Changing your perspective
Terrifying.
I've discovered I'm more stubborn that I thought. I find I'm angry that I'm back here. On the outside looking in.
I keep thinking that some part of life should just finally be easy.
I find I always struggle. Fight. Push
Mostly, because I am impatient.
I am in control
And it happens my way.
I think that certain issues should take this long to resolve. And when that time period is up, problem should be solved.
Apparently I cannot control time
Apparently I cannot tell God when it is time for the next phase.
Apparently I have to be human and deal with things at a human speed. I find I forget to slow down and remember,
I don't get why I cannot apply fact and reason to a situation, glean the results, and then move on. That should be a reasonable outcome. Apparently it is not.
This is my current struggle.
I feel it's time to move on. I feel I have endured enough. I have waited long enough. I have done all I can. Therefore, I should be allowed to move on. Apparently, it's not how it works.
Sometimes, I feel if I could just get a glimpse of what is on the other side of all this crap I would be ok with it. I could keep going. And I keep seeing nothing. But then I remembered, 3.5 years ago I had a day, where I was at total peace. I was not dragging my life behind me kicking and screaming. It was perfect. Everything finally made sense. It was a glimpse. And it lasted a day. I had another one of those days a few months ago. And another a few weeks ago. It's a picture. Life could be so, worth living. Enjoyable.
I want that life so much.
I don't get why I cannot just wake up and it just be there.
Apparently I need to trust and let go control.
This needs more study.
