Back on the....meat market.....gross....

So, I'm single. 
Yeaaaahhhh.......(note sarcasm and eye rolling followed by fist pump)

I wanted to see what was available in my age range.....

So I logged onto a Christian date site.....

I beefed up my profile today.......

I find it quite....awesome........

Hopefully the old men get the hint......

Looking for someone a tad bit older than me.  |I said a TAD!!  If you are 43 and older....STOP READING MY PROFILE!!! YOU ARE TEN YEARS OLDER!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  MARRIAGE MINDED?  If we had kids, (and since I am in my early 30's I would probably want kids, you would be 65 before they graduated high school.
THINK ABOUT THAT!!!!  Is that the life you want? NO!!!!!!! 

52 year old crowd...REALLY?  Did you look at my age? Are ya kidding me?

 Sigh.....


 the rest of my profile ends in......yeah I'm bored so I'm not finishing the rest.

I'm sure to snag a winner....lol

Danger

I constantly amaze myself.  

To borrow the words of "Schmidt". Totally "crushed" it at work this week. And at life.  I should throw a "rebranding" party.  Themed, danger.  That's how awesome I did this week.  Or how I feel I did, rather.  

Crushed it. 

What's love got to do with it?

I'm not saying love is the key to an all powerful awesome life and if I figure that out I'm set and all stars will align and life will be perfect.  But, for me, I don't need much from someone.  I'm not as high maintenance as I like to pretend or wish I could be. I try to dream up ways to be vulnerable or have "needs so I can find someone to fulfill them". It's not me. I like being independent. I like being strong.  I like that I'm tough. I like that I can take on mountains.  That's just me. And if some guy finds that too intimidating, too bad. Find a different girl. 

I like that I have a girly side.  I'm quirky. I'm weird. I have a rabbit trail reasoning pattern that could take days to unravel.  But it's solid and just different. And I like that. It's part of the delight that is me. And yes, it requires some time.  That's what I need. Someone who takes the time to know me. That's in all honestly my need.  I know.  Life changing. Selling myself short? It's my need. Deal with it. I don't like pretending.  I've spent enough years trying to appear like someone I have been told would get a guy or make guys like me more, or what a man would not find intimidating, or generally, put up with.  I'm done. I'm awesome. I'm incredible. You won't find another like me. And I may think a little too much of myself, but I know what is inside and what potential I have and what I'm capable of.  Recognize son. (Yeah, that's special)  

I'm so glad no one reads my blog. 

If someone does. Please note I once needed someone else to order my food in a restaurant as I was too shy to speak up over the noise to order my food, I would change my personality to fit the situation and person I was with, I contemplated death regularly, and generally set out to change every thing about me because I hated everything about me. I've come a long way.  (I also really like how I write, I find myself to be amusing and charming) (wink) 

So love.  

Lois Lane

I am falling

I am falling

Crashing and burning, falling and spinning.

Here I am waiting, waiting for you to save me.

I am like the mighty hero, flying though the sky smashing into anything that may dare get into my path. Mighty and fierce. Ready to do battle. Strong and ready to withstand the strongest blow.

But then, I am not. I am battle weary. I am torn and weak, weary of the fight. Ready to give up.  But the end is in site. I am waiting for the final scene.

Waiting for the rescue.

So here I float, searching for your hand, will it reach through the fog?

Suspended in limbo all I see is chaos and ruin.

Blades of light pierce the fog, soft glowing fingers of life and light, shattering the cold.

Bringing calm to the chaos, light to the dark, piercing the fog.

And there in the midst of the hope, your hand pierces through, fingers outstretched

waiting for my hand to reach out and be rescued.

So here I wait.

In limbo

For the superman rescue  

bent not broken

So I have just returned from a great weekend away. I had a solid ten hours alone, driving and thinking.  The last few weeks have been rough.  Not really solid on why.   Just down right wet dog smelly bad.  And I think part of it has to do with this blog.  The one I don't want to write and the one I have been putting off.  This one hurts I think more than all the other things that have happened this year.  This one cuts deep.

 I just need to do it.  And move on.
And the only reason I am posting this is that I know many woman go through this.  And I don't think suffering alone is an answer or good thing.

So when someone asks you who you are, what do you say?   What comes to mind?   Me?  I'm a mom.  I dont say that, cause well they ask how many kids and then your like um none.  But its who I am.

