one for the laugh bag

anyone who knows me knows numbers are my biggest strength. that and remembering my phone number and address.  Overparticularily postal codes. At one address I used my license for a year or looked to whatever friend was with me to give the address as my FRIENDS knew it before I could remember.  Sad I know.
Especially since mail came TO MY HOUSE in Ontario.

Good Ol Sask has PO boxes .  Which as you can guess where this is going is numbers  oh and the street names are all numbers and you guessed it the house is numbered too.  Guess how many new numbers that is.  and new phone numbers too.  so when asked where I live...I point and describe the house...and most people get it here....cause small town

So when I go to get my mail....guess what happens.  Yeah  If someone was watching on camera they must be dying laughing.  So I know the 4 numbers or i think I do.  but I can ncver remember the order.  So...I go to the wall where I remember the box being.  and I start sticking the key in the locks.  till a box opens.  \

thas right.

earlier this week I discovered that my key opens not only my box but another persons

so if I have not sent you my address o=h dear friends....its because I have no bloody clue what my box number is and when I find the sheet with my address on it....well its a happy day and a half hour less time in getting my mail.

I have decIided that

I will never be a real woman.
Maybe I am missing motherhood.  Maybe that will fix the link in my brain.  The thing that just makes me AH not able to have words or say things that are interesting.  Like I think I fit in Sask because deep down, I'm boring.  and blah.  I'm BLAH. Maybe. Maybe I have accepted who I am and given up on improvement.  I made it this far and I'm done.  Deal with it. Maybe.
I have a friend, ok  a couple friends who blog and journal like no ones business. like boxes of journals.And I try, cause it looks cool and good for processing and ok I HAVE NO FREEEEEKIN IDEA WHY PEOPLE JOURNAL!!!!    I went trough my old diaries and shredded them, ok the one or two pages I managed to actually write down.  Shredded.  I was like WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHY ARE THEY SO RETARDED!!!! WHO wants to remember the RETARDED GOOOO that comes from a 13 year old's brain? BLEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
 And I cannot make my writing look good....
I CANNOT control my hand and my penmanship lasts for a half a page and then I get so mad at the mess I just throw it away.  I think there are just some people who are not bloggers.  And I am one of them.  I will settle to spur on bloggers.   I blog...mainly because when I am face to face with people what I actually want to say NEVER comes out right so I correct my verbal diarrhea with emails and texts. like who does that?  Um Becky we just hung out for an hour and I get home to an email explaining our conversation.  whats up with that.  and you may be reading this and think...I never got that email....thats because I realized how SILLY that was and did not send it! BUT I have scads of unsent emails floating around....sigh.....See.  I will never be a proper woman.  I am unfit for the masses.  I may be 30 but I am no woman.  I am not a girl. I am not a lady.  I have created a new gender.  Its called Becky.
 I feel I have blogged about this a few times and I need to think about this.  and I need to eat food. and not be a woman

Not finished yet

 So, recently I have been privileged with a Bible study group that is, well people in my age group, that I am not mentoring, that I am not trying to avoid, that I am not leading, that I am in no way helping with and (I love my teenagers more than they will know) but NO TEENAGERS.  Do you know how long it has been since I have had the joint concoction of all the above?  10 years!!!

 Not healthy.  May I say, if you are in leadership or are in a place of helping people, you need to find a place where your soul is ministered to, otherwise.  You become Becky.  And no one wants to be that.  Not even Becky.

So here are my thoughts recently on well me.

I'm not finished.
I have not been completed.
I thought for a while that I was done. This it.  Now I am just going to coast now, I have done it all and I am done and now I just sit around and let the dust settle. No more adventures, no more thrilling life, no more just going for it. Its done and now I just hang on the wall like a pretty landscape painting.  Not particularly eye catching, not too unpleasant. Just good enough to be called art but not enough to be hung over the fireplace.
That is where I was.
But I'm not finished.
The artist has started, the drawing is in place, the lines are laid out, the colors are coming to place, you can see the beginnings of a grand work.  The artist has laid the painting aside, collecting thoughts and working out the flow, processing the completion.  But now is ready to continue and finish this one and make it worthy of  the fireplace.

So my dear friends.  Do you feel like a paint by number landscape hiding in the closet, covered in dust and forgotten?  Don't!
Remember your master painter has a plan and don't fade away.
You are over the fireplace material.  Its just a process.  Allow it and allow yourself to be the canvas.

How's that for cheese ball?

Yeah, but (take a deep breath as I can do that now)  I like the looks of  that spot over the mantle.

