All that glitters

Not all of the feeling better is getting over the "great collapse of what was formerly my life".
A lot of it has to do with inner healing, counseling, great friends, great God, and oreo cookies.

One fabulous thing that has occurred to me recently.....is.......that.....gulp....I'm BEAUTIFUL!

I think I blogged about this before.  I just never really thought I looked......good.  It never occurred to me.  I had more than enough personality to make up for it!  MWAAHAHHAAHHAHHAH

But seriously.  I was cute maybe.  But Beautiful?  Gorgeous?  NOOOOO

I'm getting comfortable with the fact that well....I might just look pretty good too. 

Hence all the shameless selfi pics recently. 

I'm cute.  I'm pretty.  I'm beautiful.  I'm 30 something (I can't remember what exactly)

and I just figured it out. 

Bam!

Open Heart Surgery

Today would have been the 6 year anniversary.
It passed with neigh a twinge.

I actually forgot.  Good feeling.

I feel so free, liberated.
I am excited about life and all the unknowns. 
I am happy.
I am LOVING my life.
I am HAPPY.

I am FREE.  My soul is free. My heart is free. 

And it keeps getting better. 

Next project....safe vulnerability.   Gulp.

We got this!

YEAH!!!!

Love and Trust

Kids just don't know how smart they are.

I have been thinking a LOT lately about trust.  and Love.  How they are tied together and work together and you just cannot have one without the other.

Tonight I had a chat with one of the kids:

kid: can I go spend my points?
me: what time is it?
kid: snack time
me: so its not game room time right?
kid: no, but can't I just go get it myself?
me: no you sure can't
kid: yes I can, you just don't trust me
me: (to myself, no kidding, but how does he know that?) um, well you have a point there buddy, either way, you can't and you will have to wait till after snack time.
kid: can I help?
me: (WHAT!!!) sure, go wash your hands

The fact that he knew I did not trust him was profound to me. 
And, yes, he could for sure go ahead and help himself.   I am quite certain he would have spent exactly the amount of points he had.

I think this is how God must think sometimes.  Yes I can do that in your life.  But you just don't trust me.  I can do anything.  Will you trust ME?

I am at a new place in my life. New roads. Roads I never thought would open.  Its scary.  Things in life you Never thought were possible suddenly opening up and you find your self losing your breath. Its this really happening? It feels like the moment, when your flying, when the wheels leave the tarmac, before actual flight takes over and you wonder for a second....are we really going to fly? Or better yet, when your on a ride at an amusement park and just as it takes off....that two second moment of terror before you drop or fly.....when time seems to stand still. 

Do you trust ME?

(insert slow-mo hair freeze framed just before the big drop on drop zone before I thought I was going to die)

Romans 8:31
³¹ What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? ³² He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? ³³ Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; ³⁴ who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was ^[l]raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. ³⁵ Who will separate us from the love of ^[m]Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ³⁶ Just as it is written,

“For Your sake we are being put to death all day long;
We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

 

I will not die...

I like the ...  I just hate giving up.  and the "..." Just keeps in going, in my head.
All you grammar nuts.....calm thyself.  It's just in my head ok............  extra long ............. just for fun.

Ok.

So last public blog I made I was still married.  STILL thinking in the VERY back of my head....he's going to come back for me.  Really. I will look up and he will be here.
Nope.
He let me go.
Sigh.
It's for the best. 
He is doing better.
I am figuring out how to be single again.  Bleck.
I just really dislike this figuring out how to be single, becoming one so you can be a blah blah balh.....that's what couples counseling is for.   JUST KIDDING.
I feel cheated. I have been here before. I got the medal.
Now, I get to do it all over again. I am not a fan.  I still hate the idea of dating.
I still hate having to get to know someone enough to trust them with my life.
I still hate the idea of having to join someone else's life.  They should just join mine.

