Lois Lane

I am falling

I am falling

Crashing and burning, falling and spinning.

Here I am waiting, waiting for you to save me.

I am like the mighty hero, flying though the sky smashing into anything that may dare get into my path. Mighty and fierce. Ready to do battle. Strong and ready to withstand the strongest blow.

But then, I am not. I am battle weary. I am torn and weak, weary of the fight. Ready to give up.  But the end is in site. I am waiting for the final scene.

Waiting for the rescue.

So here I float, searching for your hand, will it reach through the fog?

Suspended in limbo all I see is chaos and ruin.

Blades of light pierce the fog, soft glowing fingers of life and light, shattering the cold.

Bringing calm to the chaos, light to the dark, piercing the fog.

And there in the midst of the hope, your hand pierces through, fingers outstretched

waiting for my hand to reach out and be rescued.

So here I wait.

In limbo

For the superman rescue  

bent not broken

So I have just returned from a great weekend away. I had a solid ten hours alone, driving and thinking.  The last few weeks have been rough.  Not really solid on why.   Just down right wet dog smelly bad.  And I think part of it has to do with this blog.  The one I don't want to write and the one I have been putting off.  This one hurts I think more than all the other things that have happened this year.  This one cuts deep.

 I just need to do it.  And move on.
And the only reason I am posting this is that I know many woman go through this.  And I don't think suffering alone is an answer or good thing.

So when someone asks you who you are, what do you say?   What comes to mind?   Me?  I'm a mom.  I dont say that, cause well they ask how many kids and then your like um none.  But its who I am.

I think out of all the things that have ripped away at the core of me the last few years is this kid thing. We tried to two years to have a kid.  If you have been there you know the earth shattering pain you endure monthly when its yet another no.  It keeps hacking at your heart, ripping away your dreams inch by inch.  I could not bring myself to complete the process to start dr visits.  I don't think I could have really been ok had there been bad news.  You don't want to talk about it, its a really personal thing. You don't want to worry your partner.  So you....you just cope.
And now, I know this very thing I want so badly, my dream is gone.  For now.  Maybe ever.  Who knows.  I don't I wish I did.  I wish that there was not a part of me that knows I won't have a kid. I'll be a mom to some kid some day, but have a kid.....I don't know.  And for now, I need to accept that this is over.  Shed my tears and put this on the shelf for now. Accept it.  I can't dwell on it.  It makes me angry. Crazy. Bitter. And I feel myself getting stuck at this stage.  And I don't like it.
 
So, i've had my tears.
Had some days of saddness....ok lots of them. and probably more
Had some great friends talk me through some rough patches.
Ate a lot of ice cream
Visited the baby that should have arrived close to my baby.

And I'm ok.

I'm going to be a mom one day.  It just may not be what I thought....or when I wanted.

Dear future child, hello, I've been waiting for you.....

Set a fire

So I'm traveling via bus. Alone.  I hate alone. Not that I can't be alone.  But I hate doing things alone. I recall a movie where the premise was a life unwitnessed.  Its my fear I will live that life sometimes. I have done so much of my life alone.  Waiting to share. Wishing I could have someone witness my life. And I'm back here again.  I just want someone to remember I'm alive.  It's the annoying part of being human. And a woman apparently. And admitting your human.   Part of me just wants to be part machine.  Nothing bothers me I don't care about human  experiences and mostly, don't get hurt. But I can't.   I feel like Bones, i need things to be rational and reasonable. But that is not how it works. And Bones eventually got her Booth.  And she had Angela.  And I have lots of her.  Cause Booth, well........I dont think i would survive Booth.
Then, there is the part of me that is sitting still and has time to think.  The freaky nomad hippy artist.  She's winning tonight so hence the blog.   So.
Couple weeks ago was rough.  Rough enough that the escape plan was initiated. As in dissapear.
The city girl diva wants polished perfection.   The hippy Farm girl wants a cabin in the woods next to a lake living off the earth shoeless. I know.  Me. Shoeless.
So the point.
Ok so I blogged about being a diva.  And I've been a bit of one as of late.  nd thank you to all who have endured that crazy person.   Tonight's inspiration brought to you by Adel and "one and only"
It's not easy giving up your heart.  She sings this line " let me be your one and only " and "give me a chance I promise I'm worth it"
I used to feel " please just give me a chance. I'm weird but worth it."
Girls.  No body is perfect.  Don't be a doormat.   Don't think he is your last chance.  Cause he will be your end.  You gave up and settled for someone you will always feel did you a favour This works for guys as well.   And possibly more sad.
"I dare you". Ok this line I get.   I dare you.  Prove it.  Don't play games.  If you mean it.   Mean it.
So this is where my diva phase has brought me.
 I'm worth it.  Ill prove it over time. Show me your worth it. My heart is worth it.

