So now that the decision is made and things are rolling along the freaking out has cleared. slightly.
I'm still going to freak out, its just not me with out a spas or two. But at least I know I do this. I am reminded of a line from a veggie tale movie "my mother was a worm and my father a caterpillar, but I am ok with that now." I cannot change who I am, but make who I am work for who I want to become.
So, I now have one job. Very exciting. Ok I will have one job for maybe two weeks. Then my new jobs start, but they are significantly lower stress than my current jobs. Which is awesome. I liked my current jobs, but I am ready to enjoy life and put less attention on working.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
the kitchen table
I have had this fabulous kitchen table.
I love it.
Sadly I don't use it much.
I do like to look at it though , every morning I walk past it and think how much I love it and wish I spent more time using it.
Lately I have been. There is just something about a kitchen table. And having a great view to both the front door and the TV all from one seat.
So a friend asked how the packing was going. I've been puttering away...had a great throwing stuff away session with another great friend who knows how to cut out the things you will never look at again.
But, I have a long way to go.
How is the packing going?
This was my process when we started to think about moving.
Meh, you know we don't have that much stuff. I am pretty good about throwing away junk and we don't have THAT much stuff. Should be a breeze. I've done this so many times. Easy.
Incidentally, I was talking to a moving company about quotes. I told him we just needed someone to drive the truck we would load and unload, and pack. Not that big a deal. He went on to explain that I really should not do that. For a move like that I needed a professional mover to really pack things right, you don't just put things in the truck and drive away.(really, what do you do?) Now, to be fair he had no idea how much moving I had done and that this was in fact my um....5th packing for a cross Canada move, (5 being mine, family and friends who I have assisted in the packing and moving and shipping process, dude, I'm a pro) Before I laid into him, he did ask if I had also been drinking that day as it was Friday and he always has a few on Friday, and every other work day. 1. If I just want a truck and driver quote, do what I ask. 2. Don't tell a potential customer you are currently drinking on the job.
So as the looming decision to move neared, I started to take stalk again. There is a lot of stuff I just don't like, grew out of love with and generally don't need. Begin garage sale pile. There is too much stuff in this house, oh well future Becky can deal with it.
Three weeks away from the move. I walk through the house daily, examine each pile. Freak out about how much stuff we still need to get ride of and sell, and wander some more. I pack a box or two and move to the designated packed box room. Then examine that room as the room becomes smaller and smaller and there is so much more to pack. Then I wander the house and freak out more.
one less freak out session for me, finalizing jobs in sask is looking pretty good. Whew.....
I know everything will come together in the end it always does. But how boring would the process be without a little freak out and calming down?
The kitchen table made the cut, its coming with. The coffee maker however did not. He was added to the garage sale pile. See ya Henry. I am hoping to replace you with a nice silver Gerrardo in the future.
I love it.
Sadly I don't use it much.
I do like to look at it though , every morning I walk past it and think how much I love it and wish I spent more time using it.
Lately I have been. There is just something about a kitchen table. And having a great view to both the front door and the TV all from one seat.
So a friend asked how the packing was going. I've been puttering away...had a great throwing stuff away session with another great friend who knows how to cut out the things you will never look at again.
But, I have a long way to go.
How is the packing going?
This was my process when we started to think about moving.
Meh, you know we don't have that much stuff. I am pretty good about throwing away junk and we don't have THAT much stuff. Should be a breeze. I've done this so many times. Easy.
Incidentally, I was talking to a moving company about quotes. I told him we just needed someone to drive the truck we would load and unload, and pack. Not that big a deal. He went on to explain that I really should not do that. For a move like that I needed a professional mover to really pack things right, you don't just put things in the truck and drive away.(really, what do you do?) Now, to be fair he had no idea how much moving I had done and that this was in fact my um....5th packing for a cross Canada move, (5 being mine, family and friends who I have assisted in the packing and moving and shipping process, dude, I'm a pro) Before I laid into him, he did ask if I had also been drinking that day as it was Friday and he always has a few on Friday, and every other work day. 1. If I just want a truck and driver quote, do what I ask. 2. Don't tell a potential customer you are currently drinking on the job.
