
my bosses
my jobs
the painful, agonizing Christmas production and the friendship it produces
Campfires
my bed
that my mom taught me to bake bread
perogies
Babysitting Owen, he comes with veggie tale movies, ok he's cute too
Nursery kids, particularly the ones who have no reaction when you say hi.
my kids, young and old
sour cream
glade plug ins
electronic mouse chaser awayers
google
auto spell check
white boards
watching my kids grow up and become functioning adults

it all started when

There is a song I know from a clown movie....

Its stuck with me.

Goes like this.

Why do I do the things I do and who do I do them for?

I remind my self of this when I am doing things I REALLY don't like doing.

I ask myself, why am I doing this?
If I really can't find a good reason.  I stop.  ok in my head i stop and slowly my body is learning to stop too

If the reason for doing something and the one I am doing it for outweighs the ick of the current task at hand....well I'm all over it like oil paint on acrylic nails.

Cause at the end of the day.....unto the Lord and not to men.

The screamer

You know when you have dreams where you become superwoman and totally fix a situation or save the world or are totally confrontational and tell someone who really ticked you off what you really think?

My dreams just become me shaking from the built up furry.   

But lately, in real life, the shaking is slowing and the words are coming.   Sadly in the form of "stop screaming and line up against the wall!"

One day it will be something more sophisticated and eloquent and aimed at adults

For many many years I was know as the yeller...the screamer..the one who shouts loudly

I was always around loud teenagers and had to yell to be heard.

I really disliked this part of what was becoming a part of me.

I think the coffee may have been to partly blame

But this weekend my yell was heard.

Apparently for the first time.

My friend was impressed. (apparently she thought I did not raise my voice)

so was I.

Yes Tammara....I can yell :)  oh boy can I yell.........

Why do I do it?

I was thinking about my youth this week....

It made me very angry.

Why?

Let's start at the beginning.
I forget that these kids are a new crop and have not heard me rant and rave for 5 years.
I sound like a broken record to my self.  But the new kids have not heard it.
So I am going to blog it. Get the frustration out.
Not that my kids read my stuff.  Nor listen to me.
Nor do I think they really care what I have to say at this point in their lives.
Yes....I am well aware you would rather tune me out, and do.
But one day you will care.
And this is why I bother.
I know I am annoying to you.
But I care about you.

Ever wonder why I spend Friday or Wed evenings with you?

Ever sat to think about WHY an adult would hang out with teenagers rather than do something...adultish?

I care. About you. Where your life is going. And how can I help you get there. and there would be a good place, like not jail for drug possession...
I spent many years of my early life feeling that no one cared if I existed and its on my heart to be there for kids. So you know that you matter.

Now I get partying, I get drinking. I GET that you think its fun to get totally wasted, high and plaster drunk pictures and comments all over facebook and so on and so on....
But MORON and I mean moron....what are you doing?
Do you think about how your actions are going to affect your life later?
Are you thinking in general or are you just going with what you THINK is the flow?
Are you too uncool to be different?

As someone who says they love God and want to go to youth to learn more about God and develop a better relationship and get more kids out to learn about God, DO YOU THINK in ANY way that what you are doing is helping that be achieved?
Does what you are doing help you or anyone else for that matter?

Why are you doing that?
I mean really, think about that. Why are you doing that?


Now, its insulting to me really to have someone say one thing to my face and then do the total opposite. It's a slap in the face really. I feel like you are saying to me.  Thanks for showin up and wasting your Friday night., cause I don't care and am going to give you lip service, say what I think you want to hear and then go and live my life my way. Imagine for a second how much of a slap in the face that is to God.  I mean He gave up more than His Friday nights for you.
And you appear to be throwing it all away.

Now here's the thing, you may be in your heart totally sincere and care about people and have a totally awesome relationship with God. That's between you and Him.
But what I see is that you say one thing and do anther and let NOTHING of what you have been taught your whole life affect you in any way.

Actions speak louder than words. What are your actions saying?

Lets be real.

maddening chaos

Ever feel like you just have nothing left?
Literally nothing.
Energy, brain function, emotion  nothing left.
Too tired to care and to tired of not feeling that its cared about that I am too tired to care.
Its like a rodent in a cage running in a wheel.
I am the wheel and the rodent all at the same time.
And tomorrow....my responsibilities will still be there in sheer mountainous stature.
Never quite doing good enough.
Never quite getting everything right.
Not just on the dot..
Will I last?
Or crawl into a proverbial hole?
Could I actually do that?
Could I, I actually put up enough of a protest to the insanity that is my life to stay there?
Or will I cave and be a mere five minutes late?
Will I ever truly get this house clean?
In the past getting out of my funk was easy as doing something nice for someone.
That's no longer the easy fix. I am too tired for even that.

I have 5 months left of this merry-go-round.

I am riding a ship on the waves staring at the approaching rocks...helpless to my demise, whispering God help us all.

starting all over

So this is now the THIRD blog I have started.
I have no idea what happened to my other ones.
And I gave up trying to make google let me in.
Its my blog and nooooo one was going to make a mess of it trust me, my life ain't that interesting let me in.
But no.
so take that google I will start all over again.
Somehow I feel that I am getting the shorter end of the stick but whatever.
Actually can I re-lable my blog as whatever?
Its not that I am giving up.
But whatever.
There comes a point in your life that you just wake up and say.
Ok.
Clearly this is not working out. Whatever.
Move on.
And that is what I do.
I move on.

I know that my last last blog was all excited about arriving. And I did.
But in my life, my arriving moments are brief floating moments. Then the next moment takes over.
Rejoice while you got it cause tomorrow will be a whole new stack of life and I think that is just the way it is.
Unless that is just me.
Maybe things stop a little when you have kids and you just kinda go limbo for a while and your personal life is just trying to sleep and diapers. Then you sleep for a year and you start all over again with the daily grind.
That or I have to many jobs.
Many would say too many jobs. But its what I am used to.
Who knows and again.
Whatever.
You know I had this all planned out when I was driving and now its just not coming out as planned.
Again.
Whatever.
I'm blogging.