I've been back in Sask for a year.
I did not go insane.
I still have not sold the Ontario house
I still live in a basement
I caved and we have two cats.....sigh
I have multi colored hair again...mostly because I gave up hiding the white hair.....
I still don't have a kid...don't ask me why we would like one or two
Made new friends
Still talk to the old friends
Re-connected with old old friends.....behave maturely with old old friends.....meh.....
Changed jobs again
Collected more jobs....I had 5 at once again...what can I say.....
Decided that I am done with sales....yicky
Can sing again with out crying, though that one song on my going home road trip cd still makes me cry
Accepted things I cannot change and working on things that I can
Let some things go
Held onto the dream of things that I cannot let go of
Picked up a new instrument
Crossed off another item on my bucket list
Finally found a false nail solution that works for me.....hey this is important...especially when you no longer have a dishwasher!!
Really really cannot and should not play sports....we had blue balls hanging from the powerlines for weeks around here. What can I say.
Getting to know my family after a ten year hiatus.
Get to work with kids again.
Miss my teenagers like crazy
Wish I could work with teenagers again....and miss my "daughters"
Finding it odd that I am no longer the youngest or oldest but people are actually my age.
Here is to next year. Wonder what you will look like
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Saturday, August 13, 2011
one for the laugh bag
anyone who knows me knows numbers are my biggest strength. that and remembering my phone number and address. Overparticularily postal codes. At one address I used my license for a year or looked to whatever friend was with me to give the address as my FRIENDS knew it before I could remember. Sad I know.
Especially since mail came TO MY HOUSE in Ontario.
Good Ol Sask has PO boxes . Which as you can guess where this is going is numbers oh and the street names are all numbers and you guessed it the house is numbered too. Guess how many new numbers that is. and new phone numbers too. so when asked where I live...I point and describe the house...and most people get it here....cause small town
So when I go to get my mail....guess what happens. Yeah If someone was watching on camera they must be dying laughing. So I know the 4 numbers or i think I do. but I can ncver remember the order. So...I go to the wall where I remember the box being. and I start sticking the key in the locks. till a box opens. \
thas right.
earlier this week I discovered that my key opens not only my box but another persons
so if I have not sent you my address o=h dear friends....its because I have no bloody clue what my box number is and when I find the sheet with my address on it....well its a happy day and a half hour less time in getting my mail.
Especially since mail came TO MY HOUSE in Ontario.
Good Ol Sask has PO boxes . Which as you can guess where this is going is numbers oh and the street names are all numbers and you guessed it the house is numbered too. Guess how many new numbers that is. and new phone numbers too. so when asked where I live...I point and describe the house...and most people get it here....cause small town
So when I go to get my mail....guess what happens. Yeah If someone was watching on camera they must be dying laughing. So I know the 4 numbers or i think I do. but I can ncver remember the order. So...I go to the wall where I remember the box being. and I start sticking the key in the locks. till a box opens. \
thas right.
earlier this week I discovered that my key opens not only my box but another persons
so if I have not sent you my address o=h dear friends....its because I have no bloody clue what my box number is and when I find the sheet with my address on it....well its a happy day and a half hour less time in getting my mail.
Friday, August 12, 2011
I have decIided that
I will never be a real woman.
Maybe I am missing motherhood. Maybe that will fix the link in my brain. The thing that just makes me AH not able to have words or say things that are interesting. Like I think I fit in Sask because deep down, I'm boring. and blah. I'm BLAH. Maybe. Maybe I have accepted who I am and given up on improvement. I made it this far and I'm done. Deal with it. Maybe.
I have a friend, ok a couple friends who blog and journal like no ones business. like boxes of journals.And I try, cause it looks cool and good for processing and ok I HAVE NO FREEEEEKIN IDEA WHY PEOPLE JOURNAL!!!! I went trough my old diaries and shredded them, ok the one or two pages I managed to actually write down. Shredded. I was like WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHY ARE THEY SO RETARDED!!!! WHO wants to remember the RETARDED GOOOO that comes from a 13 year old's brain? BLEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
And I cannot make my writing look good....
I CANNOT control my hand and my penmanship lasts for a half a page and then I get so mad at the mess I just throw it away. I think there are just some people who are not bloggers. And I am one of them. I will settle to spur on bloggers. I blog...mainly because when I am face to face with people what I actually want to say NEVER comes out right so I correct my verbal diarrhea with emails and texts. like who does that? Um Becky we just hung out for an hour and I get home to an email explaining our conversation. whats up with that. and you may be reading this and think...I never got that email....thats because I realized how SILLY that was and did not send it! BUT I have scads of unsent emails floating around....sigh.....See. I will never be a proper woman. I am unfit for the masses. I may be 30 but I am no woman. I am not a girl. I am not a lady. I have created a new gender. Its called Becky.