So as the looming decision to move neared, I started to take stalk again. There is a lot of stuff I just don't like, grew out of love with and generally don't need. Begin garage sale pile. There is too much stuff in this house, oh well future Becky can deal with it.
Three weeks away from the move. I walk through the house daily, examine each pile. Freak out about how much stuff we still need to get ride of and sell, and wander some more. I pack a box or two and move to the designated packed box room. Then examine that room as the room becomes smaller and smaller and there is so much more to pack. Then I wander the house and freak out more.
one less freak out session for me, finalizing jobs in sask is looking pretty good. Whew.....
I know everything will come together in the end it always does. But how boring would the process be without a little freak out and calming down?
The kitchen table made the cut, its coming with. The coffee maker however did not. He was added to the garage sale pile. See ya Henry. I am hoping to replace you with a nice silver Gerrardo in the future.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Home is where your story begins
Its 4 am and I am laying awake and wishing. Its the worst time to wish. Its the obsessing hour. You change things in your mind to be what you want them to be and then come up with a solution. And a way to make those solutions a reality. Sometimes there is no solution. There is only obsession.
So as I lay here obsessing, what can I do?
So I am now 30. Current child 0 current husband 1 current cat 1. Not really the way I thought things would be 10 years ago. I find it very ironic that those who want kids just can't seem to have them and those that never really planned on it get them o so easily. The when are you having kids question is getting old. I don't know. Appaerntly its a process. Its just one more thing life has thrown at me to screw with me. I mean sure I can drive stick in the city now and got married to the only man alive who gets me and I got my fireplace and dishwasher and apparently can rock any job (who are we kidding I'm just plain awesome) I even moved up to full out professional status and got a blackberry. But, its not enough. Maybe its my upbringing, maybe the daily goal setting regiment screwed me for life. I can't help it I want more. I need a change. I find myself caught in a whirlwind and I want to jump out. I feel like saying rides over. I jump off and try a new one. Is that normal? My life has been a quest for normalcy and I have hit it once or twice. But this is just not working. I'm tired of making the puzzle pieces fit. I'm lying to myself and making myself believe I belong here. So many good things are in my life. But I can't just find that I'm home feeling. It left a while ago. I don't know why. But I don't like unsettled much. So I've waited and prayed and waited and been faithful and waited. And waited. And then home. I'm going home. Its such relief and alternating terror. But its home. And I think its what I need most of all. Go home and take who I have become from 20 to 30 and let that person who I really am finally rest. And rock the next chapter of my life. So ontario its been a slice. But home is calling. And its well home. And I think I deserve the chance to truly be home. Finally.
So as I lay here obsessing, what can I do?
So I am now 30. Current child 0 current husband 1 current cat 1. Not really the way I thought things would be 10 years ago. I find it very ironic that those who want kids just can't seem to have them and those that never really planned on it get them o so easily. The when are you having kids question is getting old. I don't know. Appaerntly its a process. Its just one more thing life has thrown at me to screw with me. I mean sure I can drive stick in the city now and got married to the only man alive who gets me and I got my fireplace and dishwasher and apparently can rock any job (who are we kidding I'm just plain awesome) I even moved up to full out professional status and got a blackberry. But, its not enough. Maybe its my upbringing, maybe the daily goal setting regiment screwed me for life. I can't help it I want more. I need a change. I find myself caught in a whirlwind and I want to jump out. I feel like saying rides over. I jump off and try a new one. Is that normal? My life has been a quest for normalcy and I have hit it once or twice. But this is just not working. I'm tired of making the puzzle pieces fit. I'm lying to myself and making myself believe I belong here. So many good things are in my life. But I can't just find that I'm home feeling. It left a while ago. I don't know why. But I don't like unsettled much. So I've waited and prayed and waited and been faithful and waited. And waited. And then home. I'm going home. Its such relief and alternating terror. But its home. And I think its what I need most of all. Go home and take who I have become from 20 to 30 and let that person who I really am finally rest. And rock the next chapter of my life. So ontario its been a slice. But home is calling. And its well home. And I think I deserve the chance to truly be home. Finally.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Center Stage
As many know I have been behind, under, hidden in and above the stage in I think every one but 2 of the productions at NCC for the past 9ish years.
