When it all comes down to this.

So recently my life has taken a turn for, let's call it " did that just happen". 

It's a place. Look it up. 
It started 6 years ago. When this guy who chased me for 3 years finally scored a real date out of me. A year later we married. I noticed odd little things when we dated. He randomly would just get really impossible or silent and just, off.  It was winter. He hated his job. No biggie. That can give anyone the blues. I knew the guy for three years, i was not really worried. Then when we were engaged more stuff crept up. Weddings are stressful. Ask anyone. 
So about 6 months into the marriage. I knew. Something was wrong with my husband and best friend. We started the journey of dealing with mental illness. It's been a bumpy ride. One day to the next you never know who you are going to get or why. Why he was mad or was happy. What would set him off. What would calm him down. What made him blue or put him into a dark cloud. The bad days his eyes would go black. Some days you could just see the pain radiating through those eyes. And there is no cookie, cake or back rub that will fix it. Some days my old Ben would come back. Sometimes it would take weeks. My Ben would stick around for a bit. Never sure how long it would be so you soak up all the time you had. You never know when the black comes back. 
The meds helped. Over the years there was that 3-4 month sweet spot where there would be a couple weeks of my old Ben. And then he was gone. 
So. I worked. I worked a lot. Work I could control. Work I could understand. And work made money. 

Turns out in the end you spend all that time building and one last storm, can finish off 9 years in one final blast. 

5 months ago I realized this was no longer ok. Ben was not ok. I was not ok. We were not ok. I could work all the hours I could physically handle, shoulder every responsibility, require nothing of him save to just get through the day, and it still was not enough. It had to stop. 
When you are married just for the sake of staying together even though you know the marriage is killing your partner, what do you do? Do you offer yourself up on the proverbial chopping block? Keep fighting for something that died long ago? You are emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. There is no end in sight. What do you do? You have waited, begged, pleaded, stayed silent and waited some more. You have cried till the tears ran dry more times than you care to remember. But it does not change. I'm left confused, lost and exhausted.

 And suddenly. You know. 

That bad feeling you had is real. 

You lost...

Now what? 

 So, to be clear. Ben and I are no longer together. 

 Will not be getting back together. 

This did not happen because of Ben's mental health issues. I had other reasons for this, and yes, I do have a limit as to what I share online. This one is personal. 

What I am saying is Mental Illness did play a large part of our day to day lives. And I am including my side of this because in my search for help I have not seen many spouses post how they cope. I see a lot of spouses look for help when its too late.  When they are caught in the endless cycle. 

If you deal with a spouse who deals with depression, my heart goes out to you. Deal with it. It will not go away. Resentment will build, you will start to see your life slowly fade away.  It will happen so slowly you will not even see it coming. Meds and therapy. Do it.
Lots of therapy. 
Therapy for the caretaker spouse, depression leads to isolation. Which feels like rejection. You need to deal with that. Caretaker spouse, you need to keep your life, hobby and interests active. Broke people cannot help broke people. The depressed spouse needs therapy, meds help but the brain needs to be retrained on how to process social and life situations. Coping skills learnt. If kids involved, they need to understand that the depressed parent does love them. Address the issue, deal and move on.

 This is my new year creed. 

Address. Deal. Move on. 

Life is too short for any more wasted time. I would like to include a website I personally found helpful for myself. A lot of it is sad, its families dealing with depression. But if you are dealing with this, I recommend taking off the rose coloured glasses and address the situation. http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Article.aspx?a=153

I'm aware I'm cheesy, corny, and a little unbalanced. What is the alternative? I chose to see the amusing and weird side of life, just a little bit of spice. The alternative is too sad. Depressing. Pathetic. I'm not going to allow the crappy parts of my life to dictate where my future lies. Sure it's crappy. 

But sometimes it takes the crap to see how good the best is. 

My best is damn good, baby.