I feel I have blogged about this a few times and I need to think about this. and I need to eat food. and not be a woman
Maybe I am missing motherhood. Maybe that will fix the link in my brain. The thing that just makes me AH not able to have words or say things that are interesting. Like I think I fit in Sask because deep down, I'm boring. and blah. I'm BLAH. Maybe. Maybe I have accepted who I am and given up on improvement. I made it this far and I'm done. Deal with it. Maybe.
I have a friend, ok a couple friends who blog and journal like no ones business. like boxes of journals.And I try, cause it looks cool and good for processing and ok I HAVE NO FREEEEEKIN IDEA WHY PEOPLE JOURNAL!!!! I went trough my old diaries and shredded them, ok the one or two pages I managed to actually write down. Shredded. I was like WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHY ARE THEY SO RETARDED!!!! WHO wants to remember the RETARDED GOOOO that comes from a 13 year old's brain? BLEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
And I cannot make my writing look good....
I CANNOT control my hand and my penmanship lasts for a half a page and then I get so mad at the mess I just throw it away. I think there are just some people who are not bloggers. And I am one of them. I will settle to spur on bloggers. I blog...mainly because when I am face to face with people what I actually want to say NEVER comes out right so I correct my verbal diarrhea with emails and texts. like who does that? Um Becky we just hung out for an hour and I get home to an email explaining our conversation. whats up with that. and you may be reading this and think...I never got that email....thats because I realized how SILLY that was and did not send it! BUT I have scads of unsent emails floating around....sigh.....See. I will never be a proper woman. I am unfit for the masses. I may be 30 but I am no woman. I am not a girl. I am not a lady. I have created a new gender. Its called Becky.
I feel I have blogged about this a few times and I need to think about this. and I need to eat food. and not be a woman
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Not finished yet
So, recently I have been privileged with a Bible study group that is, well people in my age group, that I am not mentoring, that I am not trying to avoid, that I am not leading, that I am in no way helping with and (I love my teenagers more than they will know) but NO TEENAGERS. Do you know how long it has been since I have had the joint concoction of all the above? 10 years!!!
Not healthy. May I say, if you are in leadership or are in a place of helping people, you need to find a place where your soul is ministered to, otherwise. You become Becky. And no one wants to be that. Not even Becky.
So here are my thoughts recently on well me.
I'm not finished.
I have not been completed.
I thought for a while that I was done. This it. Now I am just going to coast now, I have done it all and I am done and now I just sit around and let the dust settle. No more adventures, no more thrilling life, no more just going for it. Its done and now I just hang on the wall like a pretty landscape painting. Not particularly eye catching, not too unpleasant. Just good enough to be called art but not enough to be hung over the fireplace.
That is where I was.
But I'm not finished.
The artist has started, the drawing is in place, the lines are laid out, the colors are coming to place, you can see the beginnings of a grand work. The artist has laid the painting aside, collecting thoughts and working out the flow, processing the completion. But now is ready to continue and finish this one and make it worthy of the fireplace.
So my dear friends. Do you feel like a paint by number landscape hiding in the closet, covered in dust and forgotten? Don't!
Remember your master painter has a plan and don't fade away.
You are over the fireplace material. Its just a process. Allow it and allow yourself to be the canvas.
How's that for cheese ball?
Yeah, but (take a deep breath as I can do that now) I like the looks of that spot over the mantle.
Not healthy. May I say, if you are in leadership or are in a place of helping people, you need to find a place where your soul is ministered to, otherwise. You become Becky. And no one wants to be that. Not even Becky.
So here are my thoughts recently on well me.
I'm not finished.
I have not been completed.
I thought for a while that I was done. This it. Now I am just going to coast now, I have done it all and I am done and now I just sit around and let the dust settle. No more adventures, no more thrilling life, no more just going for it. Its done and now I just hang on the wall like a pretty landscape painting. Not particularly eye catching, not too unpleasant. Just good enough to be called art but not enough to be hung over the fireplace.
That is where I was.
But I'm not finished.
The artist has started, the drawing is in place, the lines are laid out, the colors are coming to place, you can see the beginnings of a grand work. The artist has laid the painting aside, collecting thoughts and working out the flow, processing the completion. But now is ready to continue and finish this one and make it worthy of the fireplace.