Good good life

So now that the decision is made and things are rolling along the freaking out has cleared.  slightly.
I'm still going to freak out, its just not me with out a spas or two. But at least I know I do this.  I am reminded of a line from a veggie tale movie "my mother was a worm and my father a caterpillar, but I am ok with that now." I cannot change who I am, but make who I am work for who I want to become.

So, I now have one job. Very exciting.  Ok I will have one job for maybe two weeks. Then my new jobs start, but they are significantly lower stress than my current jobs.  Which is awesome. I liked my current jobs, but I am ready to enjoy life and put less attention on working.

the kitchen table

I have had this fabulous kitchen table.
I love it.
Sadly I don't use it much.
I do like to look at it though , every morning I walk past it and think how much I love it and wish I spent more time using it.

Lately I have been.  There is just something about a kitchen table.  And having a great view to both the front door and the TV all from one seat.

So a friend asked how the packing was going.  I've been puttering away...had a great throwing stuff away session with another great friend who knows how to cut out the things you will never look at again.
But, I have a long way to go.
How is the packing going?

This was my process when we started to think about moving.
Meh, you know we don't have that much stuff. I am pretty good about throwing away junk and we don't have THAT much stuff.  Should be a breeze. I've done this so many times. Easy.

Incidentally, I was talking to a moving company about quotes. I told him we just needed someone to drive the truck we would load and unload, and pack. Not that big a deal.  He went on to explain that I really should not do that. For a move like that I needed a professional mover to really pack things right, you don't just put things in the truck and drive away.(really, what do you do?) Now, to be fair he had no idea how much moving I had done and that this was in fact my um....5th packing for a cross Canada move, (5 being mine, family and friends who I have assisted in the packing and moving and shipping process, dude, I'm a pro) Before I laid into him, he did ask if I had also been drinking that day as it was Friday and he always has a few on Friday, and every other work day.  1. If I just want a truck and driver quote, do what I ask. 2. Don't tell a potential customer you are currently drinking on the job.

So as the looming decision to move neared, I started to take stalk again. There is a lot of stuff I just don't like, grew out of love with and generally don't need.  Begin garage sale pile.  There is too much stuff in this house, oh well future Becky can deal with it.

Three weeks away from the move. I walk through the house daily, examine each pile. Freak out about how much stuff we still need to get ride of and sell, and wander some more. I pack a box or two and move to the designated packed box room. Then examine that room as the room becomes smaller and smaller and there is so much more to pack. Then I wander the house and freak out more.

one less freak out session for me, finalizing jobs in sask is looking pretty good.  Whew.....

I know everything will come together in the end it always does.  But how boring would the process be without  a little freak out and calming down?

The kitchen table made the cut, its coming with.  The coffee maker however did not.  He was added to the garage sale pile. See ya Henry.  I am hoping to replace you with a nice silver Gerrardo in the future.

Home is where your story begins

Its 4 am and I am laying awake and wishing. Its the worst time to wish. Its the obsessing hour. You change things in your mind to be what you want them to be and then come up with a solution. And a way to make those solutions a reality. Sometimes there is no solution. There is only obsession. 
So as I lay here obsessing, what can I do?
So I am now 30. Current child 0 current husband 1 current cat 1. Not really the way I thought things would be 10 years ago. I find it very ironic that those who want kids just can't seem to have them and those that never really planned on it get them o so easily. The when are you having kids question is getting old. I don't know. Appaerntly its a process. Its just one more thing life has thrown at me to screw with me. I mean sure I can drive stick in the city now and got married to the only man alive who gets me and I got my fireplace and dishwasher and apparently can rock any job (who are we kidding I'm just plain awesome) I even moved up to full out professional status and got a blackberry. But, its not enough. Maybe its my upbringing, maybe the daily goal setting regiment screwed me for life. I can't help it I want more. I need a change. I find myself caught in a whirlwind and I want to jump out. I feel like saying rides over. I jump off and try a new one. Is that normal? My life has been a quest for normalcy and I have hit it once or twice. But this is just not working. I'm tired of making the puzzle pieces fit. I'm lying to myself and making myself believe I belong here. So many good things are in my life. But I can't just find that I'm home feeling. It left a while ago. I don't know why. But I don't like unsettled much. So I've waited and prayed and waited and been faithful and waited. And waited. And then home. I'm going home. Its such relief and alternating terror. But its home. And I think its what I need most of all. Go home and take who I have become from 20 to 30 and let that person who I really am finally rest. And rock the next chapter of my life.  So ontario its been a slice. But home is calling.  And its well home. And I think I deserve the chance to truly be home. Finally.

