Pulling the plug

Jan 8, 2015 

It's a day 

For some just a day 

It's Friday 

It may be your birthday 

For me, it's a big day. 

I've never wanted a career.  I always thought I would be a stay at home mom. Id have side projects. But i just never saw myself as a career woman.  

As I grew older and life happened, I got jobs. And more jobs. And more. One day eventually my full world was wrapped around working, yep I buried my personal life issues in work.  I was stuck and there was no plan or hope in sight of getting off that crazy train

Eventually, as in about 5 years ago, I realized I had some issues. And decided to change things.  

I've been collecting jobs since I was 15. I've been a landscaper, professional produce picker, dog walker, commercial cleaner, ice cream scooper, waitress, cashier, gas attendant, house sitter, sandwich artist, kitchen assistant, sales agent, sales rep, sales consultant, telemarketer, office assistant, tech support, trade broker, office administrator, manager, parts person, and  finally office manager. Whew. 

No wonder I'm tired. 

As of January 8, 2015, I will finally be a stay at home step mom and in home wife. 

I'm excited. 

Kendall is looking forward to being organized. 

Jocelyn wants to play barbies. 

I'm going to clean the house on a week day.  

Personally, I'm proud of how far I have come.  To needling to be overworked to be ok to now. And to be happy with who I am. Just as I am. 

The last 5 years were filled with the worst times and best times of my life.  

And I'm so happy to finally be moving on in life. Officially unstuck.  

Thank you Jesus.  

Respect

It's truly amazing how far one would stoop, just because you get lip service and flattery. 

Amazing how the laziest, most conniving, back stabbing and plain old selfish people can still get somewhere in life when they butter up the right person.  

Respect officially lost.  

A blue kitchen

"Your getting married? Are you scared"

One of my kiddos asked me this this week. I laughed. No.  

I'm so excited. 

Its been a while since I have written. And I just needed to sit on some things. I'm going to do my best to make this as non churchy as possible.  And I hope you get my heart and love. 

Every season of my life I've felt like I was there for someone else. I was needed. Someone needed something from me. And that's who I am. That's what I love doing. And my time of getting what I needed was coming one day. 

My first marriage ending was like a cannon ball of its time for you. Lots of hard lessons and learning and growing.  And making time for me. 

And then I met Kendall. His family keeps telling me they prayed for me. 

But I prayed for him.  And them. 

I never got why people are worried about in laws. Mine are awesome. 

The church saying is that what is taken away is returned with more. And it feels like every once of energy I  poured into being there for someone has come back to me. Please understand this isn't me being all "o look at me" but if you have been there you know. 

I never thought someone would be in love with me. Or life could be what I saw in my dreams. But it's happening. From the annoying parts of my job to the dog greeting me at the farm in the morning. To Kendall making me a huge garden to having a sun room. But Kendall loves me. And that may be a duh for some people.  But to know and feel his love. It's so amazing. 

I recently had the pleasure of a wedding shower thrown for me.  And it's not like I needed one. But the act of people getting together to celebrate this time in my life.  I needed this.  It sounds funny but I need to let people love me.  I used to push people away. I didn't want them close. But I'm finding this part of healing is just letting people love you. And sometimes you wonder if people do care. Or see that you need people.  And I am so honoured to be the reliever of that love. 

I'm so grateful God  looks past mistakes 

I'm grateful for His love 

I'm so grateful that I have this life. 

I'm so thankful for the friends and family who stuck with me through all this. 

And I'm so grateful for Kendall. 

I love you.  

And my blue kitchen.   :) 

Mr fixit

Over the last two years I went on a rampage of my life fixing things. 

Still working out some kinks. 

I know I have issues with balance. Balancing work family church friends relationships fun and me time. For once. I  feel like I'm at a place where I can do that.  Every one of those areas got my time this week. I even got house work done. I worked a regular work week.  Saw family. Had friend time.  Church stuff has its time slot. Had an amazing date night.  Even had some alone time.  I had to make choices to do this. Ones I don't like to make because I'm sure someone probably felt let down. I said no to things. I said yes to other things.  But at the end of the week....I feel better.  I am living my life.  It is not controlling me. 

The past few years were hard.  Very very hard.  But worth it.  Because the life I have now......worth living. 

 Balance achieved! (This week) ha 

Soul food

So, I'm 33. Yikes 

The saving grace is that all the hard work physically, mentally and spiritually is paying off. 

I'm to the point where I genuinely enjoy my life.  I feel like I can manage things. Kind of.  

More importantly.  

I met a guy. 

He's awesome 

Ill gush about him later. 

Did I mention he's awesome? 

I was not expecting to meet the guy. I was prepared for a long painful dating process.  Nope.

Here is the funny thing. When you tell God the desires of your heart and He knows them and you wait slightly patiently....you get an answer. 

My answer came in the package of the cutest dorkiest sweetest manliest dude I've ever met.

I don't fall for a guy at first sight. I don't mesh immediately with a guy. I don't chill out.  But somehow.  It happened. 

He gets me. He gets....wait for it. My music.  He just fits. I've stopped questioning why or how or why now  and I'm just having fun. And every time he starts singing a silly tune designed to make me giggle.  I just can't help it. 

I giggle.

Fire and games

Now I get it. 

You should stay away from me. 

I just hurt people 

I don't let anyone close enough. I push them away and hide 

Make them hate me

Don't let them in 

Run away its safer for you.  

You don't want near my toxic flame 

Fly fly fly away to the safety of your tree 

My poison gas won't hurt you up there. 

It's better for me to be alone then poison your beautiful souls 

I'm damaged goods 

A praying mantis

Waiting to suck your soul. 

Run away little bird.  Run away. 

No good can come of this. 

Icebergs

Starting over

Changing your perspective

Terrifying. 

I've discovered I'm more stubborn that I thought. I find I'm angry that I'm back here. On the outside looking in.

I keep thinking that some part of life should just finally be easy. 

I find I always struggle. Fight. Push

Mostly, because I am impatient. 

I am in control 

And it happens my way. 

I think that certain issues should take this long to resolve. And when that time period is up, problem should be solved.

Apparently I cannot control time 

Apparently I cannot tell God when it is time for the next phase.

Apparently I have to be human and deal with things at a human speed. I find I forget to slow down and remember, 

I don't get why I cannot apply fact and reason to a situation, glean the results, and then move on. That should be a reasonable outcome. Apparently it is not. 

This is my current struggle.

I feel it's time to move on. I feel I have endured enough. I have waited long enough. I have done all I can. Therefore, I should be allowed to move on. Apparently, it's not how it works.  

Sometimes, I feel if I could just get a glimpse of what is on the other side of all this crap I would be ok with it. I could keep going. And I keep seeing nothing. But then I remembered, 3.5 years ago I had a day, where I was at total peace. I was not dragging my life behind me kicking and screaming. It was perfect. Everything finally made sense. It was a glimpse. And it lasted a day. I had another one of those days a few months ago.  And another a few weeks ago. It's a picture. Life could be so, worth living. Enjoyable.

I want that life so much.  

I don't get why I cannot just wake up and it just be there. 

Apparently I need to trust and let go control. 

This needs more study.