So I have just returned from a great weekend away. I had a solid ten hours alone, driving and thinking. The last few weeks have been rough. Not really solid on why. Just down right wet dog smelly bad. And I think part of it has to do with this blog. The one I don't want to write and the one I have been putting off. This one hurts I think more than all the other things that have happened this year. This one cuts deep.
I just need to do it. And move on.
And the only reason I am posting this is that I know many woman go through this. And I don't think suffering alone is an answer or good thing.
So when someone asks you who you are, what do you say? What comes to mind? Me? I'm a mom. I dont say that, cause well they ask how many kids and then your like um none. But its who I am.
I think out of all the things that have ripped away at the core of me the last few years is this kid thing. We tried to two years to have a kid. If you have been there you know the earth shattering pain you endure monthly when its yet another no. It keeps hacking at your heart, ripping away your dreams inch by inch. I could not bring myself to complete the process to start dr visits. I don't think I could have really been ok had there been bad news. You don't want to talk about it, its a really personal thing. You don't want to worry your partner. So you....you just cope.
And now, I know this very thing I want so badly, my dream is gone. For now. Maybe ever. Who knows. I don't I wish I did. I wish that there was not a part of me that knows I won't have a kid. I'll be a mom to some kid some day, but have a kid.....I don't know. And for now, I need to accept that this is over. Shed my tears and put this on the shelf for now. Accept it. I can't dwell on it. It makes me angry. Crazy. Bitter. And I feel myself getting stuck at this stage. And I don't like it.
So, i've had my tears.
Had some days of saddness....ok lots of them. and probably more
Had some great friends talk me through some rough patches.
Ate a lot of ice cream
Visited the baby that should have arrived close to my baby.
And I'm ok.
I'm going to be a mom one day. It just may not be what I thought....or when I wanted.
Dear future child, hello, I've been waiting for you.....