And if the other person can't see that......  They are not worth it, will never get you, and you need to move on!

It's a blonde roots issue

So I have an issue with blondes.
Not necessarily the hair color. I have been known to go blonde a time or two. It's more the blonde attitude.  What's that? Ok.  I'll explain.
My theory is that guys are attracted to confidence. Which in some women is thinly veiled well, birch  (you know what I ment). And guys cannot tell the difference.

Examples? Ok.
So you are talking to a guy you may or may not like.  It does not matter.  And in walks the blonde.  She's not always blonde.  She has many different looks.  But she has one goal.    Get the attention of every male and have them eating out of her hand.   She doesn't want any of them.  She's just playing the game.

Yes boys.
Some girls do this.

What brings a girl to do this? Bad breakup, low self esteem, daddy issues or just general not a nice person.  If your this girl.  Stop it.  Your playing with fire.

Boys.
She's just playing.  
And your going to get burnt.

And that.  Is my issue with blondes.  

Incidentally, statistically choosing blonde hair color is a sign you are looking for attention.

Down with love

I wish I could say I'm done with love.
I wish I could just let it go and not care.
I wish I could say I don't think about it.
Its a non issue.
But thats not me.
Not that I am obsessed with it.
But I think about it.
I'm good at long term, bad at short term.  I don't do temporary well. I prefer to get the short game done and out of the way and move on to the long game. I'm good at that.

My last blog contained some memories of past love.
Don't worry old boyfriends wives, I'm not coming after your man.
There were moments that impacted me greatly and they are precious memories to me. Not all of them happy, many sad, but they shaped who I am today. That is a chapter closed.

Theres something to be said for that agony. Its delicious.

Your heart aches
You yearn
You talk for hours
You smile
You don't sleep
You agonize
You are torn up
You laugh
You cry
You are alive
You dream
You live poetry everyday

Its young love, and ever so often, it slowly ebbs to deep lasting commitment. Old love.  Love that lingers. Love that is there when all the fireworks have faded. Love that makes you want to be better. Love that carries you through to the end. Love that knows. It just knows.  That is the kind of love I would be down with.

it looks like its that time again....

So two years ago I wrote a highlight of my life list.

I would like to share what two years older me feels are highlights.....


ok these are not in order

1 Still gotta say that water fight that ended with me sliding across the floor of the apartment. And Franziska's face when the glass shattered.
2 That night I went to a movie with a buddy of mine, it was horrible, it stands out in my head because it was such an awkward night. I got home and was like, weird.  It still makes me laugh.
3 I like surprise parties. My 20th was fun. And overwhelming. I just broke up with a great guy. He was there. It was weird. We still don't speak.
4 Tammy and chocolate and milk and hiding from our roommates.  I had a lot of roommates. You would hide too!
5 Franziska and her journals and her way of never making me feel that I am too weird to be her friend. She thinks I am funny, sometimes. And no matter the distance, we pick right back up where we left off.
6 Ok, I concede. That night where I "danced" with the guy I was "dating."  Its been a day I wanted to forget. But it lives on. And now um 15ish years later.  Its funny. I say "danced" because I refused to get within arms length of him so I made him stand across the room.  I know. I was 17. I had my reasons.
7 I was saying good bye to this guy I was crazy about. And he asked me to stay. I should have stayed. I left. I should have left.  We will never know.  But it was a bitter sweet moment.  And the deeply buried poet in me loves the agony of that moment. Because the friend I left to go see ditched me for a guy. Oh the Irony.
8 Sarah almost falling into the river and Dad pulling her out.
9 Sarah hiding on the floor of the truck so no one would see her in the truck I was driving.
10 Sarah telling Paul a story about the shapes of clouds as we drove to the farm.
11 The Miclette Family and the things we have shared. And my missing shoes.
12 Finding out my personality type and understanding that there is a reason.
13 That night I had 7 cups of coffee and could not open the car door as I was too hyper
14 That night a friend called me out on stuff.  It was hard but a wake up call. And so glad he did.
15 The day I realized I was smart.  And that being smart was not just getting good grades in school.
16 The day I made it to Hamilton. The first day I got my stick shift car.  Sure the farm trucks were stick. But lets face it, my sister hid on the floor when I drove.
17 My first trip to the grocery store in Ontario alone.  You go to the store in Leader and then look at one in a city and then come talk to me.  You would be terrified too.
18 Camping.  Any time.  Except when it rained, and the back up plan failed. and coffee took two hours. That was bad.
19 That night at Port when Danielle's band played.  With candles.  yeah.
20 That night I realized I had to give up my kids. They were old enough and I needed to let them go. I cried. A lot.
21 Playing music. There are two times etched in my mind when the band I played with hit this amazing groove while jamming.  They were really really amazing jam sessions.  One was at least 16 years ago. It was that good.
22 knowing I can do ANY job. and most likely have.
23 being able to say no. and actually doing it.  Gives me a thrill.  I know. Its weird.
24 My dog. She had a great personality.
25 Driving across the country. Canada is beautiful. Just not at 5 AM
26 Braving winter, this morning I was thinking it wasn't so bad. I take it back.
27 Going on missions trips. Life changing.
28 Reviewing my friendships over this past year. Its been a year. And I have some pretty amazing friends. Who won't let me do this alone :)  You know who you are.
29 Kids.
30 Kids. That was an intentional repeat.
31 That year my friends let me pick the movie because it was my birthday.  They later regretted that decision.
32 I'm still here. I'm home. I am surrounded by people who love me. I'm happy. I have an iphone. I have a great summer lined up. I love my job. My family. My brother. Finding myself all over again. Love.

