My Inner Diva

So recently I've been doing a lot of thinking. 

Lots of changes in my crazy life and I've been evaluating what makes me make the decisions I've made. 

I don't regret a lot in my life. Some decisions were good some bad but all led me to learn things and meet some amazing people along the way. 

And learn a lot about myself. 

And some things I could have handled differently. 

I've ranted a few times about my difficulty with being a "woman". And I've come to some conclusions. About being a woman. 

Its unavoidable. So I may as well deal with it. 
Here's my story. 

I like the background. Its safe, no one notices you there. 

You can work quietly and no one bothers you. See that's also the problem. Its lonely. And well....sigh....I'm a closet diva. Through my own actions of hiding and putting myself in a box I've given people permission to pass me over, look down on me, take me for granted and take advantage of me. I used to think any attention was positive attention. At least someone noticed me. 

Well. 

Not any more. 

I'm worth so much more. 

I'm not saying I'm going to start marching around demanding attention, but I think I'm getting this whole woman thing figured out. And I may be a bit of a girly girl drama queen. I'm still figuring it out. But I won't take crap. I will be treated with respect. I'm not a maid. I'm not a pushover. I'm valuable. And I'm not taking the garbage out anymore. It wrecks my nails.

Jello Wars

So this is the best summer ever.
Even the tantrums are fun.  and make me laugh........ after. Mostly because the reasons for the tantrums are too funny and just awesome.

So I am currently blogging about Jello wars, because we had one.  And for a very good reason.
Yes, there are reasons for Jello to be flung through the air.

Some kids just grow up too fast.  People always say that, but I think for a lot of parents, especially in this economy, they have to work.  Working a full time or even part time job and then coming home to being supermom is exhausting.  And after years of not sleeping followed by years of guilt for going back to work and dad just being worn down by mom being unhappy.....well its a lot of stuff for a kid to process.  Not anyone's fault.  But sometimes kids just need a break and run and scream a little and well....be a kid.
And mom and dad need a break too.
So with my awesome other job, I get to create a world of fun for kids.
I miss my other job that I love, but its patiently waiting for me under my inbox.

So why Jello wars?
Well, Jello washes away in the rain. Less clean up.
I am all for food fights, just not messy ones.

Popcorn was another good thing.  Took the kids a while to understand it was ok.   And I get that. And I also want the kids to just have FUN and be kids.....cause it ends too soon.  Life throws a lot of things at you. But I think you are better equipped to face things if you have an understanding of rolling with crazy things in life, and looking for the fun in situations and looking at an impossible task and diving in.

Believe it or not, building forts and trying new things and looking for adventure in the normal everyday things of life teaches those skills. Even food fights.   Possibly even intentionally muddy days.  Why? Because its ok to get dirty and dive into things and take a leap.  Mud washes off.

I have always said, if I am involved, then anything I do will be awesome and no child will walk away not knowing they are loved and that someone cared.

Mirror Mirror

So today ran into an old friend.
Still just processing this.
So a mom was dropping off her kids, said I looked familiar.
Did she know me from Leader?  Did we used to play together?

So
1. this NEVER happens
 2. I had 3 girl friends growing up there are three choices, the rest were guys.
3. She is clearly not one of my guy friends

I know one childhood friend just got married and does not have kids
I have already spent some with other female friend that I stayed in touch with, so its clearly not her.
That leaves one option.

I say her name in shock.  and I am blown away that I remembered and that it is actually her.

Its you! You have kids!  Your old, (wait we are the same age....what is going on here)
Clearly this has thrown me for something.

I always assume mom's are old.  or older.  My brain has clearly not registered that I could have a ten year old now if I had made different life choices.  And settled for Moron number #1 or semi Moron #2 or i think this is a good idea so you should too #3 or even not quite sure what we are #4.  I'm sure either of them would have been fine donors.

I don't even know how to verbalize this. Like we used to play dolls together.

She looks like an adult.

I don't think I do. I still feel like I am 20.  could be the lack of having to wear suits and heals to work anymore but man.....

What do I look like to people?  How do I come off? Do I look like a walking disaster?
Do I look fun? Do I look worn out? Tired? Young? Clearly having identity issues? Do I give off don't ever let the crazy lady have kids she lets them throw jello you weirdo vibes?

In the mean time....ill settle for miss lady....cause the kids can't seem to recall who the scratch I am....and miss lady is in fact better than hey you person.....which I was called last week....

well, its been a year....

I've been back in Sask for a year.
I did not go insane.
I still have not sold the Ontario house
I still live in a basement
I caved and we have two cats.....sigh
I have multi colored hair again...mostly because I gave up hiding the white hair.....
I still don't have a kid...don't ask me why we would like one or two
Made new friends
Still talk to the old friends
Re-connected with old old friends.....behave maturely with old old friends.....meh.....
Changed jobs again
Collected more jobs....I had 5 at once again...what can I say.....
Decided that I am done with sales....yicky
Can sing again with out crying, though that one song on my going home road trip cd still makes me cry
Accepted things I cannot change and working on things that I can
Let some things go
Held onto the dream of things that I cannot let go of
Picked up a new instrument
Crossed off another item on my bucket list
Finally found a false nail solution that works for me.....hey this is important...especially when you no longer have a dishwasher!!
Really really cannot and should not play sports....we had blue balls hanging from the powerlines for weeks around here.   What can I say.
Getting to know my family after a ten year hiatus.
Get to work with kids again.
Miss my teenagers like crazy
Wish I could work with teenagers again....and miss my "daughters"
Finding it odd that I am no longer the youngest or oldest but people are actually my age.

