Bling please!

Ever since I was 16, I have wanted something.
To get my nose pierced.
I don't know why.
I just did.

I had a Barbie bracelet that I would experiment with, it fit and I thought it looked, stunning.
So I kept the experimental fake.  And tried it on many many times and wore it out frequently.

Yeah, I know.  Lame.

I figured once I was old enough, or brave enough I would get it done.
When I left home at 18, and went to Bible school. I thought I would do it then.

And here in lies the meat of the blog.

So, in Proverbs 31 it talks about the ideal women, or wife.  As a young women looking for her mate, while also in Bible school where young men are also looking for the same thing, you put your best foot forward, or try to.
Girls primp, do what they do, make themselves presentable. Guys do their thing.  We all know Bible college is....Bridal College.  And that's simply because you go, looking for the next phase of life, to get better and find yourself and hopefully someone.  Same as any other college frankly. Its a place where many young people are together, expanding horizons , ideals and lives.  Growing up.

So, in trying to get an edge, a little something extra that makes a short, shy homeschooled kid from Saskatchewan stand out amongst experienced travelers of the emotional workings of the thing that is male.  What does one do in Bible school?   Why.....become the ideal wife.  Strive for perfection. Be of sound mind. Be faithful, prayerful. Pure. Lovely. Become the Proverbs 31 women. 
And fail and fail and fail. Becoming a virtuous women is not a game, a route you take to find the perfect man. Virtue is something that you don't just follow these 5 easy steps to attain perfection and therefore locking down the catch of a life time that will make all your dreams come true.
Total load of crap.

And, I've had to learn this the hard way.  Sure I had green and blue hair in Bible school. Sure I may have kind of dated a guy or two. (the actual qualifiable total of dudes I dated remains a mystery, if we were never officially dating, does it still count? If we went on a date and then argued about whether or not it was a relationship or not for the next 4 weeks, does that  count?  We shall for argument sake set the total at 3.5) Sure, I really really, tried to be a virtous women. But did I get it?
In my crazy quest for the perfect mate I put my life and myself on hold. I was WAITING. 
I was terrified that if I was who I truly was inside that I would scare "him" away. No mere mortal could handle me. Thoughts of nose piercings were cast aside, its on your face. A good Christian guy is going to see that and just see rebellion and pass you over.  Be who you are, well that is just not good enough so copy other girls and do what they do and then maybe you will show up on some guys radar. Copy, follow, replicate and for heavens sake....don't be you.

you can imagine how well this worked.......and I began to hate the game, girls who got their dream, and men all the same. Utter crap.  Painful. Humiliation reigns abundant.  Spinning in circles.

Eventually, I began to see the rut for what it was. I was 25. I did every day the exact same. I lived at my job. I tried nothing new. I had no joy except job performance. I was too tired to do anything fun. I was too scared to push beyond the borders. I was there, being faithful, and waiting. Being "virtuous."

And it was killing me.  My heart would race. My body was shutting down, in constant pain. I was miserable.

What does virtue mean?
 The term "virtuous" is from a noun meaning strength, efficiency, ability.  Here it refers to strength of character, that is, moral strength and firmness. 
I have discovered over the last few years.  I have strength. I have learned efficiency. and I have the ability to do pretty much anything I want.  My moral character and willingness to stick to it.....well, I think I figured that one out too.

"her worth is far more valuable than rubies"
I never truly saw my worth or value.  How rare I truly was. I get it now. I am irreplaceable. I am incredible. I am one of a kind. I get it. Dare to be different.  Dare to go against the flow of the world, and to be transformed by the renewing of your mind (Rom. 12:2). 

And as I now go over the characteristics of the ideal woman, I see that over the years of  trial and error, pain, torture, self doubt, growth, learning, teaching, trusting, and just WORK. That I am more and more becoming this woman.  Not to catch a guy. But just because I am worth the effort of myself to have an awesome life. Not to make anyone else's life great, but also my own.

When I was 25, I saw the rut, and I started fixing it. I needed to get uncomfortable. I bought a car that terrified me. Stick shift. Drove it to Hamilton my first day with it.  So not smart, and so good for my perfect safe world. I started to see where I was hiding and where I was giving up on myself and life. I addressed fears and failures, mistakes, shortcomings, doubts and this time started fixing them for me. Not some guy.  I took chances. Took risks.  Failed. Succeeded. Met a guy. Took a chance. Took jobs I was scared of. Found out I could do more than I imagined. Found out I was stronger that even I believed. Discovered that I could start over. My faith took beatings, hit high points. So many things over the last 7 years. And through it all, my Heavenly Father has been there guiding me and showing me that I am loved, wanted, needed and wanted, not for what I can do, but just because I am me.

