Its 4 am and I am laying awake and wishing. Its the worst time to wish. Its the obsessing hour. You change things in your mind to be what you want them to be and then come up with a solution. And a way to make those solutions a reality. Sometimes there is no solution. There is only obsession.
So as I lay here obsessing, what can I do?
So I am now 30. Current child 0 current husband 1 current cat 1. Not really the way I thought things would be 10 years ago. I find it very ironic that those who want kids just can't seem to have them and those that never really planned on it get them o so easily. The when are you having kids question is getting old. I don't know. Appaerntly its a process. Its just one more thing life has thrown at me to screw with me. I mean sure I can drive stick in the city now and got married to the only man alive who gets me and I got my fireplace and dishwasher and apparently can rock any job (who are we kidding I'm just plain awesome) I even moved up to full out professional status and got a blackberry. But, its not enough. Maybe its my upbringing, maybe the daily goal setting regiment screwed me for life. I can't help it I want more. I need a change. I find myself caught in a whirlwind and I want to jump out. I feel like saying rides over. I jump off and try a new one. Is that normal? My life has been a quest for normalcy and I have hit it once or twice. But this is just not working. I'm tired of making the puzzle pieces fit. I'm lying to myself and making myself believe I belong here. So many good things are in my life. But I can't just find that I'm home feeling. It left a while ago. I don't know why. But I don't like unsettled much. So I've waited and prayed and waited and been faithful and waited. And waited. And then home. I'm going home. Its such relief and alternating terror. But its home. And I think its what I need most of all. Go home and take who I have become from 20 to 30 and let that person who I really am finally rest. And rock the next chapter of my life. So ontario its been a slice. But home is calling. And its well home. And I think I deserve the chance to truly be home. Finally.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Center Stage
As many know I have been behind, under, hidden in and above the stage in I think every one but 2 of the productions at NCC for the past 9ish years.
During that time I was a cast member once. I had one line. I could not figure out for the life of me how to not sound like moron when I said my one line. I blame the line. For that performance I played the role of the Egyptian Princess who adopted baby Moses. She may have been mentioned by name but I forget it. I rode bare back in a skirt, in the church, down the aisle in the dark, with a spot light on me and the very nervous horse that was also pregnant at the time, WHILE holding a REAL LIVE NEW BORN BABY. Somehow the fact that I sounded like a moron was the LEAST of my concerns. I stuck to the behind the scenes stuff after that. But every night I would kinda think...could I have pulled off the on stage performance as well?
The other night it dawned on me. I have been on the stage before. DUH
Heaven's Gates Hells Flames came to Kindersley and I can't remember the year. But I do remember I got to play a rebel. I used an old Barbi bracelet as a nose ring and crimped my hair and teased it to a glorious height, I used some form of coloring devise to streak it blue and green, put dark make up on and the most rebel clothing I owned. I was a party girl. It was my first stage experience I think. I mean I have forgotten completely that I had been on stage so who knows lol I may have acted before.
And then there was was Maritza Zitzen Baroness Von Blitzen in our highschool dinner theatre. The dress I wore for that performance had been around. My aunt, the one I get my funky shoes from, had this black long dress. It was dynamite. It was in our play house for years. I pulled it out for the show. And fell in love with it. I wore it as Maritza Zitzen. I wore it to WIBI. I wore it to work in my brief experience as a sales person for that print shop that went out of business one day. A good buddy of mine wore it for his performance as Celine Dione at my sisters grad. I wore it for a bridesmaid dress at Tammy's wedding. I wore it to a WIBI banquet. All in all, that dress probably got about 30 years play. Then one day. It was gone. I think I let it rest in peace. It deserved it. But some days I think about that dress....clearly remembering it more than my acting career.
During that time I was a cast member once. I had one line. I could not figure out for the life of me how to not sound like moron when I said my one line. I blame the line. For that performance I played the role of the Egyptian Princess who adopted baby Moses. She may have been mentioned by name but I forget it. I rode bare back in a skirt, in the church, down the aisle in the dark, with a spot light on me and the very nervous horse that was also pregnant at the time, WHILE holding a REAL LIVE NEW BORN BABY. Somehow the fact that I sounded like a moron was the LEAST of my concerns. I stuck to the behind the scenes stuff after that. But every night I would kinda think...could I have pulled off the on stage performance as well?