So my dear friends. Do you feel like a paint by number landscape hiding in the closet, covered in dust and forgotten? Don't!
Remember your master painter has a plan and don't fade away.
You are over the fireplace material. Its just a process. Allow it and allow yourself to be the canvas.
How's that for cheese ball?
Yeah, but (take a deep breath as I can do that now) I like the looks of that spot over the mantle.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Good good life
So now that the decision is made and things are rolling along the freaking out has cleared. slightly.
I'm still going to freak out, its just not me with out a spas or two. But at least I know I do this. I am reminded of a line from a veggie tale movie "my mother was a worm and my father a caterpillar, but I am ok with that now." I cannot change who I am, but make who I am work for who I want to become.
So, I now have one job. Very exciting. Ok I will have one job for maybe two weeks. Then my new jobs start, but they are significantly lower stress than my current jobs. Which is awesome. I liked my current jobs, but I am ready to enjoy life and put less attention on working.
I'm still going to freak out, its just not me with out a spas or two. But at least I know I do this. I am reminded of a line from a veggie tale movie "my mother was a worm and my father a caterpillar, but I am ok with that now." I cannot change who I am, but make who I am work for who I want to become.
So, I now have one job. Very exciting. Ok I will have one job for maybe two weeks. Then my new jobs start, but they are significantly lower stress than my current jobs. Which is awesome. I liked my current jobs, but I am ready to enjoy life and put less attention on working.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
the kitchen table
I have had this fabulous kitchen table.
I love it.
Sadly I don't use it much.
I do like to look at it though , every morning I walk past it and think how much I love it and wish I spent more time using it.
Lately I have been. There is just something about a kitchen table. And having a great view to both the front door and the TV all from one seat.
So a friend asked how the packing was going. I've been puttering away...had a great throwing stuff away session with another great friend who knows how to cut out the things you will never look at again.
But, I have a long way to go.
How is the packing going?
This was my process when we started to think about moving.
Meh, you know we don't have that much stuff. I am pretty good about throwing away junk and we don't have THAT much stuff. Should be a breeze. I've done this so many times. Easy.
Incidentally, I was talking to a moving company about quotes. I told him we just needed someone to drive the truck we would load and unload, and pack. Not that big a deal. He went on to explain that I really should not do that. For a move like that I needed a professional mover to really pack things right, you don't just put things in the truck and drive away.(really, what do you do?) Now, to be fair he had no idea how much moving I had done and that this was in fact my um....5th packing for a cross Canada move, (5 being mine, family and friends who I have assisted in the packing and moving and shipping process, dude, I'm a pro) Before I laid into him, he did ask if I had also been drinking that day as it was Friday and he always has a few on Friday, and every other work day. 1. If I just want a truck and driver quote, do what I ask. 2. Don't tell a potential customer you are currently drinking on the job.
So as the looming decision to move neared, I started to take stalk again. There is a lot of stuff I just don't like, grew out of love with and generally don't need. Begin garage sale pile. There is too much stuff in this house, oh well future Becky can deal with it.
Three weeks away from the move. I walk through the house daily, examine each pile. Freak out about how much stuff we still need to get ride of and sell, and wander some more. I pack a box or two and move to the designated packed box room. Then examine that room as the room becomes smaller and smaller and there is so much more to pack. Then I wander the house and freak out more.
one less freak out session for me, finalizing jobs in sask is looking pretty good. Whew.....
I know everything will come together in the end it always does. But how boring would the process be without a little freak out and calming down?
The kitchen table made the cut, its coming with. The coffee maker however did not. He was added to the garage sale pile. See ya Henry. I am hoping to replace you with a nice silver Gerrardo in the future.
I love it.
Sadly I don't use it much.
I do like to look at it though , every morning I walk past it and think how much I love it and wish I spent more time using it.
Lately I have been. There is just something about a kitchen table. And having a great view to both the front door and the TV all from one seat.
So a friend asked how the packing was going. I've been puttering away...had a great throwing stuff away session with another great friend who knows how to cut out the things you will never look at again.
But, I have a long way to go.
How is the packing going?
This was my process when we started to think about moving.
Meh, you know we don't have that much stuff. I am pretty good about throwing away junk and we don't have THAT much stuff. Should be a breeze. I've done this so many times. Easy.
