The ranch.

Every single place I've lived I've grown things. 

Even the apartment.  It's just something I've done. Second nature. 

Could be that I got used to grandma bringing over mountains of produce from her garden. Or raiding moms garden as a kid.  Or the fields of potatoes we grew at the farm. Either way. It's in my blood. 

I've always dreamt of a huge garden. 

After 17 years it's finally become a reality. 

My current garden is 9,000sq ft.  Basically I do a jar of pickles a day. Choke down the feeling of terror when I think about harvesting those potatoes. And then just walk around with glee checking out the food I grew. 

I don't usually like cooking.  I do however love fresh produce.  Like fresh as in I picked it this morning and I'm eating it for supper. The colors are so bright. The flavour out is this world, and it smells, healthy, real and to die for. I can't help but imagine my ancestors and the prairie pioneers making the food I'm making and  I feel, connected to my roots, grounded. 

It brings out the super creative side of me and I think up all these amazing ideas. Which I usually have to put on the shelf. But, I don't anymore.  

I have a chance to make my love of gardening and growing things into a real business. Something I've always been passionate about. And something I actually love for a change. And something I can make a little money on, cause j really don't want to go back to an office job.  

I'm going to make teas and flours, and grow things. Im going to make cheese. I'm going to be an artisan hippie. 

And one day you will arrive at our farm and a flock of goats will greet you, the peacocks will squak at you, Blister the donkey will throw his water pail out of his pen at you because he wants attention too, and in the distance you will see the zebra, running with the horses.   I'll be walking around the house pulling off my gloves and hand you a carrot fresh from the ground.  And we will sit in the shade surrounded by plants and flowers and sip cold herbal tea I dried yesterday while we snack on frwsh home grown bread and butter, you will leave with your car loaded with fresh garden goodness and I will go back to work, getting Blister more water. 

I feel left out

That's what my step daughter said as she negotiated herself to sleep tonight. 

She would feel less left out if she has a sister to share her room. But not a brother. He has the other room.  But really. When is my sister going to get here she asks. 

I don't know 

I'm running out of things to tell her 

I'm running out of things to tell me. 

Kendall says don't get bitter. 

 Easier said than done. 

At least I'm saving money on birth control 

Right? 

In review

I don't do resolutions. 

I do like looking back and looking forward. 

What is new, what do I want to hang on to, what do I want to let go of. 

What did I like what can I change 

This year is going to be a new kind of fun and terrifying for me. More on that later.  

But now, since I don't do Christmas cards (I had a car accident sick kid inventory store change over and then actual Christmas to deal with, we're lucky we all remained in clean clothes) here is an update on the Siemens. And yes. It's on Facebook.  And no. I'm not going to mail it. 

No you can't have another cookie 

And yes we can play barbie later 

Wait. Wrong conversation.  

Ok last New Years we were driving back from Florida. We visited Jocelyn.

We returned home to finish potty training the puppy Sophie.

We had just finished painting and sanding down the kitchen and staining. Ok Kendall did most of that. I was at work. 

We then began negotiations on kitchen lighting, paint colours, tile colours, cows, chickens, pigs, who was going to let Sophie in and who's turn it was to fill the car with gas. I ended up learning how to work the farm tanks.  We got pigs and chickens. Sophie has us all trained to let her in. 

I finally took the nail technician course. My dream come true!!!! 

Kendall introduced me to minecraft. 

Spring brought changes, our roommate moved out, Sophie preferred to be outside, and the " there is going to be a child in this house " preparations began.  A six year old needs stuff to play with. 

Seeding began.  I had to cook again. Kendall does most of the winter food around here. He's good and doesn't burn stuff. 

Jocelyn arrived in June.  The chickens and pigs arrived shortly before Jocelyn.  The cows and their babies arrived just before all that started.  It was busy.   And so began play dates, stuffies, bed time stories and proof that I could stick to a schedule. Sophie got ticks in droves, we had a daily tick removal session. 

Summer came to a close and it was decided Jocelyn was going to start school in Canada.  

Up this this point, everything was temporary.  But. I wanted her to feel settled. So.  The house got rearranged.  Jocelyn got more stuff.  Her room got organized. We wrote out schedules. Timed pick up and drop off.  Registered for school.  Gymnastics. And then. Back to school shopping.  Lunch box back pack.  School supply lists. Nailed it. And then called grandma for back up cause all that stuff had to be labeled?!?!? 

Life changed. A bit

Kendall moved on to Starcraft 

Sophie got shaved. 

We only mixed up lunch days once. 

And apparently kids do grow, and fast.  And you have to change clothing sizes.  

My worst fear was if she got sick, would I know what to do? 

Daddy remained perfectly calm while step mom had her freak out sessions. 

Then came ikids. A gaping question.  Of how? I work in town. Half and hour away she gets off the bus at 4 in bed by 8:30 and daddy is still combining.  And so are the grandparents. And so is everyone else   

I was not driving back and forth twice. And she could not stay out that late. 

IKids was put on hold.  I couldn't find anymore help. 

I don't like quitting. Stopping. Or letting people down. 

But there was no way I was going to put myself, Kendall or Jocelyn through that. It's not ok to be that busy or tired or stressed.  Done. 

Around here Kendall moved on to play heroes of something.  

Sophie's hair grew back 

We are getting more pigs next year 

Negations have started on egg laying hens. And a peacock. 

We found our donkey. Blister arrives soon! 

