When it all comes down to this.

So recently my life has taken a turn for, let's call it " did that just happen". 

It's a place. Look it up. 
It started 6 years ago. When this guy who chased me for 3 years finally scored a real date out of me. A year later we married. I noticed odd little things when we dated. He randomly would just get really impossible or silent and just, off.  It was winter. He hated his job. No biggie. That can give anyone the blues. I knew the guy for three years, i was not really worried. Then when we were engaged more stuff crept up. Weddings are stressful. Ask anyone. 
So about 6 months into the marriage. I knew. Something was wrong with my husband and best friend. We started the journey of dealing with mental illness. It's been a bumpy ride. One day to the next you never know who you are going to get or why. Why he was mad or was happy. What would set him off. What would calm him down. What made him blue or put him into a dark cloud. The bad days his eyes would go black. Some days you could just see the pain radiating through those eyes. And there is no cookie, cake or back rub that will fix it. Some days my old Ben would come back. Sometimes it would take weeks. My Ben would stick around for a bit. Never sure how long it would be so you soak up all the time you had. You never know when the black comes back. 
The meds helped. Over the years there was that 3-4 month sweet spot where there would be a couple weeks of my old Ben. And then he was gone. 
So. I worked. I worked a lot. Work I could control. Work I could understand. And work made money. 

Turns out in the end you spend all that time building and one last storm, can finish off 9 years in one final blast. 

5 months ago I realized this was no longer ok. Ben was not ok. I was not ok. We were not ok. I could work all the hours I could physically handle, shoulder every responsibility, require nothing of him save to just get through the day, and it still was not enough. It had to stop. 
When you are married just for the sake of staying together even though you know the marriage is killing your partner, what do you do? Do you offer yourself up on the proverbial chopping block? Keep fighting for something that died long ago? You are emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. There is no end in sight. What do you do? You have waited, begged, pleaded, stayed silent and waited some more. You have cried till the tears ran dry more times than you care to remember. But it does not change. I'm left confused, lost and exhausted.

 And suddenly. You know. 

That bad feeling you had is real. 

You lost...

Now what? 

 So, to be clear. Ben and I are no longer together. 

 Will not be getting back together. 

This did not happen because of Ben's mental health issues. I had other reasons for this, and yes, I do have a limit as to what I share online. This one is personal. 

What I am saying is Mental Illness did play a large part of our day to day lives. And I am including my side of this because in my search for help I have not seen many spouses post how they cope. I see a lot of spouses look for help when its too late.  When they are caught in the endless cycle. 

If you deal with a spouse who deals with depression, my heart goes out to you. Deal with it. It will not go away. Resentment will build, you will start to see your life slowly fade away.  It will happen so slowly you will not even see it coming. Meds and therapy. Do it.
Lots of therapy. 
Therapy for the caretaker spouse, depression leads to isolation. Which feels like rejection. You need to deal with that. Caretaker spouse, you need to keep your life, hobby and interests active. Broke people cannot help broke people. The depressed spouse needs therapy, meds help but the brain needs to be retrained on how to process social and life situations. Coping skills learnt. If kids involved, they need to understand that the depressed parent does love them. Address the issue, deal and move on.

 This is my new year creed. 

Address. Deal. Move on. 

Life is too short for any more wasted time. I would like to include a website I personally found helpful for myself. A lot of it is sad, its families dealing with depression. But if you are dealing with this, I recommend taking off the rose coloured glasses and address the situation. http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Article.aspx?a=153

I'm aware I'm cheesy, corny, and a little unbalanced. What is the alternative? I chose to see the amusing and weird side of life, just a little bit of spice. The alternative is too sad. Depressing. Pathetic. I'm not going to allow the crappy parts of my life to dictate where my future lies. Sure it's crappy. 

But sometimes it takes the crap to see how good the best is. 

My best is damn good, baby.

My name is...

My  middle name is Joy.
Drove me nuts.  I was not always a joyful person. I hated being reminded that Joy was my name and I needed to start acting like that.
I hated Joy.
I had no idea what Joy was. Joy was unattainable. Joy was irritating.  and Joy had to go.

I tried changing my name.   Did not go over well.  Clearly.

It was suggested that maybe I should figure out what true Joy was.  So I did some studying.
Joy did not mean that I was happy all the time.
Joy did not mean that I was ok with things happening in my day.
Joy did not mean that there was something wrong with me if I was not happy all day every day.

To me, Joy is the underlying factor.  Like that crazy strong carpenters glue.   It holds it all together.

I used to have a lot of very dark days.  I still have the occasional one.  But when I feel them start I have a choice.

1. Have a very bad day.
2. Address what is causing the "dark" day.  Why are you depressed?
3. What can you do to change this?  Have I been eating right? Drinking liquids other than coffee? Exercising?
4. Am I going to let this ruin the rest of my day.

You gotta pick one and commit to it. The day will end and you will not get it back. So how are you going to handle it?

Do you know that eventually the situation will work out? Yes
Do you know that Jesus still loves you?  Yes
Can you do anything to fix this now? Yes or No  If so, do it.  If not, move on.

Look for the positive and the humorous.  There is something funny in every situation.  You have to look for it. Sometimes for a long time.  Sometimes its a sarcastic humor.

But Joy is a choice.  and a trusting and relying and knowing that God's got your back.
And tomorrow will be another day.

And hey, in a couple years this will be a really great story.

Hello, Please to meet you.  My name is Rebecca Joy.

fighting like hell

Seeing as we are surrounded by so high a witness let us set aside every weight and every sin and run with patience the race that is set before us.