So, I chose a couple months ago. To make a personal statement to myself. Never again be that person. Never hide. Be who you are. Be strong. Be loving. Be brave. Be you.
I got my nose pierced. 
I chickened out once. Was on the highway home when I realized I really wanted this done and almost needed to have it done before I got home. Google searched. Called. Booked. Chickened out.
My brilliant adventure co-pilot didn't let me wimp out the second time. 
It hurt.
But I love it. It looks like it belonged there all along. 
A constant reminder to me.
Look how far you have come.
No one can take it away. No one can argue the fact. Its right there.
Bam
Bling on my face
Sparkling for the world to see.
Just like me.

And if I can do it.....well.......with a little bit of elbow grease and some proverbs 31, I'm sure just about anyone can.

Poetic Cliffhanger

I'm standing on the edge of the cliff.
Overlooking the valley of fears and doubts.
Across the chiasm, I see it.

                       Dreams  
                                                      Possibilities
                                      Hopes
                                                                            Desires
                           Things I dare not speak of
                                                                                        The impossible

I stand, gazing at what separates me. A fog sets in.  It surrounds me.  Envelops me.

Crushing my soul.

Screaming, "Look at what's between you and your future!"

                                   It's impossible
                                           Give up
                            It's never going to happen

I fall to my knee in shame and fear, trembling, unbelieving that I could ever cross.  

A light in the distances shines through.  

It burns the fog.  Gently melting the fears.  Doubts.

Suddenly. I am surrounded by light, the dismal gloom has lifted.  
And as I gaze across the chasm.
I realize.
It's but a step.

                                 My dreams are walking towards me. 
                                 Goals look at me and wave.
                                 Dreams fist pump the air. Yes! We are going to happen!
                                 Love looks at me and smiles....and takes a step forward.

I take it in. And take a step back.  Something is wrong, this can't be real!

A gentle hand pushes me forward.

                    This is what you have been waiting for
                                  This is what you prepared for
                                             This is what you prayed for
                                                           This is the good life
                                                                                          Take it

And I take a step. And another.  And another. 
And then.
I'm on the other side. 
Surrounded by light and love.  
It's really happening.......

All that glitters

Not all of the feeling better is getting over the "great collapse of what was formerly my life".
A lot of it has to do with inner healing, counseling, great friends, great God, and oreo cookies.

One fabulous thing that has occurred to me recently.....is.......that.....gulp....I'm BEAUTIFUL!

I think I blogged about this before.  I just never really thought I looked......good.  It never occurred to me.  I had more than enough personality to make up for it!  MWAAHAHHAAHHAHHAH

But seriously.  I was cute maybe.  But Beautiful?  Gorgeous?  NOOOOO

I'm getting comfortable with the fact that well....I might just look pretty good too. 

Hence all the shameless selfi pics recently. 

I'm cute.  I'm pretty.  I'm beautiful.  I'm 30 something (I can't remember what exactly)

and I just figured it out. 

Bam!

Open Heart Surgery

Today would have been the 6 year anniversary.
It passed with neigh a twinge.

I actually forgot.  Good feeling.

I feel so free, liberated.
I am excited about life and all the unknowns. 
I am happy.
I am LOVING my life.
I am HAPPY.

I am FREE.  My soul is free. My heart is free. 

And it keeps getting better. 

Next project....safe vulnerability.   Gulp.

We got this!

YEAH!!!!

Love and Trust

Kids just don't know how smart they are.

I have been thinking a LOT lately about trust.  and Love.  How they are tied together and work together and you just cannot have one without the other.

Tonight I had a chat with one of the kids:

kid: can I go spend my points?
me: what time is it?
kid: snack time
me: so its not game room time right?
kid: no, but can't I just go get it myself?
me: no you sure can't
kid: yes I can, you just don't trust me
me: (to myself, no kidding, but how does he know that?) um, well you have a point there buddy, either way, you can't and you will have to wait till after snack time.
kid: can I help?
me: (WHAT!!!) sure, go wash your hands

The fact that he knew I did not trust him was profound to me. 
And, yes, he could for sure go ahead and help himself.   I am quite certain he would have spent exactly the amount of points he had.