So. The last half of the year I've been enjoying the challenges of raising a 6 year old.  Doing birthdays. Christmas. Tooth fairy. The where are your gloves game.   And loving it. 

It's hard work.  But I would not trade it for anything.  

Mommy came to visit Jocelyn.  We had a fun week in the snow.  

Kendall finally picked a paint color. ( everyone is happy and I don't have to look at paint samples anymore ) And tile. And the countertop.  And the lights in the kitchen got finished. 

Kendall likes to keep life from being boring around the farm.  Be it shooting moths in the house with a gun, changing his hair styles more than me, (he's back to the sexy bald look) butchering animals in the kitchen, randomly turning off the power, (fixing something) putting tractors through house walls, teaching me the fine art of cow moving ( 4x4. I finally drove in 4 wheel drive. In mud!!!!!!) he's also very good at distress calls. Like, the tire is flat, I hit a deer and I need gas. And I'm in the ditch.  He's quite literally my hero. And he's kinda. Well. Hot. 

Kendall endured three long days of downloading and I endured three long days of Kendall waiting for the download and he is now happly playing Star Wars.  Apparently farm Internet has bested me and we are stuck with what we have. 

Basically. That's also why I haven't blogged in almost a year. 

So. From all of us and the animals, it's going to be a great year!!!! 

Pulling the plug

Jan 8, 2015 

It's a day 

For some just a day 

It's Friday 

It may be your birthday 

For me, it's a big day. 

I've never wanted a career.  I always thought I would be a stay at home mom. Id have side projects. But i just never saw myself as a career woman.  

As I grew older and life happened, I got jobs. And more jobs. And more. One day eventually my full world was wrapped around working, yep I buried my personal life issues in work.  I was stuck and there was no plan or hope in sight of getting off that crazy train

Eventually, as in about 5 years ago, I realized I had some issues. And decided to change things.  

I've been collecting jobs since I was 15. I've been a landscaper, professional produce picker, dog walker, commercial cleaner, ice cream scooper, waitress, cashier, gas attendant, house sitter, sandwich artist, kitchen assistant, sales agent, sales rep, sales consultant, telemarketer, office assistant, tech support, trade broker, office administrator, manager, parts person, and  finally office manager. Whew. 

No wonder I'm tired. 

As of January 8, 2015, I will finally be a stay at home step mom and in home wife. 

I'm excited. 

Kendall is looking forward to being organized. 

Jocelyn wants to play barbies. 

I'm going to clean the house on a week day.  

Personally, I'm proud of how far I have come.  To needling to be overworked to be ok to now. And to be happy with who I am. Just as I am. 

The last 5 years were filled with the worst times and best times of my life.  

And I'm so happy to finally be moving on in life. Officially unstuck.  

Thank you Jesus.  

Respect

It's truly amazing how far one would stoop, just because you get lip service and flattery. 

Amazing how the laziest, most conniving, back stabbing and plain old selfish people can still get somewhere in life when they butter up the right person.  

Respect officially lost.  

A blue kitchen

"Your getting married? Are you scared"

One of my kiddos asked me this this week. I laughed. No.  

I'm so excited. 

Its been a while since I have written. And I just needed to sit on some things. I'm going to do my best to make this as non churchy as possible.  And I hope you get my heart and love. 

Every season of my life I've felt like I was there for someone else. I was needed. Someone needed something from me. And that's who I am. That's what I love doing. And my time of getting what I needed was coming one day. 

My first marriage ending was like a cannon ball of its time for you. Lots of hard lessons and learning and growing.  And making time for me. 

And then I met Kendall. His family keeps telling me they prayed for me. 

But I prayed for him.  And them. 

I never got why people are worried about in laws. Mine are awesome. 

The church saying is that what is taken away is returned with more. And it feels like every once of energy I  poured into being there for someone has come back to me. Please understand this isn't me being all "o look at me" but if you have been there you know. 

I never thought someone would be in love with me. Or life could be what I saw in my dreams. But it's happening. From the annoying parts of my job to the dog greeting me at the farm in the morning. To Kendall making me a huge garden to having a sun room. But Kendall loves me. And that may be a duh for some people.  But to know and feel his love. It's so amazing. 

I recently had the pleasure of a wedding shower thrown for me.  And it's not like I needed one. But the act of people getting together to celebrate this time in my life.  I needed this.  It sounds funny but I need to let people love me.  I used to push people away. I didn't want them close. But I'm finding this part of healing is just letting people love you. And sometimes you wonder if people do care. Or see that you need people.  And I am so honoured to be the reliever of that love. 

I'm so grateful God  looks past mistakes 

I'm grateful for His love 

I'm so grateful that I have this life. 

I'm so thankful for the friends and family who stuck with me through all this. 

And I'm so grateful for Kendall. 

I love you.  

And my blue kitchen.   :) 

Mr fixit

Over the last two years I went on a rampage of my life fixing things. 

Still working out some kinks. 

I know I have issues with balance. Balancing work family church friends relationships fun and me time. For once. I  feel like I'm at a place where I can do that.  Every one of those areas got my time this week. I even got house work done. I worked a regular work week.  Saw family. Had friend time.  Church stuff has its time slot. Had an amazing date night.  Even had some alone time.  I had to make choices to do this. Ones I don't like to make because I'm sure someone probably felt let down. I said no to things. I said yes to other things.  But at the end of the week....I feel better.  I am living my life.  It is not controlling me. 

The past few years were hard.  Very very hard.  But worth it.  Because the life I have now......worth living. 

 Balance achieved! (This week) ha