Hannauh Esther

So I’m a mommy. 

It’s been 5 weeks.  So I’m a functioning zombie.  3 hours is not enough sleep.  4. That’s the magic number.  

When I was 19 I didn’t really plan on a career.  Which was obvious by my job choices. I was just waiting and filling in time till life started.  

I assumed I would just get married and be a mom.  That didn’t happen. 

So I determined to fill in where I could. Babysitting my friends kids so they could sleep. Working. Volunteering.  Getting in life so I would have time for babies later. 

At 26 I got married the first time.  We agreed to wait 3 years to have kids.  At the three year mark we started trying.  No baby.  Two years later the marriage ended.  The kid thing was one of the many reasons that marriage ended. I had just begun testing to see why I wasn’t getting pregnant. And the preliminary tests all came back no issues.  So I got on with life.  

Two years later I got remarrried.  

Kendall already had a kid so we knew his stuff worked.  We talked at length about having more kids.  And he knew there may be issues on my part.  

My friends all said I was lucky to not have had a kid with my first husband.   However they had no idea I was terrified I would never have a kid.  

I remember driving home after visiting friends and crying the whole way home. Wondering if I would ever have my own kid.  

When your a step parent there is a world of difference to having your own kid.  Even in how other people respond to your relationship with a step child.    It’s like your a pseudo parent. Which in some ways you are.  

Kendall would always say in my darkest moments that I would have a baby one day.  I had lost hope. 

We went to the drs again.  I thought I was pregnant the first year of marriage.  The dr felt I had lost the baby very early.  So he referred us to a specialist.  We began a 3 year journey. 

The dr gave us a 3% chance at having a child naturally.  I was a tad surprised. There were no issues. With assistance, our chances went up a couple percentages.  So we dove in.  So many appointments, blood draws, trips to the city, tears, disappointments and bottles of wine. 

I don’t expound on my faith a lot.  I don’t like people assuming things about me based on the very negative picture media places on people of faith. So I tend to keep quiet. Faith is after all a personal relationship. 

Do I feel this baby is a miracle? Yes. You can do fertility treatments for years with no results. 

Do i feel I wasn’t believing enough that I chose to have medical assistance. No. 

Faith without works is dead faith.  In my belief. You can pray for results all day long but if you don’t do anything about your situation, I don’t think you are truly ready for the results of your faith. 

I can’t tell you how many times over the years people prayed over the kid situation. 

I would have people call me in the middle of the night from over seas because they felt they needed to. More than once. Over the years those calls kept happening.   Painfully stirring up hope. This child is an answer not only to my prayers but to so many across the globe.  Literally.   

Her name.  

I had an aunt that also struggled with not having a baby. 

Like me, she was all about kids.  She was our Sunday school teacher, worked with kids and we spent many days and weekends with this aunt. I remember so many bible stories that came alive because of her.  We would spend hours naming kittens. And we discussed her babies names at length.  

When she finally did have a baby she chose Hannauh Esther as a girls name. 

Hannauh because of the story of Hannauh as well as the meaning of the name (we spent a lot of time looking at biblical names, methuselah the kitten was our favourite) 

Esther because of grandma and I recall Esther was one of our favourite stories. 

She had a boy.  So the name waited.    Her boy was the last to be born in the family.  Her son and my birthdays are on the same day 13 years apart. I am the first grand and he was the last. 

It doesn’t mean a lot but it’s kind of neat. 

It’s like waiting and holding your breath.  And finally you can breathe.  

After we announced a baby was coming so many awesome things started happening in my cousins lives too.  

What does it all mean? I don’t know.  But I do know some prayers take years and grandma has been praying for her grandchildren since the day they were born.  

So that’s the story of how Hannauh came to be.  

23 years of promise

18 years of waiting

5 years of trying

survival of the gender wars

My sweet baby has decided she needs mommy to sleep so I’m up with time to kill as I await the next feeding time. 

We discovered something interesting during the course of my pregnancy.  Equality of the sexes is none existent.  

My husband is involved.  Our first parenting journey was with his daughter from a previous marriage. In this case I play the step parent, daddy is the boss and I’m here to facilitate assistance and support. I’m not her mommy.   I’m her step mom.  It’s different in a way.  So her dad, my husband was a single parent before I came along and he’s adjusted to having someone else join the parenting team.  But he’s still the parent. So he’s possibly a tad more involved in some aspects other dads don’t usually bother themselves with. And we noticed that the rest of the public doesn’t recognize that very well. 

He couldn’t take his girl to the bathroom at the mall because there were no family rooms at the time. If he’s out shopping with her without me he gets looks. 

I noticed during pregnancy that daddies are not really included. 

All the apps and information and support before the baby is all about mom. Where is the support for dad? I get it’s only 9 months.  But a lot happens and changes those 9 months.  

When we were in hospitals trying to have this baby something greatly bothered me. 

The mom is labouring and should get a bed.  But the dad is there for support.  Not one hospital had a chair for dad that wasn’t broken or very old and very uncomfortable. Labor takes forever. It’s hard. It requires support. Dad got the floor to sleep on. Not even a cot or mattress most of the time. Dirty floor. 