I think out of all the things that have ripped away at the core of me the last few years is this kid thing. We tried to two years to have a kid.  If you have been there you know the earth shattering pain you endure monthly when its yet another no.  It keeps hacking at your heart, ripping away your dreams inch by inch.  I could not bring myself to complete the process to start dr visits.  I don't think I could have really been ok had there been bad news.  You don't want to talk about it, its a really personal thing. You don't want to worry your partner.  So you....you just cope.
And now, I know this very thing I want so badly, my dream is gone.  For now.  Maybe ever.  Who knows.  I don't I wish I did.  I wish that there was not a part of me that knows I won't have a kid. I'll be a mom to some kid some day, but have a kid.....I don't know.  And for now, I need to accept that this is over.  Shed my tears and put this on the shelf for now. Accept it.  I can't dwell on it.  It makes me angry. Crazy. Bitter. And I feel myself getting stuck at this stage.  And I don't like it.
 
So, i've had my tears.
Had some days of saddness....ok lots of them. and probably more
Had some great friends talk me through some rough patches.
Ate a lot of ice cream
Visited the baby that should have arrived close to my baby.

And I'm ok.

I'm going to be a mom one day.  It just may not be what I thought....or when I wanted.

Dear future child, hello, I've been waiting for you.....

Set a fire

So I'm traveling via bus. Alone.  I hate alone. Not that I can't be alone.  But I hate doing things alone. I recall a movie where the premise was a life unwitnessed.  Its my fear I will live that life sometimes. I have done so much of my life alone.  Waiting to share. Wishing I could have someone witness my life. And I'm back here again.  I just want someone to remember I'm alive.  It's the annoying part of being human. And a woman apparently. And admitting your human.   Part of me just wants to be part machine.  Nothing bothers me I don't care about human  experiences and mostly, don't get hurt. But I can't.   I feel like Bones, i need things to be rational and reasonable. But that is not how it works. And Bones eventually got her Booth.  And she had Angela.  And I have lots of her.  Cause Booth, well........I dont think i would survive Booth.
Then, there is the part of me that is sitting still and has time to think.  The freaky nomad hippy artist.  She's winning tonight so hence the blog.   So.
Couple weeks ago was rough.  Rough enough that the escape plan was initiated. As in dissapear.
The city girl diva wants polished perfection.   The hippy Farm girl wants a cabin in the woods next to a lake living off the earth shoeless. I know.  Me. Shoeless.
So the point.
Ok so I blogged about being a diva.  And I've been a bit of one as of late.  nd thank you to all who have endured that crazy person.   Tonight's inspiration brought to you by Adel and "one and only"
It's not easy giving up your heart.  She sings this line " let me be your one and only " and "give me a chance I promise I'm worth it"
I used to feel " please just give me a chance. I'm weird but worth it."
Girls.  No body is perfect.  Don't be a doormat.   Don't think he is your last chance.  Cause he will be your end.  You gave up and settled for someone you will always feel did you a favour This works for guys as well.   And possibly more sad.
"I dare you". Ok this line I get.   I dare you.  Prove it.  Don't play games.  If you mean it.   Mean it.
So this is where my diva phase has brought me.
 I'm worth it.  Ill prove it over time. Show me your worth it. My heart is worth it.

And if the other person can't see that......  They are not worth it, will never get you, and you need to move on!

It's a blonde roots issue

So I have an issue with blondes.
Not necessarily the hair color. I have been known to go blonde a time or two. It's more the blonde attitude.  What's that? Ok.  I'll explain.
My theory is that guys are attracted to confidence. Which in some women is thinly veiled well, birch  (you know what I ment). And guys cannot tell the difference.

Examples? Ok.
So you are talking to a guy you may or may not like.  It does not matter.  And in walks the blonde.  She's not always blonde.  She has many different looks.  But she has one goal.    Get the attention of every male and have them eating out of her hand.   She doesn't want any of them.  She's just playing the game.

Yes boys.
Some girls do this.

What brings a girl to do this? Bad breakup, low self esteem, daddy issues or just general not a nice person.  If your this girl.  Stop it.  Your playing with fire.

Boys.
She's just playing.  
And your going to get burnt.

And that.  Is my issue with blondes.  

Incidentally, statistically choosing blonde hair color is a sign you are looking for attention.