I think this is how God must think sometimes.  Yes I can do that in your life.  But you just don't trust me.  I can do anything.  Will you trust ME?

I am at a new place in my life. New roads. Roads I never thought would open.  Its scary.  Things in life you Never thought were possible suddenly opening up and you find your self losing your breath. Its this really happening? It feels like the moment, when your flying, when the wheels leave the tarmac, before actual flight takes over and you wonder for a second....are we really going to fly? Or better yet, when your on a ride at an amusement park and just as it takes off....that two second moment of terror before you drop or fly.....when time seems to stand still. 

Do you trust ME?

(insert slow-mo hair freeze framed just before the big drop on drop zone before I thought I was going to die)

Romans 8:31
³¹ What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? ³² He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? ³³ Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; ³⁴ who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was ^[l]raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. ³⁵ Who will separate us from the love of ^[m]Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ³⁶ Just as it is written,

“For Your sake we are being put to death all day long;
We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

 

I will not die...

I like the ...  I just hate giving up.  and the "..." Just keeps in going, in my head.
All you grammar nuts.....calm thyself.  It's just in my head ok............  extra long ............. just for fun.

Ok.

So last public blog I made I was still married.  STILL thinking in the VERY back of my head....he's going to come back for me.  Really. I will look up and he will be here.
Nope.
He let me go.
Sigh.
It's for the best. 
He is doing better.
I am figuring out how to be single again.  Bleck.
I just really dislike this figuring out how to be single, becoming one so you can be a blah blah balh.....that's what couples counseling is for.   JUST KIDDING.
I feel cheated. I have been here before. I got the medal.
Now, I get to do it all over again. I am not a fan.  I still hate the idea of dating.
I still hate having to get to know someone enough to trust them with my life.
I still hate the idea of having to join someone else's life.  They should just join mine.

What I would rather is just a nice home town boy who gets my church, my friends, and just fits into my life. I don't have to change or stress or become something. You don't have to explain yourself.  And he just knows who I am and gets why I am and we share the same beliefs and you just want to scream because, you know EXACTLY what you want, EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT and its just not possible.  But if he was possible. And he actually loved me.  Well.  Game over.
I know what I just described seems perfectly normal but for some reason.....it escapes me.
I thought I had it.... My heart has been there before.  Its not sure it wants to take the chance again. It's getting tired and sad. It needs more vitamins.

I find myself amused by the whole thing. That people think I could be destroyed by this all. That they say I am more confident. And so on. Which is nice. But, they don't know what has been inside of me. I hid it all. I tried to fit a mold to become what I thought would work better, someone was just going to try to take me out or down or beat me. If I appeared weak....maybe they will leave me alone. 
Some times, being in a couple is so much easier, you just blame all your faults on your partner, and never have to take responsibility for you. I jest, but really. It's true.

So. I am divorced.  shudder

NEVER thought I would be here.  I remember loving so much that I was sure I would die if I lost him. And then my logic kicks in and reminds me of the not knowing, the waiting, the questions.  Then my heart reminds me that I can't be cold and logical all the time.  Then my brain tells them both to shut up and focus on the road cause you don't have anyone in the vehicle to remind you to pay attention.

So, I'm hanging onto hope and faith and God........and see where the road leads next.

Back on the....meat market.....gross....

So, I'm single. 
Yeaaaahhhh.......(note sarcasm and eye rolling followed by fist pump)

I wanted to see what was available in my age range.....

So I logged onto a Christian date site.....

I beefed up my profile today.......

I find it quite....awesome........

Hopefully the old men get the hint......

Looking for someone a tad bit older than me.  |I said a TAD!!  If you are 43 and older....STOP READING MY PROFILE!!! YOU ARE TEN YEARS OLDER!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  MARRIAGE MINDED?  If we had kids, (and since I am in my early 30's I would probably want kids, you would be 65 before they graduated high school.
THINK ABOUT THAT!!!!  Is that the life you want? NO!!!!!!! 

52 year old crowd...REALLY?  Did you look at my age? Are ya kidding me?

 Sigh.....


 the rest of my profile ends in......yeah I'm bored so I'm not finishing the rest.

I'm sure to snag a winner....lol