Center Stage

As many know I have been behind, under, hidden in and above the stage in I think every one but 2 of the productions at NCC for the past 9ish years.
During that time I was a cast member once. I had one line.  I could not figure out for the life of me how to not sound like moron when I said my one line. I blame the line.  For that performance I played the role of the Egyptian Princess who adopted baby Moses.  She may have been mentioned by name but I forget it.  I rode bare back in a skirt, in the church, down the aisle in the dark, with a spot light on me and the very nervous horse that was also pregnant at the time, WHILE holding a REAL LIVE NEW BORN BABY.  Somehow the fact that I sounded like a moron was the LEAST of my concerns. I stuck to the behind the scenes stuff after that.  But every night I would kinda think...could I have pulled off the on stage performance as well?
The other night it dawned on me.  I have been on the stage before.  DUH

Heaven's Gates Hells Flames came to Kindersley and I can't remember the year.  But I do remember I got to play a rebel. I used an old Barbi bracelet as a nose ring and crimped my hair and teased it to a glorious height,  I used some form of coloring devise to streak it blue and green, put dark make up on and the most rebel clothing I owned.  I was a party girl. It was my first stage experience I think.  I mean I have forgotten completely that I had been on stage so who knows lol I may have acted before.

And then there was was Maritza Zitzen Baroness Von Blitzen in our highschool dinner theatre.  The dress I wore for that performance had been around.  My aunt, the one I get my funky shoes from, had this black long dress.  It was dynamite.  It was in our play house for years.  I pulled it out for the show.  And fell in love with it.  I wore it as Maritza Zitzen.  I wore it to WIBI.  I wore it to work in my brief experience as a sales person for that print shop that went out of business one day.  A good buddy of mine wore it for his performance as Celine Dione at my sisters grad. I wore it for a bridesmaid dress at Tammy's wedding. I wore it to a WIBI banquet. All in all, that dress probably got about 30 years play. Then one day. It was gone. I think I let it rest in peace. It deserved it. But some days I think about that dress....clearly remembering it more than my acting career.

so it begins...

So on this the eve of my 30th birthday I would like to share the top 30 moments of my life

Top 30 moments of my life.....30 being best of course...and in no order of age.
1. Falling off the cliff wall at the gorge and landing in a tree. Note to self free climbing is painful.
2. My mom returning my dog to my care after 3 years of being dogless.
3. Landing a job on pure strength of character.
4. Buying my first TV.
5. My first away from Mom clothes shopping purchase, in Texas. It was a one piece short set type outfit with blue flowers...shoulda gotten the jean dress instead lol.
6. Driving from the house to the farm and not stalling the truck.
7. Watching my sister sit on the floor of the truck so no one would see her with me lol.
8. Listening to Sarah tell Paul stories she made up based on the shapes of the clouds.
9. Flying down the dirt road with no helmet on, hair flying in the wind on the dirt bike.
10. Picking dead bugs out of my hair.
11. Looking behind my tractor and seeing the perfectly plowed field behind me.
12. That year my farmers tan lasted till January.
13. The first 1,000 hours I logged on the garden tractor.
14. That wicked nasty bruise I got from my first attempt at water skiing. Also lasted till January.
15. All the crazy stuff being friends with Tammara throws your way lol.
16. Dad pulling Sarah out of the river cause she fell in walking on the edge of the sandbar.
17. Field trip days with Dad.
18. My first trip to the beach which was also my first trip on the QEW which was also done with a donut as my tire was flat, while my friends were yelling at me to drive faster. wow
19. My first trip to the falls, I may have gushed.  No one ever came home dry from a trip to the falls with me and my car always smelt like the falls lol
20. My 20th surprise party and hiding in the closet with Tammy.
21. Chocolate and Milk with Tammy in numerous closets hiding from an equally numerous amounts of roommates.
22. Pizza and movies with Franziska.
23. That day when a water fight broke out while doing dishes and I slipped on the bubbles on the floor and flew across the apartment, landed on my back in the coat closet with shattered glass and bubbles all over me.
24. Attempting to pick a fight with Ben just to win, yeah he saw through that and I still lost. sigh
25. That night I had WAY too much coffee and could not get the car door open.
26.Driving El to the hospital the night Shalisha was born.
27. My kids.
28. That first time Ben and I pretended to date and I told him he better not fall for me.
29. Ben bought ice cream treats for my birthday without nuts on them so we would not make a mess of my clean living room.
 30 Tomorrow and what the next 30 brings.