Every notice when someone runs a race they train for it, get ready, psych up, get pumped, go through all these motions to train for....the race.

Life is like a race.
 We are surrounded by our cheerleaders, heavenly, spiritual, and physical.
We face hurdles. We face challenges .
Sometimes the training session does not go well.  We don't get the right frame of mind for the race.  
The shoes don't fit right.  We ate a bad sandwich and its totally affecting the metabolic process.
But does the race stop?
Or do you keep going.

And fight like hell to stay in the race?

I'm in the fighting like hell stage.  I've rounded that bend,you know the bad one where you get a cramp and you just can't go on.  You see all your cheerleaders on the side cheering and yelling you on, and you pull on every ounce of your being to pick up your feet and keep going.


Fight Becky Fight.

Your worth it.

you deserve to win

you deserve the best

FIGHT!!!!

now what

So some thoughts from today.

Boys are crazy!  Ever sat and watched a group of boys? It's like watching a bunch of wiggling worms. Or newborn puppies.  They never stop moving.

So.
 In my quest for divaness I think I need to set ground rules.
 How far is too far?
What should I demand respect on?
What are my limits?

My Inner Diva

So recently I've been doing a lot of thinking. 

Lots of changes in my crazy life and I've been evaluating what makes me make the decisions I've made. 

I don't regret a lot in my life. Some decisions were good some bad but all led me to learn things and meet some amazing people along the way. 

And learn a lot about myself. 

And some things I could have handled differently. 

I've ranted a few times about my difficulty with being a "woman". And I've come to some conclusions. About being a woman. 

Its unavoidable. So I may as well deal with it. 
Here's my story. 

I like the background. Its safe, no one notices you there. 

You can work quietly and no one bothers you. See that's also the problem. Its lonely. And well....sigh....I'm a closet diva. Through my own actions of hiding and putting myself in a box I've given people permission to pass me over, look down on me, take me for granted and take advantage of me. I used to think any attention was positive attention. At least someone noticed me. 

Well. 

Not any more. 

I'm worth so much more. 

I'm not saying I'm going to start marching around demanding attention, but I think I'm getting this whole woman thing figured out. And I may be a bit of a girly girl drama queen. I'm still figuring it out. But I won't take crap. I will be treated with respect. I'm not a maid. I'm not a pushover. I'm valuable. And I'm not taking the garbage out anymore. It wrecks my nails.

Jello Wars

So this is the best summer ever.
Even the tantrums are fun.  and make me laugh........ after. Mostly because the reasons for the tantrums are too funny and just awesome.

So I am currently blogging about Jello wars, because we had one.  And for a very good reason.
Yes, there are reasons for Jello to be flung through the air.

Some kids just grow up too fast.  People always say that, but I think for a lot of parents, especially in this economy, they have to work.  Working a full time or even part time job and then coming home to being supermom is exhausting.  And after years of not sleeping followed by years of guilt for going back to work and dad just being worn down by mom being unhappy.....well its a lot of stuff for a kid to process.  Not anyone's fault.  But sometimes kids just need a break and run and scream a little and well....be a kid.
And mom and dad need a break too.
So with my awesome other job, I get to create a world of fun for kids.
I miss my other job that I love, but its patiently waiting for me under my inbox.

So why Jello wars?
Well, Jello washes away in the rain. Less clean up.
I am all for food fights, just not messy ones.

Popcorn was another good thing.  Took the kids a while to understand it was ok.   And I get that. And I also want the kids to just have FUN and be kids.....cause it ends too soon.  Life throws a lot of things at you. But I think you are better equipped to face things if you have an understanding of rolling with crazy things in life, and looking for the fun in situations and looking at an impossible task and diving in.

Believe it or not, building forts and trying new things and looking for adventure in the normal everyday things of life teaches those skills. Even food fights.   Possibly even intentionally muddy days.  Why? Because its ok to get dirty and dive into things and take a leap.  Mud washes off.

I have always said, if I am involved, then anything I do will be awesome and no child will walk away not knowing they are loved and that someone cared.

Mirror Mirror

So today ran into an old friend.
Still just processing this.
So a mom was dropping off her kids, said I looked familiar.
Did she know me from Leader?  Did we used to play together?

So
1. this NEVER happens
 2. I had 3 girl friends growing up there are three choices, the rest were guys.
3. She is clearly not one of my guy friends

I know one childhood friend just got married and does not have kids
I have already spent some with other female friend that I stayed in touch with, so its clearly not her.
That leaves one option.

I say her name in shock.  and I am blown away that I remembered and that it is actually her.

Its you! You have kids!  Your old, (wait we are the same age....what is going on here)
Clearly this has thrown me for something.

I always assume mom's are old.  or older.  My brain has clearly not registered that I could have a ten year old now if I had made different life choices.  And settled for Moron number #1 or semi Moron #2 or i think this is a good idea so you should too #3 or even not quite sure what we are #4.  I'm sure either of them would have been fine donors.

I don't even know how to verbalize this. Like we used to play dolls together.

She looks like an adult.

I don't think I do. I still feel like I am 20.  could be the lack of having to wear suits and heals to work anymore but man.....

What do I look like to people?  How do I come off? Do I look like a walking disaster?
Do I look fun? Do I look worn out? Tired? Young? Clearly having identity issues? Do I give off don't ever let the crazy lady have kids she lets them throw jello you weirdo vibes?

In the mean time....ill settle for miss lady....cause the kids can't seem to recall who the scratch I am....and miss lady is in fact better than hey you person.....which I was called last week....