During that time I was a cast member once. I had one line. I could not figure out for the life of me how to not sound like moron when I said my one line. I blame the line. For that performance I played the role of the Egyptian Princess who adopted baby Moses. She may have been mentioned by name but I forget it. I rode bare back in a skirt, in the church, down the aisle in the dark, with a spot light on me and the very nervous horse that was also pregnant at the time, WHILE holding a REAL LIVE NEW BORN BABY. Somehow the fact that I sounded like a moron was the LEAST of my concerns. I stuck to the behind the scenes stuff after that. But every night I would kinda think...could I have pulled off the on stage performance as well?
The other night it dawned on me. I have been on the stage before. DUH
Heaven's Gates Hells Flames came to Kindersley and I can't remember the year. But I do remember I got to play a rebel. I used an old Barbi bracelet as a nose ring and crimped my hair and teased it to a glorious height, I used some form of coloring devise to streak it blue and green, put dark make up on and the most rebel clothing I owned. I was a party girl. It was my first stage experience I think. I mean I have forgotten completely that I had been on stage so who knows lol I may have acted before.
And then there was was Maritza Zitzen Baroness Von Blitzen in our highschool dinner theatre. The dress I wore for that performance had been around. My aunt, the one I get my funky shoes from, had this black long dress. It was dynamite. It was in our play house for years. I pulled it out for the show. And fell in love with it. I wore it as Maritza Zitzen. I wore it to WIBI. I wore it to work in my brief experience as a sales person for that print shop that went out of business one day. A good buddy of mine wore it for his performance as Celine Dione at my sisters grad. I wore it for a bridesmaid dress at Tammy's wedding. I wore it to a WIBI banquet. All in all, that dress probably got about 30 years play. Then one day. It was gone. I think I let it rest in peace. It deserved it. But some days I think about that dress....clearly remembering it more than my acting career.
During that time I was a cast member once. I had one line. I could not figure out for the life of me how to not sound like moron when I said my one line. I blame the line. For that performance I played the role of the Egyptian Princess who adopted baby Moses. She may have been mentioned by name but I forget it. I rode bare back in a skirt, in the church, down the aisle in the dark, with a spot light on me and the very nervous horse that was also pregnant at the time, WHILE holding a REAL LIVE NEW BORN BABY. Somehow the fact that I sounded like a moron was the LEAST of my concerns. I stuck to the behind the scenes stuff after that. But every night I would kinda think...could I have pulled off the on stage performance as well?
The other night it dawned on me. I have been on the stage before. DUH
Heaven's Gates Hells Flames came to Kindersley and I can't remember the year. But I do remember I got to play a rebel. I used an old Barbi bracelet as a nose ring and crimped my hair and teased it to a glorious height, I used some form of coloring devise to streak it blue and green, put dark make up on and the most rebel clothing I owned. I was a party girl. It was my first stage experience I think. I mean I have forgotten completely that I had been on stage so who knows lol I may have acted before.