Incidentally, I was talking to a moving company about quotes. I told him we just needed someone to drive the truck we would load and unload, and pack. Not that big a deal. He went on to explain that I really should not do that. For a move like that I needed a professional mover to really pack things right, you don't just put things in the truck and drive away.(really, what do you do?) Now, to be fair he had no idea how much moving I had done and that this was in fact my um....5th packing for a cross Canada move, (5 being mine, family and friends who I have assisted in the packing and moving and shipping process, dude, I'm a pro) Before I laid into him, he did ask if I had also been drinking that day as it was Friday and he always has a few on Friday, and every other work day. 1. If I just want a truck and driver quote, do what I ask. 2. Don't tell a potential customer you are currently drinking on the job.
So as the looming decision to move neared, I started to take stalk again. There is a lot of stuff I just don't like, grew out of love with and generally don't need. Begin garage sale pile. There is too much stuff in this house, oh well future Becky can deal with it.
Three weeks away from the move. I walk through the house daily, examine each pile. Freak out about how much stuff we still need to get ride of and sell, and wander some more. I pack a box or two and move to the designated packed box room. Then examine that room as the room becomes smaller and smaller and there is so much more to pack. Then I wander the house and freak out more.
one less freak out session for me, finalizing jobs in sask is looking pretty good. Whew.....
I know everything will come together in the end it always does. But how boring would the process be without a little freak out and calming down?
The kitchen table made the cut, its coming with. The coffee maker however did not. He was added to the garage sale pile. See ya Henry. I am hoping to replace you with a nice silver Gerrardo in the future.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Home is where your story begins
Its 4 am and I am laying awake and wishing. Its the worst time to wish. Its the obsessing hour. You change things in your mind to be what you want them to be and then come up with a solution. And a way to make those solutions a reality. Sometimes there is no solution. There is only obsession.
So as I lay here obsessing, what can I do?
So I am now 30. Current child 0 current husband 1 current cat 1. Not really the way I thought things would be 10 years ago. I find it very ironic that those who want kids just can't seem to have them and those that never really planned on it get them o so easily. The when are you having kids question is getting old. I don't know. Appaerntly its a process. Its just one more thing life has thrown at me to screw with me. I mean sure I can drive stick in the city now and got married to the only man alive who gets me and I got my fireplace and dishwasher and apparently can rock any job (who are we kidding I'm just plain awesome) I even moved up to full out professional status and got a blackberry. But, its not enough. Maybe its my upbringing, maybe the daily goal setting regiment screwed me for life. I can't help it I want more. I need a change. I find myself caught in a whirlwind and I want to jump out. I feel like saying rides over. I jump off and try a new one. Is that normal? My life has been a quest for normalcy and I have hit it once or twice. But this is just not working. I'm tired of making the puzzle pieces fit. I'm lying to myself and making myself believe I belong here. So many good things are in my life. But I can't just find that I'm home feeling. It left a while ago. I don't know why. But I don't like unsettled much. So I've waited and prayed and waited and been faithful and waited. And waited. And then home. I'm going home. Its such relief and alternating terror. But its home. And I think its what I need most of all. Go home and take who I have become from 20 to 30 and let that person who I really am finally rest. And rock the next chapter of my life. So ontario its been a slice. But home is calling. And its well home. And I think I deserve the chance to truly be home. Finally.
So as I lay here obsessing, what can I do?
So I am now 30. Current child 0 current husband 1 current cat 1. Not really the way I thought things would be 10 years ago. I find it very ironic that those who want kids just can't seem to have them and those that never really planned on it get them o so easily. The when are you having kids question is getting old. I don't know. Appaerntly its a process. Its just one more thing life has thrown at me to screw with me. I mean sure I can drive stick in the city now and got married to the only man alive who gets me and I got my fireplace and dishwasher and apparently can rock any job (who are we kidding I'm just plain awesome) I even moved up to full out professional status and got a blackberry. But, its not enough. Maybe its my upbringing, maybe the daily goal setting regiment screwed me for life. I can't help it I want more. I need a change. I find myself caught in a whirlwind and I want to jump out. I feel like saying rides over. I jump off and try a new one. Is that normal? My life has been a quest for normalcy and I have hit it once or twice. But this is just not working. I'm tired of making the puzzle pieces fit. I'm lying to myself and making myself believe I belong here. So many good things are in my life. But I can't just find that I'm home feeling. It left a while ago. I don't know why. But I don't like unsettled much. So I've waited and prayed and waited and been faithful and waited. And waited. And then home. I'm going home. Its such relief and alternating terror. But its home. And I think its what I need most of all. Go home and take who I have become from 20 to 30 and let that person who I really am finally rest. And rock the next chapter of my life. So ontario its been a slice. But home is calling. And its well home. And I think I deserve the chance to truly be home. Finally.
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