Here is to next year.  Wonder what you will look like

one for the laugh bag

anyone who knows me knows numbers are my biggest strength. that and remembering my phone number and address.  Overparticularily postal codes. At one address I used my license for a year or looked to whatever friend was with me to give the address as my FRIENDS knew it before I could remember.  Sad I know.
Especially since mail came TO MY HOUSE in Ontario.

Good Ol Sask has PO boxes .  Which as you can guess where this is going is numbers  oh and the street names are all numbers and you guessed it the house is numbered too.  Guess how many new numbers that is.  and new phone numbers too.  so when asked where I live...I point and describe the house...and most people get it here....cause small town

So when I go to get my mail....guess what happens.  Yeah  If someone was watching on camera they must be dying laughing.  So I know the 4 numbers or i think I do.  but I can ncver remember the order.  So...I go to the wall where I remember the box being.  and I start sticking the key in the locks.  till a box opens.  \

thas right.

earlier this week I discovered that my key opens not only my box but another persons

so if I have not sent you my address o=h dear friends....its because I have no bloody clue what my box number is and when I find the sheet with my address on it....well its a happy day and a half hour less time in getting my mail.

I have decIided that

I will never be a real woman.
Maybe I am missing motherhood.  Maybe that will fix the link in my brain.  The thing that just makes me AH not able to have words or say things that are interesting.  Like I think I fit in Sask because deep down, I'm boring.  and blah.  I'm BLAH. Maybe. Maybe I have accepted who I am and given up on improvement.  I made it this far and I'm done.  Deal with it. Maybe.
I have a friend, ok  a couple friends who blog and journal like no ones business. like boxes of journals.And I try, cause it looks cool and good for processing and ok I HAVE NO FREEEEEKIN IDEA WHY PEOPLE JOURNAL!!!!    I went trough my old diaries and shredded them, ok the one or two pages I managed to actually write down.  Shredded.  I was like WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHY ARE THEY SO RETARDED!!!! WHO wants to remember the RETARDED GOOOO that comes from a 13 year old's brain? BLEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
 And I cannot make my writing look good....
I CANNOT control my hand and my penmanship lasts for a half a page and then I get so mad at the mess I just throw it away.  I think there are just some people who are not bloggers.  And I am one of them.  I will settle to spur on bloggers.   I blog...mainly because when I am face to face with people what I actually want to say NEVER comes out right so I correct my verbal diarrhea with emails and texts. like who does that?  Um Becky we just hung out for an hour and I get home to an email explaining our conversation.  whats up with that.  and you may be reading this and think...I never got that email....thats because I realized how SILLY that was and did not send it! BUT I have scads of unsent emails floating around....sigh.....See.  I will never be a proper woman.  I am unfit for the masses.  I may be 30 but I am no woman.  I am not a girl. I am not a lady.  I have created a new gender.  Its called Becky.
 I feel I have blogged about this a few times and I need to think about this.  and I need to eat food. and not be a woman

Not finished yet

 So, recently I have been privileged with a Bible study group that is, well people in my age group, that I am not mentoring, that I am not trying to avoid, that I am not leading, that I am in no way helping with and (I love my teenagers more than they will know) but NO TEENAGERS.  Do you know how long it has been since I have had the joint concoction of all the above?  10 years!!!

 Not healthy.  May I say, if you are in leadership or are in a place of helping people, you need to find a place where your soul is ministered to, otherwise.  You become Becky.  And no one wants to be that.  Not even Becky.

So here are my thoughts recently on well me.

I'm not finished.
I have not been completed.
I thought for a while that I was done. This it.  Now I am just going to coast now, I have done it all and I am done and now I just sit around and let the dust settle. No more adventures, no more thrilling life, no more just going for it. Its done and now I just hang on the wall like a pretty landscape painting.  Not particularly eye catching, not too unpleasant. Just good enough to be called art but not enough to be hung over the fireplace.
That is where I was.
But I'm not finished.
The artist has started, the drawing is in place, the lines are laid out, the colors are coming to place, you can see the beginnings of a grand work.  The artist has laid the painting aside, collecting thoughts and working out the flow, processing the completion.  But now is ready to continue and finish this one and make it worthy of  the fireplace.

So my dear friends.  Do you feel like a paint by number landscape hiding in the closet, covered in dust and forgotten?  Don't!
Remember your master painter has a plan and don't fade away.
You are over the fireplace material.  Its just a process.  Allow it and allow yourself to be the canvas.

How's that for cheese ball?

Yeah, but (take a deep breath as I can do that now)  I like the looks of  that spot over the mantle.