Thanks for being part of the journey.

When it all comes down to this.

So recently my life has taken a turn for, let's call it " did that just happen". 

It's a place. Look it up. 
It started 6 years ago. When this guy who chased me for 3 years finally scored a real date out of me. A year later we married. I noticed odd little things when we dated. He randomly would just get really impossible or silent and just, off.  It was winter. He hated his job. No biggie. That can give anyone the blues. I knew the guy for three years, i was not really worried. Then when we were engaged more stuff crept up. Weddings are stressful. Ask anyone. 
So about 6 months into the marriage. I knew. Something was wrong with my husband and best friend. We started the journey of dealing with mental illness. It's been a bumpy ride. One day to the next you never know who you are going to get or why. Why he was mad or was happy. What would set him off. What would calm him down. What made him blue or put him into a dark cloud. The bad days his eyes would go black. Some days you could just see the pain radiating through those eyes. And there is no cookie, cake or back rub that will fix it. Some days my old Ben would come back. Sometimes it would take weeks. My Ben would stick around for a bit. Never sure how long it would be so you soak up all the time you had. You never know when the black comes back. 
The meds helped. Over the years there was that 3-4 month sweet spot where there would be a couple weeks of my old Ben. And then he was gone. 
So. I worked. I worked a lot. Work I could control. Work I could understand. And work made money. 

Turns out in the end you spend all that time building and one last storm, can finish off 9 years in one final blast. 

5 months ago I realized this was no longer ok. Ben was not ok. I was not ok. We were not ok. I could work all the hours I could physically handle, shoulder every responsibility, require nothing of him save to just get through the day, and it still was not enough. It had to stop. 
When you are married just for the sake of staying together even though you know the marriage is killing your partner, what do you do? Do you offer yourself up on the proverbial chopping block? Keep fighting for something that died long ago? You are emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. There is no end in sight. What do you do? You have waited, begged, pleaded, stayed silent and waited some more. You have cried till the tears ran dry more times than you care to remember. But it does not change. I'm left confused, lost and exhausted.

 And suddenly. You know. 

That bad feeling you had is real. 

You lost...

Now what? 

 So, to be clear. Ben and I are no longer together. 

 Will not be getting back together. 

This did not happen because of Ben's mental health issues. I had other reasons for this, and yes, I do have a limit as to what I share online. This one is personal. 

What I am saying is Mental Illness did play a large part of our day to day lives. And I am including my side of this because in my search for help I have not seen many spouses post how they cope. I see a lot of spouses look for help when its too late.  When they are caught in the endless cycle. 

If you deal with a spouse who deals with depression, my heart goes out to you. Deal with it. It will not go away. Resentment will build, you will start to see your life slowly fade away.  It will happen so slowly you will not even see it coming. Meds and therapy. Do it.
Lots of therapy. 
Therapy for the caretaker spouse, depression leads to isolation. Which feels like rejection. You need to deal with that. Caretaker spouse, you need to keep your life, hobby and interests active. Broke people cannot help broke people. The depressed spouse needs therapy, meds help but the brain needs to be retrained on how to process social and life situations. Coping skills learnt. If kids involved, they need to understand that the depressed parent does love them. Address the issue, deal and move on.

 This is my new year creed. 

Address. Deal. Move on. 

Life is too short for any more wasted time. I would like to include a website I personally found helpful for myself. A lot of it is sad, its families dealing with depression. But if you are dealing with this, I recommend taking off the rose coloured glasses and address the situation. http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Article.aspx?a=153

I'm aware I'm cheesy, corny, and a little unbalanced. What is the alternative? I chose to see the amusing and weird side of life, just a little bit of spice. The alternative is too sad. Depressing. Pathetic. I'm not going to allow the crappy parts of my life to dictate where my future lies. Sure it's crappy. 

But sometimes it takes the crap to see how good the best is. 

My best is damn good, baby.