What I would rather is just a nice home town boy who gets my church, my friends, and just fits into my life. I don't have to change or stress or become something. You don't have to explain yourself.  And he just knows who I am and gets why I am and we share the same beliefs and you just want to scream because, you know EXACTLY what you want, EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT and its just not possible.  But if he was possible. And he actually loved me.  Well.  Game over.
I know what I just described seems perfectly normal but for some reason.....it escapes me.
I thought I had it.... My heart has been there before.  Its not sure it wants to take the chance again. It's getting tired and sad. It needs more vitamins.

I find myself amused by the whole thing. That people think I could be destroyed by this all. That they say I am more confident. And so on. Which is nice. But, they don't know what has been inside of me. I hid it all. I tried to fit a mold to become what I thought would work better, someone was just going to try to take me out or down or beat me. If I appeared weak....maybe they will leave me alone. 
Some times, being in a couple is so much easier, you just blame all your faults on your partner, and never have to take responsibility for you. I jest, but really. It's true.

So. I am divorced.  shudder

NEVER thought I would be here.  I remember loving so much that I was sure I would die if I lost him. And then my logic kicks in and reminds me of the not knowing, the waiting, the questions.  Then my heart reminds me that I can't be cold and logical all the time.  Then my brain tells them both to shut up and focus on the road cause you don't have anyone in the vehicle to remind you to pay attention.

So, I'm hanging onto hope and faith and God........and see where the road leads next.

Back on the....meat market.....gross....

So, I'm single. 
Yeaaaahhhh.......(note sarcasm and eye rolling followed by fist pump)

I wanted to see what was available in my age range.....

So I logged onto a Christian date site.....

I beefed up my profile today.......

I find it quite....awesome........

Hopefully the old men get the hint......

Looking for someone a tad bit older than me.  |I said a TAD!!  If you are 43 and older....STOP READING MY PROFILE!!! YOU ARE TEN YEARS OLDER!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  MARRIAGE MINDED?  If we had kids, (and since I am in my early 30's I would probably want kids, you would be 65 before they graduated high school.
THINK ABOUT THAT!!!!  Is that the life you want? NO!!!!!!! 

52 year old crowd...REALLY?  Did you look at my age? Are ya kidding me?

 Sigh.....


 the rest of my profile ends in......yeah I'm bored so I'm not finishing the rest.

I'm sure to snag a winner....lol

Danger

I constantly amaze myself.  

To borrow the words of "Schmidt". Totally "crushed" it at work this week. And at life.  I should throw a "rebranding" party.  Themed, danger.  That's how awesome I did this week.  Or how I feel I did, rather.  

Crushed it. 

What's love got to do with it?

I'm not saying love is the key to an all powerful awesome life and if I figure that out I'm set and all stars will align and life will be perfect.  But, for me, I don't need much from someone.  I'm not as high maintenance as I like to pretend or wish I could be. I try to dream up ways to be vulnerable or have "needs so I can find someone to fulfill them". It's not me. I like being independent. I like being strong.  I like that I'm tough. I like that I can take on mountains.  That's just me. And if some guy finds that too intimidating, too bad. Find a different girl. 

I like that I have a girly side.  I'm quirky. I'm weird. I have a rabbit trail reasoning pattern that could take days to unravel.  But it's solid and just different. And I like that. It's part of the delight that is me. And yes, it requires some time.  That's what I need. Someone who takes the time to know me. That's in all honestly my need.  I know.  Life changing. Selling myself short? It's my need. Deal with it. I don't like pretending.  I've spent enough years trying to appear like someone I have been told would get a guy or make guys like me more, or what a man would not find intimidating, or generally, put up with.  I'm done. I'm awesome. I'm incredible. You won't find another like me. And I may think a little too much of myself, but I know what is inside and what potential I have and what I'm capable of.  Recognize son. (Yeah, that's special)  

I'm so glad no one reads my blog. 

If someone does. Please note I once needed someone else to order my food in a restaurant as I was too shy to speak up over the noise to order my food, I would change my personality to fit the situation and person I was with, I contemplated death regularly, and generally set out to change every thing about me because I hated everything about me. I've come a long way.  (I also really like how I write, I find myself to be amusing and charming) (wink) 

So love.