I will not die...

I like the ...  I just hate giving up.  and the "..." Just keeps in going, in my head.
All you grammar nuts.....calm thyself.  It's just in my head ok............  extra long ............. just for fun.

Ok.

So last public blog I made I was still married.  STILL thinking in the VERY back of my head....he's going to come back for me.  Really. I will look up and he will be here.
Nope.
He let me go.
Sigh.
It's for the best. 
He is doing better.
I am figuring out how to be single again.  Bleck.
I just really dislike this figuring out how to be single, becoming one so you can be a blah blah balh.....that's what couples counseling is for.   JUST KIDDING.
I feel cheated. I have been here before. I got the medal.
Now, I get to do it all over again. I am not a fan.  I still hate the idea of dating.
I still hate having to get to know someone enough to trust them with my life.
I still hate the idea of having to join someone else's life.  They should just join mine.

What I would rather is just a nice home town boy who gets my church, my friends, and just fits into my life. I don't have to change or stress or become something. You don't have to explain yourself.  And he just knows who I am and gets why I am and we share the same beliefs and you just want to scream because, you know EXACTLY what you want, EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT and its just not possible.  But if he was possible. And he actually loved me.  Well.  Game over.
I know what I just described seems perfectly normal but for some reason.....it escapes me.
I thought I had it.... My heart has been there before.  Its not sure it wants to take the chance again. It's getting tired and sad. It needs more vitamins.

I find myself amused by the whole thing. That people think I could be destroyed by this all. That they say I am more confident. And so on. Which is nice. But, they don't know what has been inside of me. I hid it all. I tried to fit a mold to become what I thought would work better, someone was just going to try to take me out or down or beat me. If I appeared weak....maybe they will leave me alone. 
Some times, being in a couple is so much easier, you just blame all your faults on your partner, and never have to take responsibility for you. I jest, but really. It's true.

So. I am divorced.  shudder

NEVER thought I would be here.  I remember loving so much that I was sure I would die if I lost him. And then my logic kicks in and reminds me of the not knowing, the waiting, the questions.  Then my heart reminds me that I can't be cold and logical all the time.  Then my brain tells them both to shut up and focus on the road cause you don't have anyone in the vehicle to remind you to pay attention.

So, I'm hanging onto hope and faith and God........and see where the road leads next.