Mom got meals, dad got to wander the halls In exhausted haze sore from sleeping on the floor. How are they supposed to be helpful in that state? 

Daddy filled out the forms to register our baby. Imagine his surprise when the forms flat out denied him the right to claim benefits for his child.  They gave me benefits for both kids.  Including one that I have no relation to.  Simply because I am a woman. Our government which is so focused on equality has failed to recognize our men. Our daddies. They didn’t even care about his address. 

Daddy took the baby to see the dr. And the Dr was questioning where the mom was.   If mom went they would never ask where dad was. But apparently daddy can’t even take his baby to a simple dr check up?  

He asked if that’s how a woman feels in a mans world.   I said yes. 

“So if you walked into a parts store that’s how they look at you?”

Always. 

“Man that sucks”

At least he gets it. 

But really.  Can we just get dad a chair that’s not broken? 

an update.

So I last blogged a couple years ago.  Here is an update. 

My garden grew from the little ol 9,000sq ft to about 20,000.  Meh. 

I have won the debate about cheese and milk cow and lost it, a few times over.   It will happen one day.  But I have learnt the last 4 years that Kendall has to be 100% in agreement or it’s just going to cause issues.  So I wait. 

Blister the donkey had to leave.  

He began tearing down fences. 

He was mean to the horse.  

So after much debate he left.  

It’s sad but I’m happy to not be dealing with his stunts. 

After many tears and failures I finally got pregnant. No really.   I’m not just fat.  A friend of mine keeps bugging me about how I keep bringing it up.  And I don’t really care.  I had given up on having kids.  So yeah, a huge life change and it still blows my mind. 

Turns  out the only thing that can kill my need to work constantly is being pregnant.  

So my sad garden and yard have been neglected this year.  This year it was all about growing this baby.  Pretty much everything was kind of pushed aside.  It took so long to get to this place I’ve just accepted it and the weeds. 

My step daughter is coming back for a second year in a row. I’m excited and nervous.  I always get a surge of anxiety before she comes back.  Will I do right by her? Will she have an amazing childhood? Will I be a good step mom?  I’m confident all is ready. I mean not much has changed since she was here in the spring. But I still worry, clothes? Toys? Toilet paper? Food, what do you feed a kid again?   Weird stuff like that.  Pretty soon I’ll be wondering again what I did with my time when she wasn’t here. 

We are still in limbo about farming and business.  Kendall is away all summer working. I hate it and love it.  I can work to my hearts content when he’s gone, but I miss him and wish he was home.  The first two years of our marriage were so heavenly being together working the farm together.  The house stays cleaner when he’s gone and I have a very flexible, sure let’s go shopping, schedule. But I miss his presence. And cooking. We are dreaming and planning but we take it one day at a time and will see where it takes us. 

So that’s an update.  I guess I’ll start thinking more blogging not that I have access again.   

recover password

So over the course of a couple phone upgrades due to dropping/smashing I lost the password to my blog account.  Couldn’t remember which obscure email it was attached to and could not remember the paaaword to my first Hotmail account which was the backup for said password.  

Then, the old app I was using was apparently no longer supported.  I had to get a new app. 

So.  Several hours later I’m in! 

I’ve been sitting on some blogs.  Some too close to the heart to process. Some just not ready to share.  And some just waiting for me to sit and recover passwords to a web of 4 forgotten accounts.   But I made it through the wormhole.  Whew.  Now to blog. 

The ranch.

Every single place I've lived I've grown things. 

Even the apartment.  It's just something I've done. Second nature. 

Could be that I got used to grandma bringing over mountains of produce from her garden. Or raiding moms garden as a kid.  Or the fields of potatoes we grew at the farm. Either way. It's in my blood. 

I've always dreamt of a huge garden. 

After 17 years it's finally become a reality. 

My current garden is 9,000sq ft.  Basically I do a jar of pickles a day. Choke down the feeling of terror when I think about harvesting those potatoes. And then just walk around with glee checking out the food I grew. 

I don't usually like cooking.  I do however love fresh produce.  Like fresh as in I picked it this morning and I'm eating it for supper. The colors are so bright. The flavour out is this world, and it smells, healthy, real and to die for. I can't help but imagine my ancestors and the prairie pioneers making the food I'm making and  I feel, connected to my roots, grounded. 

It brings out the super creative side of me and I think up all these amazing ideas. Which I usually have to put on the shelf. But, I don't anymore.  

I have a chance to make my love of gardening and growing things into a real business. Something I've always been passionate about. And something I actually love for a change. And something I can make a little money on, cause j really don't want to go back to an office job.  

I'm going to make teas and flours, and grow things. Im going to make cheese. I'm going to be an artisan hippie. 

And one day you will arrive at our farm and a flock of goats will greet you, the peacocks will squak at you, Blister the donkey will throw his water pail out of his pen at you because he wants attention too, and in the distance you will see the zebra, running with the horses.   I'll be walking around the house pulling off my gloves and hand you a carrot fresh from the ground.  And we will sit in the shade surrounded by plants and flowers and sip cold herbal tea I dried yesterday while we snack on frwsh home grown bread and butter, you will leave with your car loaded with fresh garden goodness and I will go back to work, getting Blister more water. 