The other night it dawned on me. I have been on the stage before. DUH
Heaven's Gates Hells Flames came to Kindersley and I can't remember the year. But I do remember I got to play a rebel. I used an old Barbi bracelet as a nose ring and crimped my hair and teased it to a glorious height, I used some form of coloring devise to streak it blue and green, put dark make up on and the most rebel clothing I owned. I was a party girl. It was my first stage experience I think. I mean I have forgotten completely that I had been on stage so who knows lol I may have acted before.
And then there was was Maritza Zitzen Baroness Von Blitzen in our highschool dinner theatre. The dress I wore for that performance had been around. My aunt, the one I get my funky shoes from, had this black long dress. It was dynamite. It was in our play house for years. I pulled it out for the show. And fell in love with it. I wore it as Maritza Zitzen. I wore it to WIBI. I wore it to work in my brief experience as a sales person for that print shop that went out of business one day. A good buddy of mine wore it for his performance as Celine Dione at my sisters grad. I wore it for a bridesmaid dress at Tammy's wedding. I wore it to a WIBI banquet. All in all, that dress probably got about 30 years play. Then one day. It was gone. I think I let it rest in peace. It deserved it. But some days I think about that dress....clearly remembering it more than my acting career.
Monday, January 10, 2011
so it begins...
So on this the eve of my 30th birthday I would like to share the top 30 moments of my life
Top 30 moments of my life.....30 being best of course...and in no order of age.
1. Falling off the cliff wall at the gorge and landing in a tree. Note to self free climbing is painful.
2. My mom returning my dog to my care after 3 years of being dogless.
3. Landing a job on pure strength of character.
4. Buying my first TV.
5. My first away from Mom clothes shopping purchase, in Texas. It was a one piece short set type outfit with blue flowers...shoulda gotten the jean dress instead lol.
6. Driving from the house to the farm and not stalling the truck.
7. Watching my sister sit on the floor of the truck so no one would see her with me lol.
8. Listening to Sarah tell Paul stories she made up based on the shapes of the clouds.
9. Flying down the dirt road with no helmet on, hair flying in the wind on the dirt bike.
10. Picking dead bugs out of my hair.
11. Looking behind my tractor and seeing the perfectly plowed field behind me.
12. That year my farmers tan lasted till January.
13. The first 1,000 hours I logged on the garden tractor.
14. That wicked nasty bruise I got from my first attempt at water skiing. Also lasted till January.
15. All the crazy stuff being friends with Tammara throws your way lol.
16. Dad pulling Sarah out of the river cause she fell in walking on the edge of the sandbar.
17. Field trip days with Dad.
18. My first trip to the beach which was also my first trip on the QEW which was also done with a donut as my tire was flat, while my friends were yelling at me to drive faster. wow
19. My first trip to the falls, I may have gushed. No one ever came home dry from a trip to the falls with me and my car always smelt like the falls lol
20. My 20th surprise party and hiding in the closet with Tammy.
21. Chocolate and Milk with Tammy in numerous closets hiding from an equally numerous amounts of roommates.
22. Pizza and movies with Franziska.
23. That day when a water fight broke out while doing dishes and I slipped on the bubbles on the floor and flew across the apartment, landed on my back in the coat closet with shattered glass and bubbles all over me.
24. Attempting to pick a fight with Ben just to win, yeah he saw through that and I still lost. sigh
25. That night I had WAY too much coffee and could not get the car door open.
26.Driving El to the hospital the night Shalisha was born.
27. My kids.
28. That first time Ben and I pretended to date and I told him he better not fall for me.
29. Ben bought ice cream treats for my birthday without nuts on them so we would not make a mess of my clean living room.
30 Tomorrow and what the next 30 brings.
Top 30 moments of my life.....30 being best of course...and in no order of age.
1. Falling off the cliff wall at the gorge and landing in a tree. Note to self free climbing is painful.
2. My mom returning my dog to my care after 3 years of being dogless.
3. Landing a job on pure strength of character.
4. Buying my first TV.
5. My first away from Mom clothes shopping purchase, in Texas. It was a one piece short set type outfit with blue flowers...shoulda gotten the jean dress instead lol.