And then there was was Maritza Zitzen Baroness Von Blitzen in our highschool dinner theatre. The dress I wore for that performance had been around. My aunt, the one I get my funky shoes from, had this black long dress. It was dynamite. It was in our play house for years. I pulled it out for the show. And fell in love with it. I wore it as Maritza Zitzen. I wore it to WIBI. I wore it to work in my brief experience as a sales person for that print shop that went out of business one day. A good buddy of mine wore it for his performance as Celine Dione at my sisters grad. I wore it for a bridesmaid dress at Tammy's wedding. I wore it to a WIBI banquet. All in all, that dress probably got about 30 years play. Then one day. It was gone. I think I let it rest in peace. It deserved it. But some days I think about that dress....clearly remembering it more than my acting career.
Monday, January 10, 2011
so it begins...
So on this the eve of my 30th birthday I would like to share the top 30 moments of my life
Top 30 moments of my life.....30 being best of course...and in no order of age.
1. Falling off the cliff wall at the gorge and landing in a tree. Note to self free climbing is painful.
2. My mom returning my dog to my care after 3 years of being dogless.
3. Landing a job on pure strength of character.
4. Buying my first TV.
5. My first away from Mom clothes shopping purchase, in Texas. It was a one piece short set type outfit with blue flowers...shoulda gotten the jean dress instead lol.
6. Driving from the house to the farm and not stalling the truck.
7. Watching my sister sit on the floor of the truck so no one would see her with me lol.
8. Listening to Sarah tell Paul stories she made up based on the shapes of the clouds.
9. Flying down the dirt road with no helmet on, hair flying in the wind on the dirt bike.
10. Picking dead bugs out of my hair.
11. Looking behind my tractor and seeing the perfectly plowed field behind me.
12. That year my farmers tan lasted till January.
13. The first 1,000 hours I logged on the garden tractor.
14. That wicked nasty bruise I got from my first attempt at water skiing. Also lasted till January.
15. All the crazy stuff being friends with Tammara throws your way lol.
16. Dad pulling Sarah out of the river cause she fell in walking on the edge of the sandbar.
17. Field trip days with Dad.
18. My first trip to the beach which was also my first trip on the QEW which was also done with a donut as my tire was flat, while my friends were yelling at me to drive faster. wow
19. My first trip to the falls, I may have gushed. No one ever came home dry from a trip to the falls with me and my car always smelt like the falls lol
20. My 20th surprise party and hiding in the closet with Tammy.
21. Chocolate and Milk with Tammy in numerous closets hiding from an equally numerous amounts of roommates.
22. Pizza and movies with Franziska.
23. That day when a water fight broke out while doing dishes and I slipped on the bubbles on the floor and flew across the apartment, landed on my back in the coat closet with shattered glass and bubbles all over me.
24. Attempting to pick a fight with Ben just to win, yeah he saw through that and I still lost. sigh
25. That night I had WAY too much coffee and could not get the car door open.
26.Driving El to the hospital the night Shalisha was born.
27. My kids.
28. That first time Ben and I pretended to date and I told him he better not fall for me.
29. Ben bought ice cream treats for my birthday without nuts on them so we would not make a mess of my clean living room.
30 Tomorrow and what the next 30 brings.
Top 30 moments of my life.....30 being best of course...and in no order of age.
1. Falling off the cliff wall at the gorge and landing in a tree. Note to self free climbing is painful.
2. My mom returning my dog to my care after 3 years of being dogless.
3. Landing a job on pure strength of character.
4. Buying my first TV.
5. My first away from Mom clothes shopping purchase, in Texas. It was a one piece short set type outfit with blue flowers...shoulda gotten the jean dress instead lol.