I feel left out

That's what my step daughter said as she negotiated herself to sleep tonight. 

She would feel less left out if she has a sister to share her room. But not a brother. He has the other room.  But really. When is my sister going to get here she asks. 

I don't know 

I'm running out of things to tell her 

I'm running out of things to tell me. 

Kendall says don't get bitter. 

 Easier said than done. 

At least I'm saving money on birth control 

Right? 

In review

I don't do resolutions. 

I do like looking back and looking forward. 

What is new, what do I want to hang on to, what do I want to let go of. 

What did I like what can I change 

This year is going to be a new kind of fun and terrifying for me. More on that later.  

But now, since I don't do Christmas cards (I had a car accident sick kid inventory store change over and then actual Christmas to deal with, we're lucky we all remained in clean clothes) here is an update on the Siemens. And yes. It's on Facebook.  And no. I'm not going to mail it. 

No you can't have another cookie 

And yes we can play barbie later 

Wait. Wrong conversation.  

Ok last New Years we were driving back from Florida. We visited Jocelyn.

We returned home to finish potty training the puppy Sophie.

We had just finished painting and sanding down the kitchen and staining. Ok Kendall did most of that. I was at work. 

We then began negotiations on kitchen lighting, paint colours, tile colours, cows, chickens, pigs, who was going to let Sophie in and who's turn it was to fill the car with gas. I ended up learning how to work the farm tanks.  We got pigs and chickens. Sophie has us all trained to let her in. 

I finally took the nail technician course. My dream come true!!!! 

Kendall introduced me to minecraft. 

Spring brought changes, our roommate moved out, Sophie preferred to be outside, and the " there is going to be a child in this house " preparations began.  A six year old needs stuff to play with. 

Seeding began.  I had to cook again. Kendall does most of the winter food around here. He's good and doesn't burn stuff. 

Jocelyn arrived in June.  The chickens and pigs arrived shortly before Jocelyn.  The cows and their babies arrived just before all that started.  It was busy.   And so began play dates, stuffies, bed time stories and proof that I could stick to a schedule. Sophie got ticks in droves, we had a daily tick removal session. 

Summer came to a close and it was decided Jocelyn was going to start school in Canada.  

Up this this point, everything was temporary.  But. I wanted her to feel settled. So.  The house got rearranged.  Jocelyn got more stuff.  Her room got organized. We wrote out schedules. Timed pick up and drop off.  Registered for school.  Gymnastics. And then. Back to school shopping.  Lunch box back pack.  School supply lists. Nailed it. And then called grandma for back up cause all that stuff had to be labeled?!?!? 

Life changed. A bit

Kendall moved on to Starcraft 

Sophie got shaved. 

We only mixed up lunch days once. 

And apparently kids do grow, and fast.  And you have to change clothing sizes.  

My worst fear was if she got sick, would I know what to do? 

Daddy remained perfectly calm while step mom had her freak out sessions. 

Then came ikids. A gaping question.  Of how? I work in town. Half and hour away she gets off the bus at 4 in bed by 8:30 and daddy is still combining.  And so are the grandparents. And so is everyone else   

I was not driving back and forth twice. And she could not stay out that late. 

IKids was put on hold.  I couldn't find anymore help. 

I don't like quitting. Stopping. Or letting people down. 

But there was no way I was going to put myself, Kendall or Jocelyn through that. It's not ok to be that busy or tired or stressed.  Done. 

Around here Kendall moved on to play heroes of something.  

Sophie's hair grew back 

We are getting more pigs next year 

Negations have started on egg laying hens. And a peacock. 

We found our donkey. Blister arrives soon! 

So. The last half of the year I've been enjoying the challenges of raising a 6 year old.  Doing birthdays. Christmas. Tooth fairy. The where are your gloves game.   And loving it. 

It's hard work.  But I would not trade it for anything.  

Mommy came to visit Jocelyn.  We had a fun week in the snow.  

Kendall finally picked a paint color. ( everyone is happy and I don't have to look at paint samples anymore ) And tile. And the countertop.  And the lights in the kitchen got finished. 

Kendall likes to keep life from being boring around the farm.  Be it shooting moths in the house with a gun, changing his hair styles more than me, (he's back to the sexy bald look) butchering animals in the kitchen, randomly turning off the power, (fixing something) putting tractors through house walls, teaching me the fine art of cow moving ( 4x4. I finally drove in 4 wheel drive. In mud!!!!!!) he's also very good at distress calls. Like, the tire is flat, I hit a deer and I need gas. And I'm in the ditch.  He's quite literally my hero. And he's kinda. Well. Hot. 

Kendall endured three long days of downloading and I endured three long days of Kendall waiting for the download and he is now happly playing Star Wars.  Apparently farm Internet has bested me and we are stuck with what we have. 

Basically. That's also why I haven't blogged in almost a year. 

So. From all of us and the animals, it's going to be a great year!!!!