6. Driving from the house to the farm and not stalling the truck.
7. Watching my sister sit on the floor of the truck so no one would see her with me lol.
8. Listening to Sarah tell Paul stories she made up based on the shapes of the clouds.
9. Flying down the dirt road with no helmet on, hair flying in the wind on the dirt bike.
10. Picking dead bugs out of my hair.
11. Looking behind my tractor and seeing the perfectly plowed field behind me.
12. That year my farmers tan lasted till January.
13. The first 1,000 hours I logged on the garden tractor.
14. That wicked nasty bruise I got from my first attempt at water skiing. Also lasted till January.
15. All the crazy stuff being friends with Tammara throws your way lol.
16. Dad pulling Sarah out of the river cause she fell in walking on the edge of the sandbar.
17. Field trip days with Dad.
18. My first trip to the beach which was also my first trip on the QEW which was also done with a donut as my tire was flat, while my friends were yelling at me to drive faster. wow
19. My first trip to the falls, I may have gushed. No one ever came home dry from a trip to the falls with me and my car always smelt like the falls lol
20. My 20th surprise party and hiding in the closet with Tammy.
21. Chocolate and Milk with Tammy in numerous closets hiding from an equally numerous amounts of roommates.
22. Pizza and movies with Franziska.
23. That day when a water fight broke out while doing dishes and I slipped on the bubbles on the floor and flew across the apartment, landed on my back in the coat closet with shattered glass and bubbles all over me.
24. Attempting to pick a fight with Ben just to win, yeah he saw through that and I still lost. sigh
25. That night I had WAY too much coffee and could not get the car door open.
26.Driving El to the hospital the night Shalisha was born.
27. My kids.
28. That first time Ben and I pretended to date and I told him he better not fall for me.
29. Ben bought ice cream treats for my birthday without nuts on them so we would not make a mess of my clean living room.
30 Tomorrow and what the next 30 brings.
Monday, October 25, 2010
My list
Thanksgiving was a few weeks ago.
So this does not count. But here is my thankful and unthankful list if you would.
Thankful for.....
stick shift cars
method dishwasher soap, that stuff is incredible
Pumpkin spice latte and drive through attendants that get being brain dead
venting to someone who knows how you feel and can interpret what you cannot say
drive through
my bosses
my jobs
the painful, agonizing Christmas production and the friendship it produces
Campfires
my bed
that my mom taught me to bake bread
perogies
Babysitting Owen, he comes with veggie tale movies, ok he's cute too
Nursery kids, particularly the ones who have no reaction when you say hi.
my kids, young and old
sour cream
glade plug ins
electronic mouse chaser awayers
google
auto spell check
white boards
watching my kids grow up and become functioning adults
So this does not count. But here is my thankful and unthankful list if you would.
Thankful for.....
stick shift cars
method dishwasher soap, that stuff is incredible
Pumpkin spice latte and drive through attendants that get being brain dead
venting to someone who knows how you feel and can interpret what you cannot say
drive through
my bosses
my jobs
the painful, agonizing Christmas production and the friendship it produces
Campfires
my bed
that my mom taught me to bake bread
perogies
Babysitting Owen, he comes with veggie tale movies, ok he's cute too
Nursery kids, particularly the ones who have no reaction when you say hi.
my kids, young and old
sour cream
glade plug ins
electronic mouse chaser awayers
auto spell check
white boards
watching my kids grow up and become functioning adults
Monday, October 4, 2010
it all started when
There is a song I know from a clown movie....
Its stuck with me.
Goes like this.
Why do I do the things I do and who do I do them for?
I remind my self of this when I am doing things I REALLY don't like doing.
I ask myself, why am I doing this?
If I really can't find a good reason. I stop. ok in my head i stop and slowly my body is learning to stop too
If the reason for doing something and the one I am doing it for outweighs the ick of the current task at hand....well I'm all over it like oil paint on acrylic nails.
Cause at the end of the day.....unto the Lord and not to men.
Its stuck with me.
Goes like this.
Why do I do the things I do and who do I do them for?
I remind my self of this when I am doing things I REALLY don't like doing.
I ask myself, why am I doing this?
If I really can't find a good reason. I stop. ok in my head i stop and slowly my body is learning to stop too
If the reason for doing something and the one I am doing it for outweighs the ick of the current task at hand....well I'm all over it like oil paint on acrylic nails.
Cause at the end of the day.....unto the Lord and not to men.
The screamer
You know when you have dreams where you become superwoman and totally fix a situation or save the world or are totally confrontational and tell someone who really ticked you off what you really think?
My dreams just become me shaking from the built up furry.
But lately, in real life, the shaking is slowing and the words are coming. Sadly in the form of "stop screaming and line up against the wall!"
For many many years I was know as the yeller...the screamer..the one who shouts loudly
I was always around loud teenagers and had to yell to be heard.
I really disliked this part of what was becoming a part of me.
I think the coffee may have been to partly blame
But this weekend my yell was heard.
Apparently for the first time.
