I will never be a real woman.
Maybe I am missing motherhood. Maybe that will fix the link in my brain. The thing that just makes me AH not able to have words or say things that are interesting. Like I think I fit in Sask because deep down, I'm boring. and blah. I'm BLAH. Maybe. Maybe I have accepted who I am and given up on improvement. I made it this far and I'm done. Deal with it. Maybe.
I have a friend, ok a couple friends who blog and journal like no ones business. like boxes of journals.And I try, cause it looks cool and good for processing and ok I HAVE NO FREEEEEKIN IDEA WHY PEOPLE JOURNAL!!!! I went trough my old diaries and shredded them, ok the one or two pages I managed to actually write down. Shredded. I was like WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHY ARE THEY SO RETARDED!!!! WHO wants to remember the RETARDED GOOOO that comes from a 13 year old's brain? BLEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
And I cannot make my writing look good....
I CANNOT control my hand and my penmanship lasts for a half a page and then I get so mad at the mess I just throw it away. I think there are just some people who are not bloggers. And I am one of them. I will settle to spur on bloggers. I blog...mainly because when I am face to face with people what I actually want to say NEVER comes out right so I correct my verbal diarrhea with emails and texts. like who does that? Um Becky we just hung out for an hour and I get home to an email explaining our conversation. whats up with that. and you may be reading this and think...I never got that email....thats because I realized how SILLY that was and did not send it! BUT I have scads of unsent emails floating around....sigh.....See. I will never be a proper woman. I am unfit for the masses. I may be 30 but I am no woman. I am not a girl. I am not a lady. I have created a new gender. Its called Becky.
I feel I have blogged about this a few times and I need to think about this. and I need to eat food. and not be a woman
:) you are one of a kind. Don't beat yourself up so much crazy lady. Love you and miss you. Wish you were here so I'd drive stick again :)
ReplyDeleteFYI... The rambled scribbles are the process! People who have journals filled with nice writing and fancy phrases are experiencing the crazy mess on you're paper too, it's just on the inside.
ReplyDeleteMy journals look like yours, ridiculously unreadable but at the time writing it down was SO important. My advice, keep 2 journals... One to rant in and then burn and the other to keep your good memories in- no ranting aloud in that one :)
Ps just because you haven't given birth to a parasite (also fondly known as a child) doesn't mean you're not a mother... And just because you don't feel like a woman doesn't mean you aren't one... Stop focusing on what you are not and start figuring out who you want to be and how you're going to get there!
Consider this a loving slap up side the head from one lost woman to another... And before you ask, yes I'm FULLY aware that I need to take my own advice :)
Being independent and strong doesn't make you less of a woman, ib makes you more of a person. Figure out what you want and redefine "woman"
Love you!!
-s
oh Steph......
ReplyDeleteOh Tammara......
Please come floating down the river with me next year.....we can be mosquito food together....