6. Driving from the house to the farm and not stalling the truck.
7. Watching my sister sit on the floor of the truck so no one would see her with me lol.
8. Listening to Sarah tell Paul stories she made up based on the shapes of the clouds.
9. Flying down the dirt road with no helmet on, hair flying in the wind on the dirt bike.
10. Picking dead bugs out of my hair.
11. Looking behind my tractor and seeing the perfectly plowed field behind me.
12. That year my farmers tan lasted till January.
13. The first 1,000 hours I logged on the garden tractor.
14. That wicked nasty bruise I got from my first attempt at water skiing. Also lasted till January.
15. All the crazy stuff being friends with Tammara throws your way lol.
16. Dad pulling Sarah out of the river cause she fell in walking on the edge of the sandbar.
17. Field trip days with Dad.
18. My first trip to the beach which was also my first trip on the QEW which was also done with a donut as my tire was flat, while my friends were yelling at me to drive faster. wow
19. My first trip to the falls, I may have gushed. No one ever came home dry from a trip to the falls with me and my car always smelt like the falls lol
20. My 20th surprise party and hiding in the closet with Tammy.
21. Chocolate and Milk with Tammy in numerous closets hiding from an equally numerous amounts of roommates.
22. Pizza and movies with Franziska.
23. That day when a water fight broke out while doing dishes and I slipped on the bubbles on the floor and flew across the apartment, landed on my back in the coat closet with shattered glass and bubbles all over me.
24. Attempting to pick a fight with Ben just to win, yeah he saw through that and I still lost. sigh
25. That night I had WAY too much coffee and could not get the car door open.
26.Driving El to the hospital the night Shalisha was born.
27. My kids.
28. That first time Ben and I pretended to date and I told him he better not fall for me.
29. Ben bought ice cream treats for my birthday without nuts on them so we would not make a mess of my clean living room.
30 Tomorrow and what the next 30 brings.
Monday, October 25, 2010
My list
Thanksgiving was a few weeks ago.
So this does not count. But here is my thankful and unthankful list if you would.
Thankful for.....
stick shift cars
method dishwasher soap, that stuff is incredible
Pumpkin spice latte and drive through attendants that get being brain dead
venting to someone who knows how you feel and can interpret what you cannot say
drive through
my bosses
my jobs
the painful, agonizing Christmas production and the friendship it produces
Campfires
my bed
that my mom taught me to bake bread
perogies
Babysitting Owen, he comes with veggie tale movies, ok he's cute too
Nursery kids, particularly the ones who have no reaction when you say hi.
my kids, young and old
sour cream
glade plug ins
electronic mouse chaser awayers
google
auto spell check
white boards
watching my kids grow up and become functioning adults
So this does not count. But here is my thankful and unthankful list if you would.
Thankful for.....
stick shift cars
method dishwasher soap, that stuff is incredible
Pumpkin spice latte and drive through attendants that get being brain dead
venting to someone who knows how you feel and can interpret what you cannot say
drive through
my bosses
my jobs
the painful, agonizing Christmas production and the friendship it produces
Campfires
my bed
that my mom taught me to bake bread
perogies
Babysitting Owen, he comes with veggie tale movies, ok he's cute too
Nursery kids, particularly the ones who have no reaction when you say hi.
my kids, young and old
sour cream
glade plug ins
electronic mouse chaser awayers
auto spell check
white boards
watching my kids grow up and become functioning adults
Monday, October 4, 2010
it all started when
There is a song I know from a clown movie....
Its stuck with me.
Goes like this.
Why do I do the things I do and who do I do them for?
I remind my self of this when I am doing things I REALLY don't like doing.
I ask myself, why am I doing this?
If I really can't find a good reason. I stop. ok in my head i stop and slowly my body is learning to stop too
If the reason for doing something and the one I am doing it for outweighs the ick of the current task at hand....well I'm all over it like oil paint on acrylic nails.
Cause at the end of the day.....unto the Lord and not to men.
Its stuck with me.
Goes like this.
Why do I do the things I do and who do I do them for?
I remind my self of this when I am doing things I REALLY don't like doing.
I ask myself, why am I doing this?
If I really can't find a good reason. I stop. ok in my head i stop and slowly my body is learning to stop too
If the reason for doing something and the one I am doing it for outweighs the ick of the current task at hand....well I'm all over it like oil paint on acrylic nails.
Cause at the end of the day.....unto the Lord and not to men.
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