My friend was impressed. (apparently she thought I did not raise my voice)
so was I.
Yes Tammara....I can yell :) oh boy can I yell.........
Why do I do it?
I was thinking about my youth this week....
It made me very angry.
Why?
Let's start at the beginning.
I forget that these kids are a new crop and have not heard me rant and rave for 5 years.
I sound like a broken record to my self. But the new kids have not heard it.
So I am going to blog it. Get the frustration out.
Not that my kids read my stuff. Nor listen to me.
Nor do I think they really care what I have to say at this point in their lives.
Yes....I am well aware you would rather tune me out, and do.
But one day you will care.
And this is why I bother.
I know I am annoying to you.
But I care about you.
Ever wonder why I spend Friday or Wed evenings with you?
Ever sat to think about WHY an adult would hang out with teenagers rather than do something...adultish?
I care. About you. Where your life is going. And how can I help you get there. and there would be a good place, like not jail for drug possession...
I spent many years of my early life feeling that no one cared if I existed and its on my heart to be there for kids. So you know that you matter.
Now I get partying, I get drinking. I GET that you think its fun to get totally wasted, high and plaster drunk pictures and comments all over facebook and so on and so on....
But MORON and I mean moron....what are you doing?
Do you think about how your actions are going to affect your life later?
Are you thinking in general or are you just going with what you THINK is the flow?
Are you too uncool to be different?
As someone who says they love God and want to go to youth to learn more about God and develop a better relationship and get more kids out to learn about God, DO YOU THINK in ANY way that what you are doing is helping that be achieved?
Does what you are doing help you or anyone else for that matter?
Why are you doing that?
I mean really, think about that. Why are you doing that?
Now, its insulting to me really to have someone say one thing to my face and then do the total opposite. It's a slap in the face really. I feel like you are saying to me. Thanks for showin up and wasting your Friday night., cause I don't care and am going to give you lip service, say what I think you want to hear and then go and live my life my way. Imagine for a second how much of a slap in the face that is to God. I mean He gave up more than His Friday nights for you.
And you appear to be throwing it all away.
Now here's the thing, you may be in your heart totally sincere and care about people and have a totally awesome relationship with God. That's between you and Him.
But what I see is that you say one thing and do anther and let NOTHING of what you have been taught your whole life affect you in any way.
Actions speak louder than words. What are your actions saying?
Lets be real.
It made me very angry.
Why?
Let's start at the beginning.
I forget that these kids are a new crop and have not heard me rant and rave for 5 years.
I sound like a broken record to my self. But the new kids have not heard it.
So I am going to blog it. Get the frustration out.
Not that my kids read my stuff. Nor listen to me.
Nor do I think they really care what I have to say at this point in their lives.
Yes....I am well aware you would rather tune me out, and do.
But one day you will care.
And this is why I bother.
I know I am annoying to you.
But I care about you.
Ever wonder why I spend Friday or Wed evenings with you?
Ever sat to think about WHY an adult would hang out with teenagers rather than do something...adultish?
I care. About you. Where your life is going. And how can I help you get there. and there would be a good place, like not jail for drug possession...
I spent many years of my early life feeling that no one cared if I existed and its on my heart to be there for kids. So you know that you matter.
Now I get partying, I get drinking. I GET that you think its fun to get totally wasted, high and plaster drunk pictures and comments all over facebook and so on and so on....
But MORON and I mean moron....what are you doing?
Do you think about how your actions are going to affect your life later?
Are you thinking in general or are you just going with what you THINK is the flow?
Are you too uncool to be different?
As someone who says they love God and want to go to youth to learn more about God and develop a better relationship and get more kids out to learn about God, DO YOU THINK in ANY way that what you are doing is helping that be achieved?
Does what you are doing help you or anyone else for that matter?
Why are you doing that?
I mean really, think about that. Why are you doing that?
Now, its insulting to me really to have someone say one thing to my face and then do the total opposite. It's a slap in the face really. I feel like you are saying to me. Thanks for showin up and wasting your Friday night., cause I don't care and am going to give you lip service, say what I think you want to hear and then go and live my life my way. Imagine for a second how much of a slap in the face that is to God. I mean He gave up more than His Friday nights for you.
And you appear to be throwing it all away.
Now here's the thing, you may be in your heart totally sincere and care about people and have a totally awesome relationship with God. That's between you and Him.
But what I see is that you say one thing and do anther and let NOTHING of what you have been taught your whole life affect you in any way.
Actions speak louder than words. What are your actions saying?
Lets be real.
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